The Color Green

Part XIX - █████

Hey █████.

I fell for you. I don't even remember when I did. I just remember holding your hand and realizing how much it was going to hurt if I had to let it go. I would've kept my hand there forever. I would've let you drag me down to hell if it meant I was still holding your hand. I think that was part of the problem. And still even after everything, I have not come to terms with what happened with us. No, that's not right.. I have not come to terms with what did not happen with us. I wanted so much to show you love. And then maybe now I can realize the biggest gesture of love I can truly show to you is letting you go. But I know when I do, that a piece of me will die that day. And I'd never tell another soul. No one would ever know how much I'll cry that night.

And I regret it ever ended. I wish we weren't impossible. Idk, there's something about you I like a lot. Something about us I know would work. I swear would work. But of course we have to be impossible and of course it would be so funny. Of course it would. I can't help playing with the idea in my head, right before bed. Little circumstances that are never real. It's a comfort, a little bit. A thought that you will never be mine. There are no consequences. Nothing's at stake if I lie. But then the memories come back. And all of a sudden, in the middle of the night, I remember things that were real. In those nights, the memories kick around in my head, slip out my eyes, and roll down my cheek. Memories of us talking and getting to know each other. I thought we liked that. I mean did we? Were you disappointed when you got to know me? I wasn't, at least. I learned from your words and your actions. Did you do the same? Someone once said, "If you want to know what people are afraid of losing, watch what they take pictures of." You never did like when I took photos. It's both the good and the bad that we must keep with us. I will always remember the time when it all started. I will always remember the place we said it. I will always remember the little world we created. And I will always remember the way we left it.

You'd think after everything that I'd do what I can from day to day not to think about you. But I've learned that being able to talk about it helps. So I do. I talk about us to other people sometimes. But when the new people I talk to ask for your name, I don't tell them. Just in case something works out. I would rather them know your name first as someone amazing. I would rather them hear your name first without something sad speaking through my eyes. It's times like these when I get done telling those stories that I want to reach out. That I want to text you, and tell you that I'm still here. It's times like these that I quickly realize that you know I'm still here. You just don't want to do anything about that. You don't want to care about it.

I don't know if it's more tragic that that I keep looking for you wherever I go, or that you're never there. I don't know if it's more telling that I often wonder if there's something I could've done differently, or that I often wonder if you often wonder too. That's another thing. I never know how often I cross your mind. I always see stuff and think, "she would like this." I hope that you see stuff and think that I would like them too. I wonder if you think anything that I do. Honestly, I wonder if it even hurt you at all. Even a little bit.

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