Mortal Mishaps | 2023 Gen 3 Contest Entry | Collaboration

Chapter 3 | Age 23

The feeling running in my veins is the same as 3 years ago when I was suspending midair for my first rodeo; I am helpless. I glance at the two hot-headed bodies of mass get at each other's throats while many wait in line to reach their daily dose of caffeine. A smirk plasters itself on my face as I prop my feet on the small round table and put my hands behind my head.

Let the fight commence. Why should someone interfere or God forbid interrupt when all that Tweedledum and Tweedledee were doing was spitting facts?

"I am warning you for the last time, take your words back. Coffee is not the worst beverage in the world, it is the best!"

"Until you say tea and not chai tea, no."

They were mere facts just like my roommates are loud, peace is temporary. So is life. And Death does not ride a pink unicorn.

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"I cannot believe you." Death stares owlishly at me. I go red from embarrassment and at the same time I think how they must have wanted to swallow their words from before.

"For the sake of my sanity, stop running your mouth about the unicorns!"

I shriek and for a moment the commotion in the cafe comes to a halt, making me apologize and deflate. I cannot think of anything pink or unicorn without them materializing in front of me.

"Death, why do you have to scare a few years off my life? Wait! Do not answer."

Death looks at me amused before turning to the heated debate which restarted somewhere between our chat. When I least expect it, they reply without moving their eyes off the crowd. "You are not going to die anytime soon. Not on my watch."

And minutes later a full-blown fight broke out inside the cafe. In the middle of it, I spotted Jacob. Serves him right, I think and angle my body towards my laptop. A switch flipped in my mind as I watched Death and then Jacob. Without thinking further, I stumbled into the fight with a war cry like my noodle arms were made of steel.

"Hello? Hell to, Leif. You managed to do that one thing I never thought any mortal could do. You died on my watch, Leif. Congratulations!" My face turns redder with each word, this time from muffling a laugh. The moment their eyes narrowed into slits, I knew they caught onto it.

"You think this is funny."

It was not a statement, I have an answer though. A safe answer.

"No?"

Or a death wish.

Death is quite a character for being...Death. Their face is expressive, at least what was visible of it. The out-of-fashion hoodie they always wear hides it, only a shadowed low light image of the features below their nose can be barely seen. It says they are exasperated right now. I open my mouth to do some damage control but close it right back upon seeing them give me a sweet smile. I fear for my soul now.

"Speaking of finding things funny, let us talk about death number 2 where you died because of your clumsiness. You slipped on-"

"SHUT UP, DEATH!"

"-a pink vibrator and fell to your demise," Death keeps on going, still maintaining the sugary sweet sinister smile on their face.

"I will kill you! Or I will dye your hair pink. Yes, I will do that."

My - maybe - friend pauses to chortle before picking up where he left the second most embarrassing story of my life. "On that note, what color was the vibrator? Yes, it was pink. And let us not forget death 3. It was in June when-"

Not my most embarrassing story, I scream internally and panic. Having enough, I tackle Death to the ground and cover their mouth. I give them my deadliest glare and speak in a low, threatening voice - "We do not talk about death 3."

Death nods once and I roll over. As soon as we are both up, they open the portal that directly leads to my kitchen. The portal was their way of seeing me off sometimes. I expect to step into the portal quietly like I always do while they watch me go but I think we are more than Leif and Death now as for the first time they speak.

"You know that I do not ride a pink unicorn, but I surely know you do ride a pink...let us call it a unicorn only." And they burst into bouts of laughter.

My fists curl and I burn with mortification. "I can bet my life on it that-"

My sentence is cut mid-air as Death yells - "DO NOT BET ON YOUR LIFE, YOU FOOL" - and smacks the back of my head, unbeknownst that I was standing with one foot hanging midair inside the portal.

The next thing I open my eyes to is a scared Death kneeling beside me and promising to cook for me one day. "Can't I live without Death looming over my head for a second? Fucking stalker." I sigh dramatically and close my eyes.