My Dilemma

Appearance - 11

Madison Snow

Today was my second day back to school after the accident and it's safe to say I did not miss it one bit. Yesterday I had so many stares and apologies from people who heard about both my mothers and Jacob's deaths, but it was all just fake.

Nobody knew either of them the way they thought they did, and I hated it. I hated death and the grieving and all of the other emotional issues related to it. I hated feeling. It was so much easier to just pretend people move away than to admit they're moulding under earth with worms swimming in their holes.

I didn't really process death, not usually anyway, I just carried on like nothing changed. I was too afraid that processing death would change me. I still am afraid.

I came back home after talking to the police at Kamryn's house, they had a lot of questions but most of my answers were confirmed once they saw the camera footage from a phone box. I didn't even know they had those but apparently they do.

I spent the entire morning making myself look presentable, sleek and shiny, like I was brand new. I was treating myself like a barbie.

I washed my hair and gave it volume with some hair mousse and then my hairdryer. I spent ages getting it perfect, bouncy and blowy, I hadn't worn my hair like this since I got with Jake. He told me that he didn't want people trying it on with me because I belonged to him.

Belonged? Like I was an object, nothing but a possession to him.

I wore a little cropped shirt that crossed over my stomach and was tied to two golden chains that went around my neck and down my back. There was no other material at the back so my muscles were easily shown, but I had to wear my hair down to cover my tattoo. I don't think anyone knows I've got it to be honest, another one of his stupid rules.

The shirt was a dark green and I matched it with some black shorts that were ripped and slightly more revealing of my legs than what I wanted them to be but I honestly couldn't be bothered to get changed again. I wore some black and tinted green Air Jordan's on my feet and a black handbag to make sure it was all still on theme and everything looked as good as I could get it.

My makeup was a little lighter, I usually do a full face but I stuck with my eyebrows, mascara, concealer and lipgloss today. There was nothing special going on so I didn't need to dress to impress.

Which is now why I'm stood here in school staring at Jake's locker from where mine is. There are flowers everywhere, cards, letters, drawings. Memories.

I wanted to tear the entire thing down and burn it to the ground. I wanted his pictures to burn as much as he is in hell right now.

"Hey stranger,"

I looked to my left and Arielle came and hugged me, "how you holding up?"

I know she was just asking because she cares but she doesn't need to tread on eggshells around me.

"I'm good, can you stop tiptoeing around my emotions because you're afraid of saying the wrong thing that's gonna make me lash out."

I stared daggers at her as she pulled away from me and she nodded with a little giggle, "you gave me flashbacks to like 3 years ago."

I smiled when she laughed, it was her real one. Not the fake giddy one but the natural one where the thing she's laughing at is actually funny.

"I'm going back to my old ways... I think?"

She playfully grabs my hand and twirls me around, "with that outfit? I can tell. You look so good."

"Thanks Ari," I watched as Omari, Lucas and Kamryn walked over.

"Actually save me from both of these two-" Omari started to speak but Lucas cut him off.

"He thinks China is in Europe. EUROPE!"

The emphasis on the Europe made me smile while I was completely avoiding the gaze on me from the other girl. I knew she was judging, I can't be arsed for her bitchiness today.

"It's in Asia, East Asia to clarify," Kamryn said and Arielle facepalmed in-front of everyone.

I caught myself looking back towards Jake's locker and I felt anger consume me. I never thought I'd be happy for someone to die but I'm glad he's dead. He deserved it right?

Some guy came over from the football team and gave me a huge hug, it wasn't comforting but I could tell that he was trying. Thats the only thing I could ever ask for from anyone.

To try for me.

I hugged back for a split second and closed my eyes, when I opened them I saw Kamryn looking him up and down with her lips in a thin line. She looked pissed.

"I'm sorry for your loss," he said and that's when I realised he was the fit guy from the canteen a couple weeks ago. I slightly smiled and nodded, "thank you."

"He's in a better place," he gently kissed my head and walked off, fist bumping the locker as he left. Like he was saying goodbye in bro code.

I don't want Jacob in a better place. I want him to rot in hell.

I turned back to the conversation and felt fingers graze my knuckles. I looked down and saw Kamryn's hand next to mine, trying to ease my clenched knuckles apart. I hesitated for one second and by that time she had her finger in between all of mine so that I couldn't shut mine properly.

I wanted to punch her but I also wanted to thank her.

It went unnoticed, but it was an act of kindness. I'm surprised she's capable of such a thing, but after the night of the accident I know she's got a soft spot. She just hides it extremely well.

Her thumb soothingly caressed over my knuckles which were still slightly scraped red from the accident and I couldn't quite tell but it looked like she smirked when I let her have control over my actions. Even if it was small she was such a control freak.