I AM OKAY!
Beyond of our smile it's have a one sided that we hide. And that's will you broken in pieces. I only pretended to the other people who surrounded with me. I don't want to share with them my problem because I feel that they not interested. I'm don't want someone was worried about me because of a problem.
I can manage the pain in my heart. I don't want people surround me, that can judge me. I always pretend that I'm okay. I'm fine, it's okay, no problem, no worries, don't worry or everything word that you are fine. My life is so miserable. I hate this world, why is so unfair to me. It this is my life that full of pain. I suffer a lot and I can't take this anymore.
I have a lot of dream but it's have a barrier to achieve my dream. It's too many, struggle that want to face it. Damn this life! I hate this! I want my life to be happy, contented and complete. But in the first place I born, my self doesn't complete. I'm sick almost in 18 years. I fight my sickness through my self because my father left me when I was a child. I don't experience to have a complete family and loving of father. My mom it's a lot of sacrifice to me, to want me alive. I worried to him because she is also in pain but she hide it to me.
I crying, right now seeing my mother sleep beside me. She is tired in a lot of work. We are in the hospital almost 3 days because of my sickness again. I'm okay not broken. I want to be strong, I don't want my mother know I'm weak. I just pretend that I'm fine even I'm not deep inside...
" Mom, I love you so much. You have a lot sacrifice about me since I child. I'm sorry for being a weak child for you. I know, that you are tired in work all day. I'm sorry, if I'm a barrier for you. I'm sorry, Mom to give you a lot of pain. If dad is here, you did not do it for me. I hate Dad so much, why we left us! He is asshole. Mom, promise me one thing that take care of yourself no matter what happen. I'm here for you always to guide you and support you all the time. I'm sorry if I can't help you. If I can do it" talking to my mom while is sleeping.
I can't stop crying! The pain in my heart is there. It's not been be heal because it's too broken a lot. I need to be okay. I'm okay, no matter what. Fighting!
Days have passed but I'm here in hospital. I have an pneumonia and my body it's totally weak. They have passed my body was pale a lot does not like in other day. I can't breath sometimes but I can manage it. I will be okay. I need to be okay for Mom. But I don't know if my body can't do it.
I feeling that my body is want to give up but my mind that's need to fight. I want to live longer but it can't my body. God is have a reason why my life is like this. I understand it. In every each day of my life, I will cherish it.
I don't know, if my life will be longer. But I promise to myself in my next life. I will be good better no more pretender, no more sickness involved, no more pain.
My mother crying beside me. She just holding my hand.
" Bree, you will be okay" she is crying a lot.
I wiped my mother's tears.
" Mom, I'm okay don't worry about me! I'm strong and I can't fight this"
She hold my hand tight. I don't want to cry even I want to cry in front of my mother. I need to be okay.
" Mom, if everything was wrong happen to me. Don't forget that I love you so much! You are the best mom for me. You are my mother and father to me. You are a hero, mom. You have a lot of sacrifice to me and I keep it. Mom, stop crying. I will be okay" I hold his hand tight. I see in her eyes that she is in the pain and sad.
" Bree, don't say that. You will live longer."
" Mom, I will always here for you" I smiled at him.
" No! You are not okay! Don't leave me, Bree. I love you so much, son. I don't want lose you."
I wiped her tears again. I don't want my mother cry.
" Mom, promise me one thing that you take care of yourself. Don't mind me, Mom. I'm definitely okay!" I smiled.
" Mommy, I love you so much. I will not forget you. Please, give me rest now mom. I'm so tired and also I can't fight anymore. Mom, I love you"
She crying a lot in front of me.
" Bree, I know that you almost suffer a lot in pain. I want also you to rest. But it's hurt baby, I can't lose you. But pleasee baby, fight for it"
" Mom, I want to fight but my body it's can't. Mommy, please I'm tired. I will always by yourside"
I can't take this. My breathing is will so much harder and I can't breath. My eyes it's getting to close but I stop it.
" Shshh, baby! Mommy, will give you a rest. I know you are tired. Even, it's hurt. I don't want you suffer a lot of pain. Pleasee sleep now, baby. I love you, my son"
Before I close my eyes.
" I'M OKAY, MOMMY"
And that's all be black.
