Damsel in Control (18+ Only) - The Rogue Pack

Chapter 10

I watch the trees blur past the train window, small droplets of water trickling across the pane as the movement forces them free from their hiding spots at the window edges. The train today is surprisingly empty, although I suppose that's because I've missed the early morning rush. In my carriage, it's just me and a couple of teenage girls who sit and giggle at each other in a corner. They're holding hands, their fingers intertwined as one of them rubs soft circles with their thumb onto the other's knuckles. They're both quite eccentrically dressed despite the set school uniform with dyed hair, thick silver rings and heavy combat boots. No matter how much I want to watch the scenery outside, I can't help my eyes from wandering back towards them, oddly entranced. Eventually, I give up on my attempts, watching them discreetly from the corner of my eye as I pretend to stare out of the window, intrigued and curious yet not wanting to seem creepy. One is wearing baggy school trousers that flare past the bottom of her leather boots, a chain dangling down the side of her right thigh. Her friend, at least I assume that's who she is, is wearing a skirt, just an average school skirt, it's black with pleats and cinched way too high at the waist. Below it she's wearing knee-length socks with a small kitten pattern on the top, her hair tied into two cute pigtails, small streaks of pink hair dye peeking out from the bottom of her cute scrunchies. I watch as they chatter away, practically sitting on top of each other, as small pangs echo through my heart for a reason I can't comprehend. When the one in the trousers releases the other's hand and starts playing with the hem of the skirt, I'm forced to look away. They make it seem as if intimacy is easy. Even though it seems inappropriate to me for two girls to be so close, it makes me sad that even friends can have an intimacy that I have never had even with lovers. I swallow down the strange ball of emotion that's lodged itself in my throat, a sort of melancholic jealousy that I don't quite understand, and force my eyes to focus on the blurring trees outside. I wonder if it's a weird deep-seated desire for intimacy rising inside me. Or maybe it's just my hormones. I mentally count through the days since my last period. Yep, probably just the hormones. And with that realisation, I squash the feeling down, and keep my head turned, ignoring the cute couple no matter how much I want to sneak another peek.

My morning had been strangely enjoyable. A lovely lie-in with the morning sun streaming through the window, in a large comfortable bed. That is until the Delta had rolled over, wrapping his arms around me as he nuzzled into the top of my hair. I managed to cope with it until I noticed his heartbeat through my cheek, heard his breaths against my hair, the embrace feeling strange, unnatural. So I had rolled away, not entirely comfortable.

Plus it had created a reminder of my strange dislike of intimacy, a reminder that despite my fun one-night stands and the excellent sex I was getting, I was missing out on the deeper elements of a relationship. Missing out on the comfort you can get from another person, the importance of feeling seen and understood, two things that I have never felt, nor found someone with whom I genuinely wanted to feel that. Not that I expected any of that with the Delta, but my morning had been a strange reminder of what I was missing out on.

But once I escaped from the hold, I had an especially nice morning. Unlike with an Alpha, I hadn't felt the need to escape as quickly as possible. I had been able to relax, safe in the knowledge that he didn't feel the pull of a mating bond, and therefore would not assume that he owned me. Unmated Alphas tend to have that sort of reaction towards me, there's an immediate attraction, a feeling like no other that we call the 'mating bond', and they assume that because they feel that, I am therefore theirs. What they don't realise, is that I don't feel the same way in return. I don't feel that mating bond, which means that contrary to what they believe, I do not belong to them. I still haven't worked out what the bond they feel is, as it can't be a true mating bond if it isn't felt by both. It's powerful though, as powerful as the pull of a true mate. Betas, Omegas and Deltas, on the other hand, don't seem to feel that pull. There's still an intensified level of attraction due to my power, position and scent, but it's nowhere near the same.