Burn Into Me (Into Me Series Book Two)

Chapter Nineteen - Drown

Jet's POV

I lie awake in Jackson's arms, his familiar body wrapped around my back as he spoons me. He's awake too, based on his breathing. Neither of us talks. We just lie here and listen to the other breathe. His hand rests on my stomach, gripping it gently. The warmth of his bare skin against mine provides a small comfort, but my mind still races.

I don't think either of us will be sleeping tonight.

My heart stings when I think about Riley. Tears start forming in my eyes again that I quickly blink away. I've cried enough. You'd think I'd run out of tears by now.

The scars on my wrists and thighs itch.

Painful memories surface and sink their teeth in, attempting to drag me under. I'm fighting to keep my head above water but it feels like I'm drowning. I close my eyes and take a deep breath in an attempt to silence the voices in my head. Jackson tightens his arms around me, burying his face in my neck.

I don't know what to say to him. I don't know what to say to anyone. I don't know how to explain it. Unless you have been there before, you won't understand. To be that deep in it, to suppress your survival instincts, to want the pain to end that badly that the only thing you think will bring relief is death, to lose yourself like that... you won't understand until you've been there yourself.

My head starts to get too loud and I know that I'm headed straight for a crash landing on Depression Island. I try to push those thoughts out of my head, but they're about as stubborn and persistent as I am. The cotton is wrapping around my synapses and the static is overtaking their impulses.

Stop. Stop. Breathe. Get it together. Don't do this. You don't have time for this. You don't have the mental energy for this. Keep it together. You were doing better. You were doing so much better. I spent so much time making sure it wouldn't happen again but here I am and it's happening again.

"Hey, I'm here," Jackson murmurs to me, grabbing my shoulder and rolling me toward him. His fingers lift my chin so I'm looking into his golden eyes. "You're not doing this alone, I'm right here," he whispers as he slides the hand under my chin to cup my cheek, which I sink into. "What's going on in that beautiful brain of yours?"
"I don't know," I croak.
"Is it loud?"
I nod.
"Is it cotton and static?"
I nod again.
"Okay. Can I hold you?"
Another nod.

Jackson pulls me into his chest, his arms tight around me. I bury my face in his neck like I always do, inhaling his familiar scent and letting it wash away some of the pain. His heartbeat is strong and steady. Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub dub. I force myself to focus on that rather than the bullet that almost just ripped apart my best friend's head tonight.

Just listen to his heart, Jet. Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub dub. Okay, now his breathing... in... and out... in... and out... Now focus on how his skin feels pressed against mine. Warmth and safety. My boobs are extra sore today and I can definitely tell that my stomach is growing. Not much. Just my scrub pants fit a little tighter than they usually do. I'm sure no one else can notice, but I can and that gives me a small surge of happiness.

"I didn't know you still felt that way," Jackson says suddenly, breaking me from my thoughts.
"What way?" I ask, coming out of my hiding place in his neck to look at his face.

The moonlight through our window casts shadows across his face. I can barely make out his features, but I know exactly what he looks like, even in the pitch-black darkness. I've memorized everything about him. Every freckle. Every scar. Every discoloration. Every fleck of gold in his amber eyes. Every imperfection. Every tattoo. Everything.

I know how his chin slopes into his jaw into his ear. I know how his cheekbones sit. I can tell you exactly what expression he's giving based on his attitude or tone of voice alone. I know him better than I ever thought I would know anyone. I know him better than I know myself.