Kyle Atop Mount Silverheels

The Journey Begins

Author's note: Hey, it's imakelosingbets; can you tell? I decided to reupload my work to Wattpad for some extra clout because similarly to Cartman I would die and then die again without attention. Besides, it fuels my motivation. My unspecified sibling said it was a good idea because Wattpad is full of crack appreciators. Let's just hope that's true.

P.S. I update every Monday at 9:00 am

"You guys wanna know where I think Kyle is right now?"

"Shut up, dude, he'll be here any minute."

"Hehehe well...I think that this morning he—"

He woke up extra early without the aid of an alarm clock—only out of dread and the abrasion of his hidden wound he awoke.
He stared up at his ceiling, the only light in his room coming from the ever so bright garage light outside.
His room shrouded in darkness, the cold morning was still black as night.
Dressing only by putting his padded orange coat over his fuzzy indigo Terrance & Phillip pajamas, he made his way down the corridor and laid against the wall to fit himself into his especially heavy industrial winter boots, and then picked up the shovel by his front door before bracing before its entrance.
A gust of cold, biting morning mist only matched by that of the frozen room in Costco permeated his front door sending a shiver down his spine, numbing his body. He zipped up his coat.
Quivering, he looked down at his door step to see it was covered in a smooth sheet of ice, perhaps from the night before of frozen rain and frozen...

Frozen shit.

Cartman shat on his door step again.

He configured the shovel in his hand above the mound of shit and picked away at it hesitantly like he was poking a dead body with a stick.

The ice that covered it was transparent but opaque enough that it resembled a chocolate mochi ice cream when bits of the shit finally came spilling out of its icy case.
He stared blankly, probably contemplating whether or not he should eat it—"no", he thought (Yes, in lowercase) as he delicately, and lovingly shoveled Cartman's stupendous amount of fecal matter into a rusty metal pail conveniently placed next to his doorstep.

"Cartman, this story is weird!" Stan complained. Kenny muffled in agreement.

"Hold on you guys it's getting good!"

He picked up the pail and with great vigor and determination; started his journey towards the looming mountain above South Park.
Though the ice was still frozen sticky and solid without a trace of liquid water, he tread carefully as not to slip on the freshly laid sheet.
Soon he stood in the middle of the soon to be salted road through his neighborhood, peering toward the bus stop with the glint of yellow from the crossing sign making him squint his eyes.
Shuttering at the eerie sight of the mountain that was so tall that the top could not be seen—only the dark sky.
The dark sky was devoid of any stars from where he stood as the street lights were polluting the area, but he would soon see them once he made it atop the mountain or so he told himself.
He could only take solace in the stars when it spake to him.
He continued, noticing the ice cracking beneath him looked pretty cool, so hopped around looking down at it.
Realizing he was distracted, he thought to himself:
"Enough fooling around," "I must give the mountain what it wants."

He started to trudge up the mountain, covering his heavy boots in mounds of snow. The snow found its way into his boots and melted upon contact with ankles.
He's got some pretty hot ankles.
Now he had to walk with soggy socks.
Nevertheless he continued on with fear as his motivator.
Fear of the mountain—fear of what it would do to him and his beloved friends.

He eventually happened upon an icy path that he could use to get to the top, but before he could breathe a sigh of relief there was a huge, handsome, big-boned troll who inquired him about three whole riddles!
"KAHL!!" The troll billowed.
Kyle flinched but then turned a fiery shade of red, positively piping hot with anger.
The troll enjoys pissing off Kyle, it's his favorite activity.
He continues: "How would you like to suck my balls."

"That's not even a riddle, am I... am I supposed to answer that?"

"Yes, you are."

"Okay then, no."

"Wrong answer."

"That wasn't even a riddle, fat ass, there is no wrong answer."

"Meeh meeh meeh, that's not a riddle..." the troll mumbled in mockery of Kyle's annoying girly voice.
"Ok fine, a cowboy rode into town on Friday—"

"The horse's name was Friday."

The troll briefly made a face at Kyle before whispering "Wow... he's good.." struggling to come up with more riddles because riddles are lame and Kyle's a stupid nerd who probably does the morning papers' sudoku on the toilet.
"I need to come up with a riddle of my own," the troll thought to himself.
"Ok, ok, a cowboy rode into town on Tuesday—"

"The horse's name was Tuesday."

"Actually, I'll have you know that the horse's name was Gargamel, so you're wrong."

"You just made that shit up, be honest," Kyle snarled, a slightly amused snarl but an angry one nonetheless.
"Listen, if you're just going to keep making up 'riddles' that aren't even riddles then I'm going to need you to get the fuck out of my way." Kyle continued:
"And besides, I'm not even obligated to answer because you pose zero threat to me and—"

The troll pointed a large stake at Kyle, likely knowing that he was secretly half vampire like Edward Cullen except way less hot and a ginger.

"...Oh" Kyle breathily muttered puffing a warm cloud into the freezing morning air like Towelie puffing on a fat cigar.

"A cowboy rode into town on Tuesday, stayed for three days, and returned on Friday. How did he do that?"

Kyle sighed.
"That's just a statement of fact...ok,"

"The horse's name was Gargamel," Kyle deadpanned, you could practically hear the eye roll he did because he's more dramatic than the voice actors for the 1994 Spider-Man cartoon.

The super awesome troll was super awesomely disappointed at Kyle's reaction to his most genius riddle so he inquired him about one more.
"I turn polar bears white and I will make you cry. I make guys have to pee and girls comb their hair. I make celebrities look stupid and normal people look like celebrities. I turn your pancakes brown, and I make your champagne bubble. If you squeeze me, I'll pop. If you look at me, you'll pop. Can you guess this one, KAHL?"
Kyle stood seemingly frozen in his tracks—literally and figuratively.
"I ummm.... Uhhhhh," he groaned.
"Did you google that shit?" He asked.
The troll slid his phone back in his back pocket, he really couldn't be bothered to come up with something himself just to get a rise out of Kyle.
He liked pissing off Kyle but he wasn't that committed to it at the moment because he was pretty cold too.

"You know what? I'm pretty confident that there is no answer. You're just making shit up!" Kyle puffed.
The troll pulled his phone back out to look at the answer to the riddle as he hadn't seen it himself. He was shocked to see that Kyle was right, but wasn't willing to let him have it because it could be dangerous.
Y'see, Kyle has a pretty big ego that grows larger in size each time that he's right about something (which to be fair is a lot, hence why he pisses me off so much), but if that ego reaches a certain level his head will get too big and well, he just might die...