Burn Into Me (Into Me Series Book Two)

Chapter Thirty Seven - The End of All Things

The rain pours down in heavy sheets. Figures that the day of his funeral would be cold, dark, and scary like the image he portrayed to the world was.

Riley tightens the arm he has wrapped around my shoulders, rubbing my arm. I rest my head on his shoulder, thankful for the umbrella he holds above us. I rest my hand on my swollen stomach that flutters. I never got to tell him that I'm pregnant. He'll never know about his baby girl.

I think that's what gets me the most.

The fact that this baby will go her entire life without ever meeting her incredible dad. The fact that I never got to see Jackson become the amazing father I knew he could be. The fact that we promised to give our children everything we didn't have, and yet here we are. She's already lost a parent, just like him, just like me, living the life we promised they would never have to.

It seems like that night was years ago, but in reality, it's only been four months. Jackson had a long and complicated hospital course after that night. He would get better and then suddenly crash out of no where, over and over again. No warning. No signs. No symptoms. He would be fine and then... he wouldn't.

You name it, it happened.

Sepsis. Acute respiratory distress leading to prolonged vent usage and a tracheostomy being placed. Pneumothorax. Kidney failure. Pericarditis. Pericardial effusion. C diff. Pneumonia. Deep vein thromboses. Pulmonary embolism. Pressure ulcers. Pleural effusions.

Everything went wrong. But he put on a smile and tried to push through it for me. He kept telling me he didn't want to leave me, but I could tell with each readmission to the ICU, he was losing himself. After the last time he coded and developed flash pulmonary edema, I could tell he was done. He was in so much pain, constantly drowning in his secretions that the RT tried to manage with almost constant suction.

So I climbed into his bed with him. I pulled his frail and weak body into mine. He had lost so much weight. He looked like a skeleton with skin draped over him like a sheet. And I held him. I held him for hours as we both cried. We both knew that it was time. We both knew he was never going to get better. He was so fucking tired. I asked him if he wanted to keep fighting. The speaking valve on his trach allowed him to talk long enough to tell me that he wanted to still fight and be here with me, but he was absolutely miserable and in so much pain that he didn't think he could do it for much longer.

And so I lied to him and told him that I would be okay without him. I was truthful when I admitted that seeing him in such agony was slowly killing me too and that I didn't want him to suffer like he had been. He pulled me in for a long and passionate kiss as we both sobbed, pulling the other as close as we could.

He passed later that night in my arms. We spent the last few hours he was awake telling each other how much we loved them and kissing. I tried to memorize the feeling of his lips on mine while our baby kicked in my stomach. I wanted to tell him, but that would have only caused more pain and delayed the inevitable. Sometimes ignorance truly is bliss. My ear was on his chest, right over his heart, when it stopped.

Lub dub..... lub dub...... lub.... dub...... lub....

Silence.

And he was gone.

It's only been a week but life without him is unbearable. Riley and Connor have pretty much moved in with me, refusing to let me go through this alone. One of them is always there when I wake up screaming from the nightmares, telling me it isn't real. But it is. It is real. He's gone. Fuck, he's gone. And it's all my fault.

I feel completely numb as they lower his casket into the ground slowly. I close my eyes and say goodbye to him one last time. Riley pulls me closer as I let myself cry. I let the sobs that were trapped in my chest out.