Winter Fire

Ch. 70 [Defeat and Determination]

I rolled the marble hand to hand, watching it rumble over the cold smooth countertop.

On the other side of the room, the Guardian was working on one of his experiments. I didn't know what he was up to, but he looked pretty concentrated, so I took the chance to sit down and think.

It was hard to make a plan to defeat someone when they could read your thoughts.

I sighed, placing my palm over the marble to stop it.

I didn't even want to defeat him anymore. It seemed so stupid to be in here making sure he was preoccupied so I could hash out my conflicted thoughts when I didn't even want to do this anymore.

I was exhausted from constantly fighting with myself and I was on the verge of just giving up.

I had no one left. My parents were pretty much as good as gone. My best friend was dead. Everyone else put me through hell. There was Summer, but with Summer came all the responsibilities of being an older sister.

Then there was Essie. She was the only reason I was still fighting. I didn't want to disappoint her, but I was starting to feel like what she wanted wasn't worth the cost.

I felt cared about and understood here. I didn't have to worry about saving the world or going up against my own mother or forcing a group of enemies to work together. I could just be myself. The Guardian accepted me. He took care of me. And the more time I spent here, the more I began to actually like him. He made me feel seen and it seemed ridiculous that that would mean so much to me when all this time it seemed like everyone's attention was centered on me. I didn't feel like some prize to be stolen here. I felt like a person, and I could see the Guardian as a person. He was kind and smart and a little bit witty sometimes. He could cook really well and he loved books like I did and sometimes all we did was sit and read our own books in the same room together.

Before he had just been some kind of mutant monster to me, to Essie, and to everyone else. But now, he seemed so human, and even if I knew he was far, far from human, it softened me. I was getting to know him and I liked it. I liked him.

So why did everything feel so wrong?

I started rolling the marble back and forth again.

My confliction was fading. I was wavering on the edge of letting it all go, letting Essie go, and the others, and just accepting this. I didn't have anything to go back for. I didn't have anything to fight for. I still wanted to fight. I still wanted to stop the Purifiers. But I could do that with the Guardian. He would let me out when he knew he could trust me. We could save the Shzazi together.

It left a bad taste in my mouth.

'Winter?'

I stopped the marble and peeked up at the Guardian. He was peering into a microscope, his body tense. He tapped his pen repeatedly on his notepad, making small marks every time it hit the page.

'It's safe.'

I felt a flicker of Essie's worry. It had been several hours since what happened in the kitchen. I had no doubt it was night already. Which meant it was time for them to remove Essie's promise band. To remove the last connection I had to any of them.

'Archer has a plan, but it's dangerous. I can't tell you anything but your part in it in case the Guardian hears. Once we're ready, Avery's going to break the promise bands and you'll be on your own.'

I bit my lip, head down between my arms.

How could I tell her I didn't want a plan anymore? How could I get them to stop trying to rescue me? They're going to get themselves hurt, maybe even killed, trying to save me from something I don't need to be saved from anymore.