Stoupající

13

I do not sleep well.

First, it takes me ages to fall asleep. My brain keeps replaying everything that has transpired between me and Eric the last couple of days. I have not wanted to admit it but now it is obvious even to me that I have fallen hard for him. And due to the way he protected me when factionless held us captive and the way he kissed me, I am pretty sure he feels something for me as well.

Then why is he pushing me away now?

When I do finally fall asleep the nightmares come. Different scenarios keep playing in my mind, varying from Sean raping me to Eric being shot in the head right in front of me, his lifeless body dropping to the floor, those gray eyes blank and empty.

When I wake up in the middle of the night I am drenched in sweat. Breathing heavily, I get out of bed and head toward the bathroom, putting my hair up in a bun along the way, and take a quick, cold shower.

Afterward, I get back to my bedroom and search my closet for something new to sleep in. I come across the shirt Eric lent me after my accident in the shower. Grabbing it, I hold it up to my nose and breathe in his scent. Warmth washes through me as well as the feeling of familiarity and security.

I put the shirt on and get back into bed.

The next dream I have is definitely not a nightmare.

It's a sex dream. About Eric. About Eric and I having sex in different positions, positions I actually have not even known existed.

This time, I wake up without the sweat but feeling all hot and wet and throbbing.

I close my eyes again and take a deep breath, trying to focus on the rain drops falling against the window but it is no use. I am aching.

Slowly, I move my hand beneath the blanket and then downward and underneath my underwear.

I let a finger slide along my slit and feel myself blush at how wet I am. It is not the first time I have touched myself but I still get the feeling of doing something forbidden, something selfish.

I insert my finger, moving it in and out a couple of times, my breathing accelerating, before spreading the wetness toward my clit.

Thinking about the feeling of Eric kissing me, touching me, I start rubbing. I imagine his hands wandering beneath my underwear, replacing my hand, maybe adding a second finger while he smirks at me, and I let out a low moan.

Barely three seconds later there is a knock on my bedroom door.

"Stiff? You okay?"

I swear my heart stops for several moments.

"Yes!" I yell, my voice breaking, heart now beginning to pound wildly against my ribcage. Did Eric hear me? What the hell is he doing in my apartment this early anyway?

I decide to ignore the fact that I do not think it abnormal that he is here at all.

"You sure?"

"Yes! Just – just leave me alone!"

"Jesus, sorry for making sure you're alright," he barks through the door before I can hear him stomping back to the living room, mumbling angrily to himself.

I let out a breath I haven't realized I was holding in. I do so not want to face him right now. Maybe I could lie, tell him that I was in pain after all.

How very un-Dauntless.

I sigh and get out of bed. Realizing I am still wearing his shirt I quickly get dressed before heading toward the bathroom for a shower.