Akin Ka Na Lang, Please? (boyxboy)

Chapter Twelve: Emotions

Chapter Twelve: Emotions

Kevin's Point of View

It has been two weeks since umalis si Nicole at hindi na rin kami magkanda-ugaga ni Toby sa pag-aayos ng mga CV niya. Nagpupunta siya sa maraming interviews regarding his past work as a nurse and how well he does in the field of caregiving.

Trust me high-end lahat ng hospital na nag-i-schedule ng interview niya. I can feel his eagerness but I can also feel that his heart will always belong to the United States.

Ako naman on the other hand, sinusubukan kong target-in yung vacancy ng NatGeo Wild Photographer. I began compiling my best works as well and kept on adding them to my portfolio.

I really want to land that job but that also means I have to leave Philippines for good.

I heard the doorbell ring but one of the helpers tended to it so I continued rummaging through each of my 7 external hard drives. That's roughly 14 Terabytes of photographs and I don't have all day for this. :'(

One knock on my door means it's time to eat, two means I have a visitor and three means it's urgent.

Three knocks.

I opened my office door and he came in.

"Hi Kevin. Kamusta na aking best friend?" He smiled and offered his hand.

"Lester, nice to see you. I'm good medyo busy kasi nagaapply ako sa bagong position sa isang malaking-malaking company." I blurted.

"Good to hear and good for you! Asan si Kuya?" He asked for Toby as I gestured him to take a seat on the futon.

"Nasa East Avenue MC. May interview." I continued clicking away on my PC.

"Wow. Sigurado ako limpak-limpak nanaman ang maiipon niya. Dumagdag ka pa. We'll look poverty-stricken compared to your combined wealth." He said.

"Lester, interview pa lang yun. And besides, wealth is nothing compared to the emotional stability we provide each other. Mayaman ka nga, hindi ka naman masaya. Asan ang point nun?"

He walked closer to my table and sat in front of me.

"Masaya ka nga ba talaga?" He asked. My jaw dropped while I searched his eyes for clues.

"Masaya ako Lester. Masaya ako sa anong meron ako ngayon. Masaya ako lalo na andiyan si Toby na nakaka-appreciate sa akin, nabibigyan ako ng attention at ng affection. Ikaw, no questions asked. Alam kong masaya ka. Malapit ka nang maging ama." I answered his question with all honesty.

"Sometimes I wonder how our lives would turn out if we were together instead." He asked, fidgeting on the paperweight I got from a holiday in Indonesia. He was obviously taken aback by the intensity of his sentence.

I stopped clicking and stared at my feet.

"Bakit mo naman yan naiisip Lester?!"

Silence.

"Ano Lester?! Minahal mo ba ako? Did you give me the slightest hint that you want to reciprocate my love for you?!" I stood up. "It's been 3 years since you and Nicole got married. Why the hell do you think you have the right to walk inside my house.." I sobbed. "After 7 years and ask me about things that could have happened? Ang selfish mo naman Lester!"

He remained silent but still looked at me with a worried, tear-streaked face.

Hindi na rin ako nagsalita. I slammed myself on the chair and let my hair fall to my eyes and hide my tears.

"Kevin, I.." I cut him off.

"Lester, hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisikmurain na ikinasal ka sa kapatid ko. Na bayaw kita. Na anak mo yung ipinagbubuntis ni Nicole. Pero lahat ng pride, lahat ng sakit ng loob isinantabi ko dahil alang-alang sa kaligayahan ng kapatid ko at siyempre ang kaligayahan mo na rin." I sobbed.

"Kevin. Kung alam mo lang ginawa ko ang sa tingin kong tama sa mata ng tao at ng Diyos. Ayokong magkaroon ng kasalanan. Lalaki ako. Lalaki ka rin eh. Mahal na mahal kita. Noon pa. Hanggang ngayon. Pero kinailangan kong kalimutan na mahal kita. Dahil sa tingin ko hindi yun tama per.."

I raised my finger and cut him off again.

"Sabihin mo sa Diyos mo ang unfair Niya. Yung Diyos ko tinuturuan akong magmahal ng kapwa ko kahit anong katayuan niya sa buhay, lalaki man o babae."

"That's what I'm about to say. I upheld my belief for so long until I didn't know exactly what I'm believing in. And now that I've realized things, I tell myself a thousand times a day and a million times a year since that night where you sang for my wedding while holding back your tears, that I am completely, utterly, irrevocably in love with you."

I grabbed his collar and pinned him to the wall. "Fuck you Lester. Fuck. You. Bakit ngayon pa? Masaya na ako.." I curled my hand into a knuckle to punch his face but I backed out. Instead, I sobbed. "Bakit kung kelan masaya na ako saka mo sasabihin yan?" I looked in his eyes and followed the tears that went out of them. "Mahal kita Lester. Alam kong alam mo yun. I can't have you now. But Lord knows how much I want to."

I let go of his collar as I let go of the thoughts that bugged me in my sleep every night, I let go of that tiny hope inside my chest that I held on to for years. And as I was letting go of my love for him, he pinned me to the wall and kissed me.

Maalat. I can taste my own tears.

Mainit. I can feel his heat.

Masakit. I can feel the pent-up emotions.

While he traced my lips with his tongue, I grabbed the back of his head to deepen the kiss.

Ilang taon ng pagtitimpi.

Ilang taon na punong puno ng sakit.

When the kiss finally broke, I refused to look at him. Yumuko ako.

"You should go Lester."

He pulled me in a hug. I can hear him sobbing under his breath and kissed my forehead.

It was all a blur after he closed the door behind him.

Putangina, ang sakit.