city of stars

IX

Felix watched him curiously, as if through a smoke-screen. He could almost touch him; he was so close. Yet Hyunjin was far out of his reach.

He knew he had to do his job – to talk, and plead, and convince, and threaten, if needed – to set the rule-breaker back on the right track. To return him to the norm.

But he couldn't. He just couldn't.

There was a gentle knock on the door, and Felix sucked in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Come in." He said, voice no louder than a whisper.

The door opened with a small creak, and Felix could feel his presence before he even saw him.

"Morning Hyunjin." He said, turning to look at him.

"Morning." The other smiled back.

He watched Hyunjin cross the room in a few strides, walking over to stand by the floor-to-ceiling window. He was in his rough pants again – jeans, he called them — and that loose-fitting sweater that sometimes fell off his shoulder, exposing the milky skin underneath. Felix never understood the heat that rushed to his face whenever that happened.

It was unfamiliar – all of this was. It was strange, and new, and scary. Wrong.

But, oh, so enticing.

He wanted to be part of this world – to do his job, and be praised by his superiors. To not feel anger or pain or loss. To be blissfully neutral, in his neutral colors, with only the memories he'd need in this life. To forget the old world, forget the history, forget it all and live positively.

But... Felix remembered his brother's stern voice, his bright eyes and the way his lips quirked in a smile. He remembered Chan's disgust for the control the government had over their private lives. He remembered running from the cops, living out of cheap motel rooms, squeezing into tight corners to avoid capture. He remembered the way Chan's face turned to disgust at the sight of the pill capsules, and the way he told Felix, over and over, to never take the vile things.

He remembered the way Chan held him at night, rocking his small body to sleep while the elder kept a look out for the cops.

He remembered their capture – and very little of what followed after.

And now Chan walked around doped up. No smiles, no pokes to the ribs, no random English phrases thrown in to lighten up the conversation. His brother barely remembered him.

It was scary, the switch from one person to another. It was scary enough for Felix to swear off pills forever.

Until Hyunjin came along. Until Felix realized that even without taking the drugs, he still had been conditioned like all the rest, and that the memories he fought so hard to preserve had all vanished, until the beach was a blurry memory slipping away, and colors no longer danced at the forefront of his mind.

It scared him enough that Felix thought about giving up. Scared him enough to try the cursed pills, and feel that mellow feeling for himself.

He still remembered the look of pure horror on Hyunjin's face – fear, even – when he walked in and saw Felix sitting there, emotionless.

He scared himself, if he was being honest. Scared himself by wanting the easy way out.

Blinking the memories back, he returned to the present, finding Hyunjin already crossing the room towards him, settling in the chair opposite.

There was a light smile playing on his face, looking foreign on a man usually surrounded by so much sadness it veiled his entire being.

"What is it?" Felix asked, knowing the other was just waiting for an excuse to share something.

"I found something." There was light shining in Hyunjin's eyes – brown eyes, Felix remembered – and a small tremor of excitement shook the elder's body.

"Really."

Hyunjin rolled his eyes at the sarcasm. "Of all the things you learned from me..."

Felix shrugged, feeling that now-familiar feeling of a smile accompanied by the slow fluttering in his chest, warmth across his skin. "It's fun." He said, letting himself relax. "What did you find, Hyunjin-ah?"

At this, Hyunjin lit up again, leaning forward as if that would somehow transfer his happiness to Felix. "Colors."