On the Borderline- poems from someone with BPD, for people with BPD

Stupid teenage party

I wish I hadn't come

the girl is sleeping on the couch

the boy is keeping her warm

but downstairs all we hear is screaming

my headphones are never enough to keep it quiet

I'm losing it, aren't I?

I wanted to be part of the group

I needed to be part of this group

so why did I stay in a corner, scared like a toddler at an adult party?

I begged to come because I wanted to be a part of them

I hate the fact that I'm their classmate and I'm about graduate from hell, and I don't have a single memory with them

I wanted to make those memories

so why do I hate it here?

this just goes to prove that a little alcohol is the trick to put all the kids into bed early

but it's also a recipe for disaster

the girl is clearly an alcoholic and so is everyone in this house

alcohol hidden in every corner

fire hazards all over

drunk teenage parties are not somewhere you want to be

it'll only make you feel like you're 5 again

I tried to sleep but I just heard so many doors slamming

so many people screaming

it sounds like memories

like nightmares

like trauma that I thought I had forgotten

but they're just stupid teenagers at a stupid graduation party,

so why am I so scared to be here?

god I want weed, maybe then I'll be able to breathe

it's insane how not even my noise cancelling headphones can keep the noise from coming in

the adults don't even care

the girl is still asleep, and the boy is fighting to be comfortable in the shittiest of positions

I tried to help them

but she's oh so drunk she can't even move

I don't want her to get hurt

I need her to be close to me so that I know he won't hurt her

or any of the other boys in this stupid party

I saw a girl have to swallow a drink she did not want to because the boy pulled her head back by the hair

I saw a girl get vodka poured down her throat as if it were the best oral she's ever gotten

I saw a guy fuck a wall

I saw 5 kids jump into the pool

I saw a guy that I wanted to fuck just to keep the loneliness away leave early, before I could even make a move

I'm not the manic pixie girl

I'm literally the freak

the one that stays behind the doors

the one that's way too quiet

I'll never fit with them

especially not at a stupid teenage party.