On the Borderline- poems from someone with BPD, for people with BPD

a ring

it's summer of 2021

I'm sitting every day on my computer waiting for your response

like a dog waiting for its owner at the door.

"wanna call?" I'd ask,

you were online just a second before

I was so obsessed

so dependent

I wanted you all to myself

I wished that I'd never love someone else

then you called

and you only played games

you only talked about your day

and what you wanted to do to me

then we would do anything you wanted to do

you'd leave to eat, and I'd leave and breathe

(for once I wasn't doing something you wanted me to do)

I would text immediately after

wishing you'd come back

we would call and we'd fuck

we'd talk and then we fought

but even though my only thought was to keep you as close as possible

the only thing I could do was do what you wanted me to do

it's the end of July

you said you were worried 

college would start soon

and we would not go through

you were worried about your video games

"it's an addiction" you'd say,

oh god if only you knew how much i'd bleed for you

you started to get sick

sick of me, I thought

but no, you are getting sick of lying to me

"I adore you"

"I'm never leaving you"

"I'd never hurt you"

July 27th, 2021

we went to a park

it was close to your house

we agreed we would bring our parents along,

"our siblings can play"

"our moms can talk"

"we can fuck"

it's 4 o'clock and I'm wondering if this is a good idea to begin with

I laugh,

I'm nervous

I'm worried

do I actually want to do this?

you hurry me up

I'm falling behind

I should've trained better

I can still say no

I can still stop this

would you still love me if I did though?

I don't have protection, which was my first mistake.

I didn't know a single thing about sex in person,