Stoupající

16

Lynn's funeral is the worst funeral I have ever had to attend. She was so young; too young. Sure, Al had been about the same age but I did not have the kind of relationship, the kind of friendship with him that I had with her. Back then, we were still Initiates, still opponents fighting for our place in this world and we had not known each other for very long. With Lynn, it was completely different.

Where her family has broken down when they had gotten the news about her death, at the funeral they all wear stony faces and move like robots, like what is happening could not possibly be real.

The moment it is over I flee. I run back to my apartment and lock myself in the shower and scream and cry for what feels like hours.

I distinctly hear Eric pounding on my front door but I ignore him and for once, he has the sense to not just use his key but leaves me to my grief.

I begin to wonder what would have happened had I not chosen Lynn to come with us. Would someone else have died then? Would everyone still be alive? Lynn for sure would be. Lynn would still be here if it weren't for me.

It feels like an eternity has passed when I finally turn off the shower and make my way into my bedroom, changing into Eric's shirt before falling into bed.

I am so exhausted from all the crying that I fall asleep immediately – for the first time in however many days it has been since Lynn has died and they have brought her cold, frozen body back to the compound.

But the nightmares come.

I dream about Lynn, her blue-ish corpse haunting me through all of Dauntless, blaming me for her death, for taking away her chance of love, of life, of family.

I weak up with a scream and then burst into hysteric tears.

Barely ten seconds later my bedroom door is literally kicked open, the lights are turned on, and I almost fall off the bed in shock.

Eric is standing in my bedroom, wearing nothing but his boxer briefs, his eyes wide and his gun raised in front of him.

I stare at him in absolute disbelief.

„Shit, you're alright?" He sighs, lowering the gun and putting the safety back on.

„No," I answer. „But I'm not under attack or anything. What the hell, Eric?"

„I've told you, we have a mole," he says while putting down the gun on top of my dresser. „I heard you scream and thought someone's broken into your apartment and is trying to kill you."

I nod.

„I just had a nightmare," I let him know.

„Was to be expected, now that everything is over and your brain is starting to process."

I hug my knees to me chest, not daring to look at him. „Is this my fault? You've said it yourself, all my missions end in disaster."

Eric moves in front of the bed, in front of me, so I am forced to meet his eyes.

„Listen to me, Stiff," he says slowly, his voice deep, as he crouches down at the edge of the bed. „Nothing that has happened is your fault. You've done what every great leader would do. You've assembled a team with people you knew had the skills and your back. You've done everything right and the way I taught you to. If I had been in command – from the beginning, I mean – I would've picked Lynn as well because she is – was – loyal and talented and a quick thinker. Exactly what we needed. So don't ever think this is your fault. And Stiff?"