Choosing you

Chapter 18

A long time ago I would've sworn I knew what absolute heartbreak felt like, heartbreak that crippled you; not only mentally but physically. Twelve years ago, that was watching my dad die.  Eight years ago, that was losing Eddie to Stephanie, or two years later when I left for Stanford. Or watching him almost die from his overdose. But I couldn't have been more wrong. 

There isn't a painful moment in my life that even compares to losing a baby. 

I truly feel as though a piece of myself has died along with my baby. 

I haven't had the strength to do anything. My bed has become my solace and I haven't left it in days. I haven't eaten, haven't showered. 

The day after my miscarriage I was brought home, my home in California; my mom, Ryan and Chrissy have been here taking care of me. 

And Eddie... 

I was surprised when I woke up that day, feeling my hand being held by one with fingers enveloped by cold metal. The moment I opened my eyes they met the beautiful warm chocolate eyes I had been craving to see again. 

But his presence didn't bring me peace, quite the opposite actually... 

"Maddy?" Eddie whispered, a soft smile broke out of his face. "It's okay, I'm here. I'm here now." 

In an instant tears bubbled in my eyes and started streaming down my face, I struggled as I tried to pull my hands away from his hold. "No!" 

"Maddy, baby it's okay. It's me." He attempted to keep his hold on my hand and even tried grabbing my over hand to stop me from flailing my arms. 

"Get away from me! Please get away from me." I pleaded and fought harder to free my hands, my crying must have caught Steve's attention, as he was the person that threw the door open to come to my aid. 

"Maddy! What's going on?" He rushed to my side and took hold of my hands, causing Eddie to hold his up in defence and back away with tears welling in his eyes. 

"Just get him out of here please! I don't want him here!" I sobbed as my body finally started to relax. "Just get him away from me." 

I watched Eddie back away with his hands up in defence and tears falling down his cheeks. 

 I hated that my body refused to allow him to be the comfort I so desperately craved, but having him around did nothing but bring me more pain. Hours later Steve was the one to tell me he was taking Eddie to rehab, along with Gareth, Robin and Nancy. 

When they came back Steve gave a letter to my mom that has since been sitting on my bedside table staring at me. I refuse to open it, refuse to read the false promises that he previously spouted, days before overdosing. I refuse to accept the same apology I've heard a hundred different times. 

I do love him, but after everything he's put me through. I hate him too. I hate that the one person, the person that should take my pain away, is what causes me the most pain; the worst pain. 

I heard my door softly crack open and braced myself for whoever was entering. "Mad? Are you awake?" It was Chrissy, I felt the urge to push my face deeper into the pillow to hide from her endearment. I kept my eyes clenched close to avoid her stare, I could hear her sock covered feet shuffle against the carpet as she rounded my bed. 

"Maddy?" She whispered, again I stayed silent and hoped that would be enough to push her away. 

Please go away, please. 

Eventually I heard her sigh and round my bed again to reach the door. The soft thud of the door closing filled me with relief as I released a breath I was holding. Again I opened my eyes, staring at the wall and fixating on the single blemish that has been mocking me for days.