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KAMISATO AYATO
"I thought Y/N prepare us breakfast for today?"
I asked. Much to my surprise, it was a different servant serving us breakfast. I wonder where she went? The servant bowed towards me before answering.
"She was tasked to check on the flowers today, my lord." the servant replied.
Ah, the flowers. A pity I can't see her this morning. Though I have nothing to worry about, there will be no meetings today hence I will use my time to finish paperwork and maybe do some reading.
"I see. May I ask the rest of her duties for the day?"
"Um... Today she's tasked with the flowers, fetch some groceries, taking care of the main study and preparing tea time."
The main study...? I guess I'll be seeing her soon anyways. The morning went by pretty fast. The servants lined up for my sister as I lock myself up in my study. There were no distractions as of now as I completed the massive amount of work needed to be done.
It wasn't until I woke up from a nap when I saw her in the study; combing through my remaining paperwork without a hint of panic or unease. A great person for the title of the head maid.... Who will leave us in a matter of a few days. Somehow I don't quite like that statement.
Waking up from my nap made her aware of me finally being awake.
"My lord, you're awake," she noted more towards herself, before bowing at my direction. "You were passed out for quite some time."
"I'm aware," I replied curtly, feeling groggy from the nap yet somehow refreshed. "Y/N, you don't need to manage my paperworks. You know that, right?"
"Take it as an act of service from a long time servant," her responses were short and sharp. Have I picked a nerve with her once more? Oh my, but I only just woke up.
"You act more like a first timer rather than someone who worked for me for nine years."
"My lord." Her glare was adorable, but right as I raise an eyebrow at her, she immediately went quiet.
She really didn't have to manage my paperworks, though. it was a surprise that she did so at her last week of being here. The rest of the study remains untouched, I can bet on it just by a swipe of finger on the drawer.
"There are other parts of the room that needs maintenance," I piqued.
"I'm fully aware, my lord..." she trailed off on her words. I leaned on my hand which I placed on the desk. Something tells me there's more she needs to say to me.
"...My lord."
bingo.
"Yes, Y/N?"
her gaze fell to the floor, like she did yesterday. Her posture looked completely different than before, and her expression... looks confused. Same person as two days ago, yet the determination was lost somewhere in the gap. Instead, I saw a fragile woman in front of me who looked confused.
"... Are you mad at my decision to resign?" she asked me, her gaze never left the floor. I bet she's fiddling with her fingers out of sheer nervousness.
I hummed, shrugging as well in the process. "You tell me. Is that what you think I feel like?"
"I assure you, my lord, I have no hatred against you or your sister—"
"Ah, you don't have to tell me that for me to know."
The words slipped up without even realising it. A blunder on my part, but I can't show it. Not to her. I glanced at her to see her reaction; she was surprised. Her cheeks somehow blossomed into light rosy cheeks. It was painfully obvious.
Though, what's more painfully obvious is her stares towards me from time to time. I thought there was something wrong with my looks, but when I caught her staring once she immediately turned away like a shy schoolgirl. And that's when it clicked in my mind. Though, there's not enough evidence to truly confirm it. I found it slightly adorable. Of course, I would never admit it to anyone.
"You really think I didn't notice?" I asked, crossing my arms on the desk. Now's the time to confirm it.
Her lips parted, but a word was never said. Her gaze avoided me completely, despite sitting right in front of her. No words, no response. This won't do.
"You were so obvious, I think we met eyes a few times," That one was a lie, but the light buzz I'm feeling right now makes me feel joyful.
"My lord—"
"Do you perhaps have an inkling of warm feeling towards me?" I asked her, asking directly would give me the answers I needed with no time wasted.
Her silence was loud, her head hung so low that I can't see her face at all. She must still be fiddling her fingers, I'm guessing.
"My apologies, my lord. It was uncomfortable I admit but—"
"Is that the reason you wanted to quit your job, then?"
There was silence once more, this time it was nerve racking, unbearable, suffocating. The drop of a pen? No, a hitched breath could easily be heard in this atmosphere. Curious, I wanted to pry, but that's when I started to hear silent sobs from the woman across me. A realisation befell me in an instant, I went too far.
Now I have made a grave mistake on my part, and I've come to realise it too late to my liking.
Still, I shouldn't blunder. No slip ups should ever leak from the facade. I am honourable, a man with integrity. Yet somehow, the urge to ask if she was okay pulled stronger and stronger. Any second now and I may have asked.
".... How lowly do you think of me?"
Her voice fragile like ice, wavering under controlled sobs as she tried to withhold her cries. She wiped her cheeks s few times, and I could see her fingers shaking.
what have you done?
I remained silent, anything else and my honour would be in jeopardy. Despite no one else around, I am expected not to lose down my guards. Not even a second. But this in turn made me feel... guilty? Is that the word.
"Does it bring you joy...?"
Another pang of guilt, yet I remained stoic. I couldn't for the life of me break out of this facade. To worry and apologise? whatever will happen to your integrity?
... But somehow it made me feel utterly bad.
Maybe an apology wouldn't be too bad? Ah, no. What are you thinking? Just a worried question will put past all these blunders behind. Pretend to worry and they'll buy it, right? Soon they'll forget about it.
Pretend. Just ask her in a worried manner. Maybe then, she will look past all of this.
"Y/N—"
before I could say anything, she excused herself and left the room. With no one around, I heaved out a huge sigh. My fingers tapped on the desk as I took in deep breaths.
you're just in the moment, you'll forget about it soon. I will most probably forget about this, just like I'd always do with other people I hurt.
Honour and integrity remains a priority, but the guilt is eating me alive. This guilt that I've never felt before. No matter how many times I try to brush it off, it comes back in a quick second.
