•ALEXITHYMIA• [SLOW UPDATES]

Chapter 11

I could hear my heart beating. I could feel it beating inside me.

"You still there Abella?" Ambrose's voice rang. I sniffled, clearing my nose of the boogies that had stuffed my nose. "Yea." I murmured. I was laying down on my bed, unmoving. Ambrose had managed to calm me down after a while, though I still felt a bit out of it. My phone laid on my bed in front of me. He stayed on call with me even after I had calmed down.

Neither of us spoke very much. I responded only when he asked if I was still here, and if I was ok. He spoke reassuring things and talked about stories of our adventures. By 1am I was calm again, but I didn't feel like getting up. Every time this happens the exhaustion that comes afterwards hits me like a brick. Still, I couldn't sleep. I can't. I won't.

I hugged my bear closer to me. After a while I told Ambrose I'd talk to him later and hung up. The AC was blasting and the room temperature was now at 34 degrees. 5 degrees lower and it'd be cold enough for snow.

I liked it though. The cold kept me calm. It made me feel alive, and that was the most I'd felt in years.

If I can't feel anything, nothing at all, no sadness, no anger, no happiness, no nothing, then at most I could at least feel this. It's like every time I breathe I could feel the cold in my throat and inside my body, not just on the outside. And every time I breathe out I see a reminder that I am alive. That I'm still here. I'm breathing and I'm here. I'm right here.

It comforted me.

Right now it was cold enough for me to see my own breath every time I breath out, and I bet Sebastian is gonna go ballistic when he sees the electricity bill. If anything I'll blame it on Eros, because I also know he likes to keep his room chilly.

Now that I was calm and I could breathe again, I was scrolling through my photo and video archive on my original phone.

"Привет, детка!" My mom spoke from behind the camera with a huge smile as she saw me make my way towards her. I'd just woken up, still in my pajamas. Despite that, I was energetic as ever.(Hi baby!)

"Мама!" 3 year old me ran into my mom's arms. "Мы можем сегодня пойти к дедушке?" I said as she picked me up. (Can we go to grandpa's house today?)

"Конечно, детка, мы пойдем после того, как ты примешь ванну." She hugged me and played with my hair. (Of course baby, we'll go after you take a bath.)

"Мама, я хочу молоко." I say. (Mama, I want my milk.) "Ладно, мой маленький светлячок, я возьму твое молоко, а ты сможешь понаблюдать за Машей, пока я буду принимать душ, ладно?" She tickled my sides and our laughter sounded throughout the room. (Alright my little firefly, I'll get your milk and you can watch Masha while I shower, k?)

She gave me her phone to hold and the camera showed my face up close, not knowing how to hold the phone properly. Moving the camera around, it showed my mom preparing my chocolate milk in a sippy cup.

"Я трогаю тебя, мой маленький светлячок." She said and I gave her a full toothed grin. "Я люблю твою маму." I say back. (I love you my little firefly.) (I love you mama.)

I don't remember that day. I'd just turned 3. I just like the sound of her voice.

Scrolling through the never ending pictures and videos, some I remembered, some I didn't, I was back to silently crying. At least I wasn't hyperventilating. I spent hours watching videos and looking at pictures, the sun rising and peaking through my curtains.