Burn Into Me (Into Me Series Book Two)

Chapter Eighteen - Enough, Enough Now

The world has paused. Jet is lunging toward Riley, whose face is one of complete shock. I can't seem to move. I can only watch.

"What the fuck?!" Jet screams, tackling Riley in the living room. Riley grunts when his body takes the impact of hers, the wind knocking out of his lungs. She smacks the gun out of his hand and slides it down the hallway away from them. "What the fuck are you doing?!" she shouts, holding his shoulders down underneath her. "What the fuck?!"

She's sobbing, Riley's sobbing, and my feet are cemented into the ground. Riley tries to get out of her grasp but she fights back, eventually just pulling him into her body. He absolutely loses it, his cries desperate.

"Just let me die! Let me die! Please!" he begs.
"No!" Jet rages, holding him closer. "No, you're staying here with me, okay? Please?! I love you!"
"I can't!" he sobs, shaking in her arms. "I'm so tired."
"I know. I know. I've been here before. It'll all feel different in the morning, okay? I love you," she stumbles as her tone softens, taking in a ragged and trembling breath.
"I can't do this anymore."
"Yes, you can. You just need a minute. That's okay. I'm here now, I got you, okay? Just breathe," she urges him in a calmer voice. She blinks the tears from her eyes aggressively, her gaze settling on me. "Grab the gun!" she mouths, pointing with her eyes to the hallway where she slid it.

I just continue to stare. I can't move. I can't breathe. He just tried to... he just... oh my god. Riley. My vision becomes blurry, making me blink a few times to try to clear it. It doesn't help. I wipe my eyes with my hands and find my cheeks covered in tears. I look down at them in confusion, the salty drops pooling on my skin.

"I can't, I can't, I'm so tired," Riley sobs.
"I know you are, but this isn't the answer, honey." She presses a kiss to his forehead.
"My head won't shut the fuck up! It keeps telling me that I can't do this anymore, that all of this pain isn't worth it!"
"I know. Life fucking hurts and it feels like you're constantly getting punished for feeling emotions. But you have to keep going, Riley, because eventually it stops hurting like this and the tunnel vision ceases and life becomes beautiful."

Riley doesn't respond. He only cries.

"You know why I feel such an affinity to you, Riley?" Jet asks him. He shakes his head. "Because you remind me of myself before I met Jackson and you and Connor."

Silence drags between all of us. The pit in my stomach grows as I can suddenly hear my rapid pulse in my ears. I know that she's tried to... but I didn't know she was still that bad when we first met. I thought that was much further in her past.

"And I would be lying to you if I said I don't still feel this way sometimes."

What?

My mouth dries. Jet still feels like that? How could she still feel like that? I'm supposed to be making sure she doesn't feel like that. I'm failing her.

"We shouldn't be this kind of tired at our age," Riley whimpers.
"I know," Jet hums, setting her chin on the top of his head. "You shouldn't be torturing yourself like this though, Riley."
"What do you mean?"
"You collect scars and cause yourself unimaginable pain because you want proof that you are paying for whatever sins you think you've committed."

The silence that hangs between us is charged and palpable.

"I've been here before. Right where you are. Literally. In the middle of this living room, a whole bottle of Tylenol in my stomach, crying into someone who loved me enough to show me that life is more than just the pain it causes us. I know your head is telling you otherwise, but you are not your thoughts. You are just the one who listens to them."

"I can't tune them out. I can't shut them up. I can't stop."

"Some days I can't either. Some days all I can do is make coffee. I pretend I'm in love with the idea of being alive. I make a point not to stare at the knives sitting on the counter top by the stove. I have to decide that it's time to forgive my hands for being hands. I tell myself that I'm going to hate myself a little less tomorrow. I'm going to hate myself a little less tomorrow. I'm going to hate myself a little less tomorrow.