6 years, 4 months and forever

12. Millions

P.s you might need tissues❤️

It was cold, you felt a hand up your back as your saw the flames. Some grabbed you "miss Leclerc can you please sit down whilst we attempt to make a connection", you screamed. The car was on fire. Charles was on fire. You never walk away from fire. The cars engine exploded. "Miss Leclerc  we're trying please remain seated". You looked down and saw the bump. You were sat in Ferrari garage, heavily pregnant as the team tried to pull Charles from the burning mess.

"Mon amour I'm here come on", Charles pulled your body into his, you were crying, he stroked your head, "tell me what's your going through your pretty little head angel", you turned to face him and put your forehead against his "I don't know char, I just had this dream where your car exploded and I was pregnant and they couldn't find you", you could feel your heart rate increasing as you relived the story, "mon amour I'm here, trust me I'm okay", he kissed your head. "Tomorrow we're going to write letters to Jules and put the in balloons, we will go up on the boat and release them and midnight, it might help to let go of all the fear"- "I was scared you'd leave me alone, and with a baby Charles I couldn't do it"- "you'll never have to" he said moved your head to his neck and holding you there. He always held you like he'd never let you go, god you hoped he never let you.

You woke up and spent the morning with Charles, but when he left to do some sim work you decided to run a hot bath and start writing your letter,
Dear Jules...
How has it been nearly 8 years since the last time I heard your voice, since the last time you hugged me or made a stupid unfunny joke. They say it gets easier with time, I think that's bull shit, it never gets easier it just gets less frequent. Sometimes I can go all day without thinking of you, some days I pretend your back in France with papa on a trip, some days I'm so angry with Jules and I spend hours blaming you for getting in that car, some days I'm so sad I don't even get out of bed. You'd be so happy, I'm all recovered now, I eat 2 meals a day at least and I get out of bed nearly every day. God I remember when that seemed impossible. When you were in hospital, I used to be there everyday with Charles and we used to sing and read to you, that was the moment I knew I was hopelessly in love with Charles Leclerc. You made him promise to marry me, but you made me promise to never marry anyway until I'd become a successful artist (which you knew was impossible because I'm not a good artist). You told me a few days before your last race that all you wanted was to be loved, I've spent so long hating you for saying that because I love you Jules, I love you so much. I wish I could just call you one last time, have one last argument, or make mama by the chocolate no one else likes just so we could sit and eat it all, I wish I could tell you all the things going on in my life, I wish I could tell you about lando. You'd love lando he reminds me of you in ways Charles doesn't. On school they taught me no one would want to write on crumpled paper and no one would want to pick the scrunched up flower, and because I had an unhealthy relationship with food and I hade scars on my body I was the crumpled paper and the scrunched up flower but Jules you taught me, the crumpled up lived a life which made it the best to write on because the paper itself held experience and help story's. You taught me to look for the beauty in the scrunched up flower because every petal was different, the wrinkles could be joined to paint the best picture and make the most beautiful art. You taught me that made imperfections made me beautiful, they made the love of Charles' life, landos best friend and the title I hold the closest to my heart, they made me your baby sister. You told every one the story that when mama told you she was expecting me you laughed and pretended she was joking, but you also told everyone that when you held me for the first time and my hand wrapped around your finger you've never felt a love like that in your life. The most heartbreaking fact is you'll never experience that with your own children or my children, I will never get to hold your finger again. I know your with me wherever I go, I see you in everything I do, but I hope your proud of me, I hope when me and Charles release these letters tonight, you not only feel proud but you feel loved, so world endingly, deeply, madly loved. Everyday I selfishly wish it was someone else in that car, so my brother was still here to tuck me in at night and sneak me a cookie up to bed. I hope one day when we meet again I'll get to hold your finger and here all about your life on the other side, I want to tell you about it all. I miss you with all my heart, I miss you more than you'll ever know. I try to make you proud everyday and live my life to the fullest, I try and live the life you deserve to have. I'm going to go this year, I'm going to be brave and I'm going to place flowers on the track, I'm going to use the voice you always taught me to have and I'm going to change things so we don't lose anymore drivers. So the crumpled paper is always written on and the story gets told. So the scrunched up flower is picked and the art is made. So I'll stop binding my time and pretending it didn't happen, I'll use my anger to create the legacy you deserve to have. I love you millions my big brother. Love from the moon and back your baby sister M xx

You finished the letter sat on the top deck of the boat, you listed the seal, tied it to the end of the bed ballon and finished sailing out onto the Monaco bay, you wore a white dress, Charles wore a suit with a red tie, the perfect attire to represent you. You loved the harbour it was always empty this late at night, but the stars lit the sky up, the made pictures and paintings you could spend hours figuring out. As Charles anchored the small yacht with no one else alone the horizon but you, him and the stars in the sky. "He's there angel look at how bright he's shining for you", the tears were already streaming as Charles positioned his phone to capture the moment on video, you held your head and counted down 1,2,3. As you let the balloon go, it almost felt as if the anger and sadness lifted, you would always miss him but it was time to stop pretending, as you watched the balloons float off towards the horizon, you had even noticed Charles was down on his knee, with his grandmothers ruby ring displayed carefully in a box, "mon amour there's no one I love more in this world than you, there's no one else I want to wake up to, I knew I was in love with you when I started debating quitting formula one after the break up, I'd do any thing for you. I love you millions madelinè Amelie Maria Bianchi. Please marry me?"