He wished he could say it was easy, watching Felix leave the next morning. He wished he could say he saw him out, smiled and told him he’ll see him in the office, or to take a day off to fully recover.
He wished he could say he was normal, and charismatic and that the younger left without a suspicion in his mind.
Instead…
Well, Felix never really left, did he.
Hyunjin sighed a little, feeling the arms around his waist tighten.
“Hyung?” That raspy voice, so close to Hyunjin’s ear, breath fanning over his skin, raising goosebumps…
“Morning Lix-ah.”
“Mmm. Morning.” He could almost see the smile on the younger’s face as he buried his face in Hyunjin’s hair, trying to catch a minute or two of extra sleep. “You’re sighing already, old man?” The teasing words contrasted the gentle touch that smoothed over the bare skin of Hyunjin’s arm, leaving even more goosebumps in its wake.
“We need to talk.”
Felix froze, and his arms tightened almost subconsciously. “Last time you said that, you went missing for three months.” His voice is tight.
Hyunjin sighs again, turning around to face him, to take the younger’s face in his hands and kiss his forehead softly. “I know. I’m sorry.”
Brown eyes search Hyunjin’s for confirmation, looking deeper than the elder had ever thought possible. It was as if, in that moment, Felix wasn’t just barely awake and glancing at him to make sure he wasn’t lying, but rather looking through him, peering into his soul.
“You don’t owe me anything, much less an apology.”
That broke Hyunjin’s heart a little. “Bokk-ah…” They weren’t nothing. But yet, they weren’t anything, either.
“We should get up; we have work today.” And yet, he makes no move to throw off the covers.
Hyunjin takes that as a sign that everything had not gone completely to shit yesterday.
Yesterday…
The silence stretches for what seems like centuries. It’s just him, and Felix, and the click of their spoons against the ceramic bowls, and the setting sun’s rays finally leaving them in the grey world.
Through the semi-darkness, Hyunjin feels the distance between them as he searches for the words to strike up a conversation. His hands itch for something to hold, and without thinking, as Felix sets down his bowl, Hyunjin reaches over, taking his hands into his, playing with the smaller fingers nervously.
Felix does not say anything, he does not flinch back, or even mention it. Instead, his head falls on Hyunjin’s shoulder and he sighs quietly, content. But also sad. There’s so much sorrow weighing down his shoulders, Hyunjin feels himself shattering a little inside. To see the pain he caused. Is still causing.
“Am I making this awkward?” The words hang in the air for a moment, two, before Felix answers.
“No. It’s never awkward with you.”
Somehow, those words lick over his wounds, placating but not enough. They settle in his chest; a weak foundation for a sandcastle.
“I’m sorry, you know. For everything.”
“Don’t be.”
“I don’t what else to be.” It’s a quiet confession, but between the two of them, it feels jarring, and loud.
Felix seems to ponder something a while, because long before he answers, his thumb has gone to drawing soothing circles across Hyunjin’s knuckles, as if to tell him he’s there.
“I don’t know how much you remember, if anything,” He begins, and Hyunjin wants to cry. “but I’ll be here no matter what, hyung. You saved me, it’s my turn to save you. I’m not as good as you, but I swear I’m gonna do my best.”
He says it for the first time then, the thought that enters his mind whenever Felix is around him, and even when he isn’t. “I love you.”
Felix makes a pained noise. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that, hyung.”
“Why not? It’s real this time, is it not?”
The wounded noise is louder this time, and Felix sits up, moving back a little. His eyes are shining with bright tears. Hyunjin leans over, catching them as they fall.
“Hyung…”
“It’s alright.” His smile is bittersweet, his own tears gathering, blurring his vision. Stupid tears, blocking his view of an angel. “I understand; you’re not ready yet.”
Felix shakes his head, more tears spilling down his face, and this time Hyunjin can’t catch them all as they fall, drops merging into streams, until the younger’s face is glistening in the darkness, his eyes a little red.
He looks so pretty when he cries.
“It’s not about me, hyung.” Felix wipes his tears, but more spill, unbidden like they were waiting. “You don’t know what you’re saying.”
Hyunjin’s fists clench. He wants to bite down on something not to scream, a long and pained sound that begs to escape his throat.
“And if I do?”
Felix shook his head sadly. “Then you wouldn’t be saying it. Not to me.”
In that moment, what was left of Hyunjin’s heart was dashed against the jagged rocks of reality. He didn’t realize how hard he was crying until Felix crushes him in a hug, letting him soak his shirt and soaking his in return, murmuring something so deep and slow, reassuring even as he hurts.
“Can you stay tonight?” Hyunjin asks, hands tangled in the younger’s shirt, refusing to let go.
Felix nods, pulling him up without another word. “I’ll clean up—”
“No need!” Hyunjin is quick to stop him. “We can do that in the morning. Please.”
Felix’s hand is on his back as they walk down the hall into the small bedroom, the door swinging shut behind them with a soft click.
The covers are cold, but Felix is warm, and they wind around each other like Minho’s kittens, so entangled you can’t tell whose limb is whose. Hyunjin missed nights like these. He hadn’t realized how much, but now with Felix back, it all felt achey, like an old bruise being pressed on.
“Good night, Bokk-ah.”
“Night hyung. Sweet dreams.”
I love you, Hyunjin thinks silently.
YOU ARE READING
city of stars
Fanfiction~hyunlix~ There's something almost hypnotic about his voice - it's so deep, dark- but at the same time, there's a softness to it, almost a gentle caress to the words. There's nothing rough about the way he sings, rather, it's soft and reassuring - r...
