invisible string - jaylor oneshots

christmasbound V

"So, Taylor, maybe you remember our quick fire round from last time you were here?" the man in the suit says, already a grin on his lips. Taylor just looks at him in confusion, sits upright and crosses her legs once more.
"Oh god, Dave, it's been.... like ten years?" She asks with a smirk on her face.
"Twelve, my dear. Twelve." he says. Taylor just looks at him in shock, has already forgotten the cameras next to her filming both of them for a a good while already. But she's used to these settings. She's used to being surrounded by cameras and people treating her differently. It took her a few days this year to get back into this. To get used to it again. To remember what it was like when she was not just a hermit at home secretly recording her music, but actually a celebrity. Doing celebrity things, like interviews and camera things.
"Twelve years? That's just a reminder how old we are." she murmurs, makes the interviewee in front of her laugh as well.
"Only me Taylor, you look as young as ever." He says and Taylor laughs too. He's always been a bit too flirty with her. She didn't really appreciate it back then and she doesn't today. "Oh come on." she jokes, as Dave already begins speaking again.
"Well, back then we've been playing our quick fire round of me asking you questions and you giving short, or not so short, answers. You ready for this again?"
"As ready as ever." Taylor grins, can't believe she's back to doing interview games again.
"Fearless. When was the last time you were scared?" Taylor looks at him thinking. "Mhm probably last week. I was watching this super scary movie late at night and my cats were fighting in the kitchen and there was suddenly this noise and I just got super terrified that a killer was in my house. Completely ridiculous as always." She says, already laughing at herself.
"That is scary indeed. Next question." He rushes, "Best day. What was the best day you've ever had?" Taylor sighs and lets her head rest on her hand. "Dave that's such a complex question. The best day I've ever had? I mean.. people have to say like 'the birth of my child' or something, right?"
"Well, I can tell you what your answer was last time." He laughs, takes a look at his notes. Taylors eyes suddenly get big. "Oh my god, you can? I'd love to know what my twelve year old self answered to that back then." she says and indeed loves revisiting who she was years ago. She's always loved looking at old photo albums and reading her old diaries because it shows her how much she's evolved and how much she's just always stayed the same too.
"Well, you weren't twelve. But nineteen year old Taylor Swift said 'I found out that my album had gone back onto number one for the eleventh week, and I also found out that my single love story was on the pop charts on number 1 in the US and I got to see my first rolling stone cover. That was a good day." He quotes her and makes Taylor squeak. In the corner of her eye, she can find Tree at the end of the room, smiling at this just like she did. It's wild for her to think that this used to be what made "the best day" for her. Bringing out music. Climbing the ladder of success.
"Oh my god, that was a good day indeed. I can't believe you still have my answers." Taylor laughs and Dave does too. "Of course we do. I'm well- prepared." he jokes. "But now it would be interesting to see.. what is your answer now as a grown up woman? What was your best day after the interview back then?" Taylor looks at him and sighs once more. She knows that this is a simple question for nothing more than entertainment purposes, but it does make her think long about what her answer would be. Eleanor's birth was a life changing day. Working together and creating music with musicians who influenced her during her childhood became unforgettable days. Finding out that she was pregnant was also a big one. Suddenly, there's an ache in her stomach. Not a bad one, but an intensive one. She remembers too well how she used to tell Joe that every day with him, was the best day. And the older she gets and the more honest she gets with herself, Taylor realizes that it was the truth. Every day with him, back then, was the best day. Not the big days. But the normal days. Not the big moments, but the small ones.
"I've got a love, I've got a love for you" Taylor can't help but laugh out loud already, places her half empty wine glass on the piano in front of her. The one that he's been playing since a few minutes already. It's so late. Their friends have left an hour ago and even before they did, it was already way past midnight. She remembers that because she checked her phone right before everyone made their way home. A little bit tipsy but smiling, she is slowly sitting down next to him. Her velvet dressed stained. The big living room light dimmed. The smell of his old white t- shirt filling her nose, as she leans down to press her face into his shoulder. She doesn't mind the red lipstick stain on his shirt. He doesn't either. An invincible kiss on the textile. Two eyes closing for once and breathing him in as much as she can. He loves that song. He's always loved that song."I've got a place in this old heart for you." He continues singing, now takes a cheeky look at the woman next to him. He's as drunk as she is. That is for sure. Taylor giggles quietly again, her head now resting on his shoulder. He smiles too as he steals her a look. "You're so funny." She mumbles, in fact doesn't find this funny at all. Instead, she feels herself get emotional over his choice of song. Over the fact that he's singing this, right now, for her. Even though she knows, that he'll never feel comfortable singing for her. "I want to tell you that I want you, any way I can." Taylor can't help but laugh tiredly once more. She doesn't know if it's the wine that's gone to her head or the fact that Joe sharing music with her will forever be the most fulfilling moment of all moments. Him and her in this house, in silence. Her head on his shoulder, her heart in his hands and both her eyes on his fingers, playing this instrument so beautifully. "I want to take you in my arms, I do, I'll light a flame and let it burn for you, and if I ran then I would run to you, every time." Taylor closes her eyes slowly, both arms around his torso now, right over his shirt. Joe doesn't stop playing, doesn't stop singing these words quietly, moving his fingers over the piano in the most natural way. She doesn't move, doesn't speak, doesn't overthink or judge. She just is, in this moment.
"I.. I think I've had more than just one best day." she mumbles then, a small smile appearing on her lips. She hopes no one has noticed her sudden quietness and the stillness that she felt inside. She hates being triggered like this, hates opening up in ways that she used to back then. "I've had a few." she just mumbles again. Unable to speak and unable to say anything more concrete. She looks at Dave for help and he smiles silently.
"That's the beauty of life isn't it?"
"Yeah exactly. And.. also, I think the best day might not even be the one day with the greatest thing happening. The best day can also be... a day when you were just extremely happy." She says, knows that with every word she just digs her own grave more and more. She gets a confused look from Tree, who still sits on a chair at the end of the set. She cannot wait to finally get to the next question.
March.
"I can't believe you own this." he mumbles to himself, quiet enough to make her feel his disbelief but loud enough to make sure she hears him. With a grin on his face he stands there, holding up the old and dirty little doll that he just found in one of the boxes that she's brought to their new place. Naomi just laughs out loud, takes this memorable item out of his hands and hold the doll in a protective manner. Joe, who's still wearing nothing but his boxers laughs out loud, as he continues unpacking things from her old living room.
"Says the man who's got more tights 'for work' than I ever will own." she says back at him and Joe shakes his head, still in disbelief over Naomi's childhood doll.
"And your parents let you play with this? Are you sure it's got no fleas?"
"Joe!" She says, a bit more mad than before, but laughing already. She's standing in the half empty living room with him, also still wearing her jammies from this morning. Moving in together this past week has been more exhausting than she would've imagined. Together with Joe, she's been spending every evening after work to empty boxes and make sure things are delivered correctly and on time.
"It's cute. Your little creepy doll." he says, winks  at her then before placing a stack of books on the little shelf at the end of the room.
"She's not creepy, she's... she's just in her 30s too now." Naomi jokes, making both herself and Joe laugh. He slowly makes his way towards the petite woman, places both arms around her and presses a kiss onto her head. She's exhausted from this past week. He's very well- aware. For a few minutes they both just stand there, not saying anything else but resting for a moment in silence.
"Have we put the boxes with Eleanor's bed into her room?" he asks then and Naomi nods slowly, before gently letting go of him and reaching for her cup of coffee again that she just left in the counter of the kitchen island before Joe started insulting her old doll.
"Yes, the delivery guys will come in Saturday again to set up her desk and bed." she says, taking another sip from the coffee cup in her hand.
"Great. I'll show her pictures tonight when we have dinner." Joe says mindlessly, can already imagine Eleanor's excited face when he shows her the unicorn- style bed frame that he picked out for her.
"Fantastic. We can order something since this kitchen is still a hot mess."
"Oh no no, I'll go over to Tay's. We're making pizza together with E."Naomi doesn't say anything, just looks at Joe and feels this horrible feeling kick back in. She knows that Joe and Taylor have moved on but she would be lying if she said that it doesn't bother her that he spends almost every single Friday at her house. She gets that he wants to see Eleanor. But she will never get why Taylor has to be there too, every time.
"Why don't we make pizza together?" she says then, carefully looking at Joe unpacking boxes as she leans against the counter. He doesn't say anything, just slowly stands upright and looks at her.
"Babe, we want her to feel like she can spend time with both her mum and dad without things being awkward. We want to make this a regular thing. You know that."
"Yeah I do know that since you say this every single time I offer to hang out with her." Joe sighs, can't believe Naomi is starting this again. Just two weeks ago they got into a fight because she feels like he spends more time with Taylor when he sees Eleanor than with her. But that's the furthest from the truth.
"She's going to be here with us all weekend next week. I don't.. I don't understand what your problem is?" Joe says again, but softly. And Naomi says nothing. He knows that she's intimidated by Taylor. He knows that she knows that she's the complete opposite of Taylor in every way. But she should also know that this is exactly why he wants to be with her. Why someone like Naomi is the only someone he could love again.
"It's nothing, Joe." she says then, as the tall blonde man already makes his way to her. Just when his big hand lands on her shoulder is when she looks up at him again.
"Taylor and me are friends. We have a child together. That's it. Okay?" he whispers quietly and Naomi nods, slowly places her hand on his stubble and kisses him slowly.
"I love you."
May.
"I mean I've been getting used to many Hollywood things with Joe, but these bullet- proof car windows, Taylor. Still blowing my mind." Taylor just chuckles slightly, her hair in a bun, both hands around her little Louis Vuitton purse that has her name engraved on it. It was a gift she received a few years back, and is still one of her most favorite fashion items in her closet. Wearing her favorite dark green summer dress with bare shoulders, she just turns her head to Naomi who's sitting next to her in the middle of the backseat. One hand on her left leg, the other one intertwined with Joe.
"It's not that uncommon, right?" Taylor says, feels herself flushing a little bit. It doesn't matter how old she gets, she will never be comfortable with the fact that her life is different. She can hear Joe chuckle slightly, who looks out of the window. Naomi right between them. Robert on the passenger seat.
"A few years back, Taylor used to wear wigs everywhere in London." He says and Naomi starts laughing and looks at Taylor in disbelief. "You've got to be kidding me." The brunette woman laughs and so does Taylor, but definitely a bit more shy than before.
"Joe.." she mumbles annoyed, hates it whenever he spills some embarrassing details about her old self.
"Rob, does she not wear them anymore?" he asks the man sitting in front of him, as the car seems to be close to Belgravia, less than ten minutes away from Picture House Central.
"I'm sure she does, just not with me." The forty year old man with brown stubble answers dry."Very funny." he can hear Taylor say with both anger and annoyance in her voice, notices immediately how she stares out of the window. Joe looks to the front again, can see Robert's face in the review mirror. He's never understood this. He's never understood why she's with him, from day one. Joe feels Naomi squeeze his hand a bit tighter, and they both share a quick look. She's thinking exactly the same as him right now.
"So, Joe, what's this movie about? You're our expert tonight, aren't you?" The man upfront asks, lightening the mood a bit. "Well it's Paul Thomas Anderson. A living Legend. I feel that's all that matters." he answers, as Taylor looks over to him smiling. She's always loved his passion for film and theatre. And she's always glad to find that he didn't loose it at all.
"Okay, but what's it about?" Taylor doesn't say anything, just stares out of the window. And Joe notices. He hates how quiet she gets most of the times when she's with Robert. Joe knew from day one that Taylor needed to be with him to feel in control again. To feel that she's the one setting the tone for how things will go. To have someone who adjusts to her life and her child and not the other way round. And Joe does like that about Robert. He's been nothing but understanding and patient when it comes to Taylor's life with Eleanor. He's easy. Almost simple. And Joe knows too well that Taylor craved to feel this level of dominance in a relationship. Because with Joe, it was always eye to eye. Two cowboys challenging each other intellectually, emotionally, physically. It was intense, what he shared with Taylor. Beautiful but intense. Nerve- wrecking at times. Something that she doesn't want again. And neither does he.
"I think it's about a veteran returning back to war zone and.. reliving all of the trauma again. And then there's a conflict with his wife who cheated on him when he..."
"Oh wow, okay." he interrupts him with a hint of boredom in his voice, sighing loudly. Robert couldn't signal any more that he's not really interested. Joe doesn't say anything, seems a bit surprised about his reaction and can feel Taylor, who still sits on the other side of the car and stares out of the window, boiling already. Naomi looks up to her boyfriend slowly, her eyes begging him to do something so that things get less awkward.
"It's got great reviews, I'm sure you'll all like it." he says slowly, takes a quick look at Robert and then again to Taylor, who doesn't move, just continues staring out of the window.
_________________
"That was good." Robert says, his right arm around Taylor while holding his red wine glass in his left hand. The place is buzzing. This restaurant is filled with noise. People standing at the bar, all tables filled, waiters rushing across the marble floors. Even though this is still a time of covid restrictions, it seems that London's nightlife is back to normal. And for some reason, Joe has never been more thankful about how busy and noisy this place is. It was a great idea of Naomi to spend this Friday evening with Taylor and Robert. He appreciates how much she cares about building a bridge to Taylor. And he cares about all of this becoming less and less awkward, with every dinner and every encounter passing by. Joe looks at Taylor's face. She looks beautiful as always, but her empty stare is hard to be overseen. She just sits there since minutes, her second glass of wine almost empty, her eyes on the people behind them who are laughing and chatting at the bar of this place. Robert's arm around her.
"That was incredible." Naomi says as well, has finished her meal as well. Joe feels her hand wander onto his thigh and with a welcoming smile, he just places his hand over hers.
"How was your steak, darling?" he can hear Robert lean over to Taylor's ear and press a gentle kiss onto her head. She seems to move for the first time since a few minutes, obviously has been lost in her own thoughts for a while. She smiles slightly at him and nods.
"Good."
"Anyone wants another drink?" Joe asks, was just about to get up as both Taylor and Robert shake their heads. Naomi leans closer to him, lets him know that she's tired and would prefer  to get another water before heading home. He nods, slowly gets up and makes his way to the bar.
"Taylor, when does Eleanor start pre- school again? Isn't this her last year?" Naomi says, a little louder over the noise of the restaurant, to make sure she understands her well. And Taylor just smiles and nods.
"Yeah, well, government says the kids can go back in September. So we're hoping it all goes well."
"She's super excited." Robert adds, and Taylor just nods at him. His arm still around her shoulder.
"I can't believe she will go to school next year." Naomi says, with a kind smile on her face. Taylor feels her throat tightening. Just the thought of her baby growing up makes her entire body ache. She's so incredibly, ridiculously proud of Eleanor and everything she's become. But she also feels the selfish need to have a baby in the house. She doesn't know how she could ever be without her quirky little daughter. The thought of her growing up and being independent is scarier than anticipated. For the first time in forever, she understands what her mom went through, back then when she decided to move out.
"Yeah, it's scary isn't it.." Taylor says, but Naomi just smiles. Taylor likes that about her. Naomi's smile. Her big dark brown curls, her brown chocolate- colored eyes. The warmth that she radiates. She never thought she'd say this but she's glad it's her. She's glad the woman after her in Joe's life is her.
"You've done such an excellent job. I'm sure Eleanor will thrive." Taylor just smiles at her, almost gets a little emotional at the thought of Eleanor growing up and becoming her own person. Just when she was about to answer her, is when Joe suddenly waves at the table, seems to be laughing excitedly as he's got a hand on another man's shoulder. She can clearly see that he's signaling Taylor to have a look. Confusedly, she leans over and can see for her surprise that Joe has met Garret and Laura. She cannot believe it. It takes two seconds and the couple makes their way to the table, both immediately falling into surprises hugs with Taylor. Naomi looks a bit confused to Joe, who's standing next to them.
"Oh my god, what are you guys doing here?" Taylor says excitedly, as she slowly lets go of Laura. She hasn't seen their old friends in years. What a coincidence that they meet here, after lockdown.
"We're just in town for the weekend. You look stunning!" Laura says in her British accent as she looks around. Taylor doesn't have to say anything, can see in Laura's eyes that she understands quickly that the brunette man next to Taylor is in fact, here with her. And not with Naomi in front of him.
"Uhm, Laura, this is Robert."
"Nice to meet you." she says as he already got up to shake her hand. Taylor feels more uncomfortable than she has for a long time. Laura keeps smiling but she looks almost shocked, cannot really believe her eyes that Taylor and Joe seem to not be together anymore.
"So.. you're just.. all having dinner together?" she says, trying not to sound too confused by the situation she just got into.
"Yeah, exactly."
"How's your baby? How's Eleanor?"
"Oh she's great! She's going to school next year." Taylor smiles, thankful for the quick change of topic. Whilst Joe and Garret seem to catch up on their own, Naomi just sits there and witnesses the conversations uncomfortably.
"Okay, guys, we're all getting drinks now." Joe says excitedly after having introduced both to his girlfriend. Taylor, as well as Naomi can sense immediately how happy he is to have met his old friend. Joe's mood is lightening up immediately, even though this means that there will definitely he more alcohol flowing tonight. "Okay, who's getting what? Taylor? Tequila Sunrise? Naomi..." Joe's finger wanders from person to person and Taylor just gives back a strict "Joe!". She will definitely not start drinking tequila now. But Garrett is already making his way to the bar. Naomi is just signaling Joe to get closer to her. She whispers into his ear that she would prefer to go home, which is why Joe immediately hovers down to her, asking her if she's tired.
"I have to work tomorrow. So I think I'll just get a taxi and go home."
"I'm coming with you." he immediately says, feels bad suddenly for insinuating a night out. Which seems to not be what Naomi had in mind for tonight.
"No, no. You... you just met your friends. Just.. just stay. I'll get a taxi."
"No, I'm not..."
"Joe." She says then, her hand reaching for his, an understanding smile on her lips.
"It's fine. Really." Taylor silently noticed the interaction, feels like she just understood what the difference between her and Naomi is. She wouldn't have been this understanding. She probably would've taken on his offer. Would've enjoyed him deciding to go with her, instead of staying here. Taylor breathes in and out. She suddenly feels a knot in her stomach. Is this why he would always go out when he was filming back then? Because he felt trapped with her? Just when she was about to get lost in her thoughts is when Naomi gives her a gentle hug.
"It was so nice seeing you, Taylor." She says, and Taylor smiles. She hugs her close.
"You, too. Get home safe."
_________________
"What are you dreaming about?" Taylor looks up, sees Joe coming back to the table, sitting down right in front of her. She can sense that he's drunk, but not in an uncomfortable way. Joe's always had a way of dealing with alcohol very well. He never gets too loud, too tipsy or mad. Instead, he gets all quiet and smiley, always has, always will. Taylor can feel the alcohol as well, cannot believe that this cosy evening of cinema and dinner turned into a proper night out with Garret and Laura. She cannot explain why, but a few years ago, when the couple moved out to Sussex, they just slowly drifted apart. Phone calls got less, the texts exchanged got less. And life just moved on.
"Someone had a glass or two, huh?" Taylor grins at him. Joe doesn't say anything, just shrugs. He looks happy. He looks at peace. Taylor likes that view.
"Where's your boyfriend?" he jokes, knows too well that Robert had a glass too much just like him, stands at the bar at the end of the venue together with Garret and Laura and laughs loudly. Taylor doesn't like it. Joe doesn't have to ask to understand.
"Don't even ask me." Taylor murmurs to herself, her arms crossed. Her phone on the table in front of her. She keeps checking if she's received any message from Elizabeth. Eleanor is sleeping over at Joe's mom's house and as always, she continues to worry about something happening. It's ridiculous, yes. But in Taylor's nightmare world, the most horrible things could happen to Eleanor whenever she's not with her.
"What's up, Tay?" He suddenly says, and Taylor can't help but look into his face, directly. Joe always had this magic around him. He would change his tone slightly for once, and immediately, both of them were drawn into this alternate world. Familiarity. Intimacy. Trust. He's always had his way to make her open up to him, without even asking. Even now. Taylor swallows. She takes a look at the man in the suit standing at the bar. He's not a bad man. He's smart, successful, makes her feel special. She doesn't know why she feels as if something is off. Doesn't know why she can't let happiness come to her when she looks at him. Taylor then looks back at Joe. She's got her answer now.
"What do you mean" she says, not a question because she knows exactly what he means, but a statement to initiate one last try of not making him feel like he still knows her too well. When in fact, he does.
"You keep staring into... nothing. All evening." Taylor takes a look at him, then looks down at her hands again. He's got his way of always saying what she wants to not be sad. Of always noticing what she doesn't want him to notice.
"What do you want me to say?" She says then, anger in her voice. Her arms are still crossed, and she's in defense mode. Joe knows this version of her very well.
"Do you.. want me to say, I'm unhappy?" she asks with anger in her voice. Joe is the one swallowing now. He doesn't hold back though, doesn't say anything funny to change the mood again. It's the first time in a while that they left this shallow level of communication and instead dive deep into the realm of the versions of each other that they once knew. He knows no one as well as her. And she hates that he still does.
"Are you?"
She keeps staring at him, then breaks their eye contact and shakes her head in what almost seems like rage. Joe didn't want to upset her, and he knows he didn't. She was upset even before he started this conversation.
"Is he nice to you?"
She cannot believe he keeps asking. Slowly, she looks up to him again. Her eyes wander off to Robert, who leans against the bar. A glass of whiskey in his hand, both eyes on Garret as he laughs loudly. Then, her eyes wander back to Joe. He looks concerned. He's got that same frustrated look on his face, as every time when she shared her fears with him. As every time, she shared her pain with him, back then.
"He is." Taylor says, feels so angry all of the sudden. She's not sure if this anger is directed at him, or herself. But she feels the need to just vomit it all out. All of it. "He's into pain."
Joe looks at her in slight disbelief, wonders for a second if he really just heard what she said or if this is the alcohol in his blood. He can see in Taylor's face that she almost enjoys shocking him like this.
"He.."
"Yeah, he's into pain. Sexually."
Joe didn't expect the conversation to go into this direction. He's never felt more uncomfortable, but also never felt like she opened up to him more than she did right now. Not since they parted ways. Not since years.
"And you like that?" Taylor stares into his eyes again. She nods.
"Yeah."
"Really?" Joe answers quietly, hopes she won't notice the discomfort she just caused, the deep unsettling feeling that this topic has brought. He just reaches for his glass, takes another sip. Taylor doesn't move, just takes one last look at Robert behind them. She knows he would hate that she tells Joe about this. She enjoys this a bit too much than she should.
"Yeah. He sometimes slaps me so hard that I have bruises all over my body. I actually like it."
Joe keeps looking into her face, doesn't move. He doesn't know what to say, doesn't know which reaction she would appreciate now. He doesn't know why he's telling her this, doesn't know if she's in need of help or whether this is just one of her drunk phases. All he can say for sure is that he's worried. That with this conversation, his younger self is experiencing his worst nightmare.
"You don't have to do anything you don't like. No matter with who. You know that, Tay, right.." He said these words so quietly, so honest, so intimate that she feels a shiver on her spine. She's never, in a million years, imagined that they would have to have this conversation. Her and Joe. Life has a sad and funny way of unraveling itself.
"Seems like you can't handle the fact that I do like it." She says then, a smirk on her lips. She doesn't know what she's doing, but notices her anger manifesting in her provocation. She thought she was over this. She thought she didn't have to make him boil anymore to feel some sort of justice in her soul. She likes to see him like this, likes to see him question every intimate moment they ever had.
"You never told me you like stuff like that when we.."
Within seconds, the thrill of revenge in her dissolves. She shouldn't have looked into his eyes again. He doesn't move anymore, doesn't sip on his glass anymore. Instead, his blue eyes capture her face. He's confused and hurt, but tries to hide it from her the best he can.
"It was different with you." she then says, feels this familiar ache in her heart again. Subconscious feelings creeping back up. Loss. An unbearable amount of pain. He has to know, that their intimacy was as incredible as they both knew it was. He just has to know. "I never wanted to do stuff like that with you because I didn't have to." she then murmurs. It's still ridiculously loud in this bar, but he can still hear her. She knows that. "With him, it's always like.. like I'm acting my part. Like, I want to make him feel that I feel these things too. With you, I didn't have to cause I was actually feeling it. It was just... I don't know, it was real." Taylor ends her sentence, cannot believe herself what just came out of her mouth. But it felt good. It felt freeing. It was the truth. Joe doesn't move, doesn't take his eyes off her. He then, slowly reaches for his glass and takes another sip. She shouldn't have started this. She shouldn't have played with fire. Shouldn't have let her anger about life get to her tonight. Taylor doesn't have to look up at him again to notice his face. He keeps staring at her, notices that she's started to pull her fingernails. One of her bad habits that have always crept up as soon as she was stressed.
"I.. uhm.. do you, do you want another drink?"
Taylor immediately nods, would do anything for him to get up and leave and end this situation immediately. She doesn't know what it was, but Joe will forever have this power over her. He's always been able to get her to open up, to get her to start talking in a way she would never talk to anyone. She can sense that he's upset, irritated. She watches him make his way to the bar, right to where the others are standing. It takes a few seconds, and she can see Joe asking Garret for a cigarette before he makes his way out of the crowded place. He's always reached for cigarettes whenever he's been overwhelmed. He's always fallen back into this old habit when he couldn't find a better way to deal with his emotions. Taylor just sits there distraught, reaches for her phone. It's time to go home.
July.
"I cannot believe we're doing this again." Joe mumbles in annoyance, throws his wallet onto the kitchen counter a bit too aggressively. It's late. They've just come home from dinner, where Naomi started the same damn thing again. Over and over and over. He needs to hang out with Eleanor at their place. He needs to not spend time with Taylor anymore. He needs to teach Eleanor that she belongs to him, now.
"Yeah me neither." she says offensive, doesn't even look at him anymore. She just storms off into the bedroom and takes off her shoes. Joe walks behind her, finds her sitting on her side of the bed. She's mad. She's angry. He can feel that. But he's too tired of fighting her. Too tired to be compassionate either. He knows that Naomi wishes to be closer to Eleanor, but he cannot and will not make his daughter hang out with her, if she genuinely doesn't want to.
"I can't believe you're making me do this. I can't believe you're pressuring me to.."
"I'm not pressuring you, Joe." She interrupts him with a frown. "I've not been pressuring you for a year now. All I've been asking is for you to make an effort. To make an effort to spend time together with your daughter and me. How is she ever supposed to have a relationship with me if you're only seeing her when you're alone with her or together at Taylor's? How's that fair to me?" She asks loudly, desperation and anger in her voice.
"Fair?" he answers her, still standing in the doorframe. "You think it's fair for Eleanor? That she gets passed around like a dog?"
"Joe, it's not.."
"It is." he says aggressively. Naomi looks at his face, can sense the offensiveness that he immediately carries as soon as it's about his daughter. And Joe is an excellent father. Determined, committed, keeping his promises. She sometimes wonders if he's always been this way.
"Joe, I.. I want you to have the best relationship ever with your little girl. I love seeing you as a dad. But.. how are we ever supposed to become a family, if you won't let me near her?" she asks quietly now, a lot more gentle than she was before. Joe just looks at her in confusion, still wearing the simple white t- shirt he's worn for dinner tonight. He can understand what she said but fails to comprehend what she actually just said. A family. Naomi and him and Eleanor. A family. Something he's never intended for once.
"I.. I do let you near her. I'm sorry. Let's.. let's not do this tonight." Naomi nods, slowly getting closer, pulling him into a hug. She can feel his arms around her, as she closes her eyes, slowly breathes him in.
"I just feel so insecure when.. when you prefer spending time with Taylor and her. Instead of me. I want to spend time with you and Eleanor." Joe just stares into the distance, doesn't move or react. He can feel this woman laying in his arms. He can feel her craving his commitment. He feels her craving the bond that he's got. The bond he's got with Taylor and Eleanor. He can feel how much she needs him. And yet he feels nothing. Simply, nothing.
September.
"A sailor went to sea sea sea, to see what he could see see see but all that he could see see see..." Taylor sings, looks laughing down at her daughter.
"Was the bottom of the deep blue sea sea sea." Eleanor sings loudly, making Taylor laugh a bit more.
"A sailor went to knee knee knee..."
"To see what he could knee knee knee."Eleanor jumps excitedly on Taylor's hand, while walking down Muswell Hill road. A gentle autumn breeze in her face, her Burgundy colored coat around her. She loves these first days of her favorite season. Leaves are slowly changing colors. The sun still coming out every now and then. With her baker boy cap, she slowly looks down at her daughter who seems to be just as excited as her to go shopping today for her first day back at pre- school.
"It's our favorite song, huh?" Taylor jokes, looks to her left to find Robert stare into his phone again.
"Everything okay?" She asks carefully, as he shakes his head.
"No, I'm missing a meeting in thirty minutes." Taylor feels anger come right back up again. And that, even though she promised herself to be less reactive and more in the moment, these days. But she doesn't get it. She doesn't get why he offered to join her and Eleanor today, when in reality he just doesn't want to.
"I told you, it's okay. You can go to your office if you..."
"No it's fine," he murmurs, and she can sense that he's grumpy. Just when she was about to say something is when Eleanor starts pulling on her hand.
"Mommy, look! We can buy pencils there." Taylor looks into the little old book shop as well, has to smile at her the curly head next to her. Eleanor's a clever kid, but she wants her daughter to have age- appropriate school materials, not a two- hundred pounds expensive steel pencil for pre- schooler.
"I know a place with even nicer pencils, baby. You just wait and see." She says to her daughter, knows how excited the little girl has been for today, all week. Shops opening up again after lockdown was a big deal anyways. She's promised Eleanor to get ice cream later too. Taylor still remembers too well how excited she used to be when she and her mom would pick up new utensils for school before the new year began and she can't wait to make these memories with Eleanor as well.
"Mommy, I want a folder with kittens. Or dolphins." Eleanor says while walking down the street. "Dolphins?" She asks surprised, looks down to her daughter once more. She can see Robert in the corner of her eye. He's still stuck on his phone.
"Yeah, daddy and me watched a movie about dolphins."
"Oh, I remember you told me about that." She says, as Taylor can already see a big sign saying Planet Organic on the other side of the road. She just stops for a second, looks to Eleanor and Robert.
"I have to quickly go to the shop and get some pasta for tonight, okay? Can you stay with Robert?" She asks Eleanor who immediately nods. Robert looks at Taylor in confusion for a second.
"You sure you want to go in alone?" He asks, is well aware that Taylor usually never goes anywhere completely alone. It's usually either her security or him being with her, ensuring she's alright. But Taylor just shakes her head, her hand stroking over Eleanor's curls for a second.
"I'll be back in a minute. Can you watch her?" she says, then looks back to Robert again. He's still on his phone, but Eleanor already reaches for his hand. She's a smart kid. She understood immediately that she has to wait here with Robert now. With a smile on her lips, Taylor quickly makes her way into the supermarket. This is what she's always loved about London. Normalcy. Freedom. Never in a million years would she feel secure enough to just walk into a supermarket in the US all by herself. But here, nobody really cares. With determination to get to the Italian corner of the shop, Taylor makes her way across the isles, stops right in front of the pasta shelf.
"Taylor?"
She turns around and can't believe her eyes. Elizabeth is standing in front of her, immediately falls into a big hug when she sees Taylor. Taylor just smiles widely, can't believe she ran into Elizabeth on a Thursday afternoon.
"Oh my god, what are you doing here?" She asks and Elizabeth looks at her.
"Well, same as you. Getting some food." She laughs, a hand rubbing Taylor's shoulder. She looks as beautiful as always, even though she can tell that Taylor's lost some weight. She looks tired as well, her eyes a bit smaller than usually.
"You look good. Are you good, my love?" The woman asks and Taylor nods immediately.
"Yeah, I'm just getting some pasta for dinner tonight before picking out pre- school stuff with Eleanor." She smiles. "She's so excited, you have no idea. She's waiting outside with Robert." Elizabeth smiles warmly. Taylor's always loved the warmth her smile radiates. Something that Joe definitely has from her. Taylor hopes deeply that Eleanor will always radiate that same warmth as well when she gets older.
"Oh that sounds so lovely. Are you done with your shopping? I want to say hello to my darling."
Taylor looks down at herself, the pasta she wanted to buy in her hands. Together, Elizabeth and Taylor leave the supermarket after a few minutes. But the sight in front of them shocking not just Elizabeth. Eleanor stands crying in front of the shop, Robert kneeing in front of her, obviously scolding the little girl.
"What the hell is going on?" Taylor asks immediately, a crying Eleanor running towards her mummy and pressing her face into her legs in a matter of seconds. With fury in her eyes, Taylor looks at Robert who seems to loose his temper too.
"She just runs to the other side of the street with cars passing by and everything. And then she starts crying.." he rambles, clearly angry at Eleanor's tears. Taylor knows immediately what he's doing. He scared her. He scared her to tears and now gets mad over her crying. The same toxic behavior she's been putting up with for weeks. But this time, it's not her. It's her daughter. A line he crossed, and never should have.
"She is a child!" Taylor says in shock, angry, feels her hands starting to shake. The fact that Elizabeth stands next to her, witnessing the situation doesn't make it better at all. Taylor's protective motherly hands are immediately on Eleanor's head. She's got no idea how loudly he must've yelled at her. But Eleanor is hiding behind her, which tells her everything she needs to know.
"I don't understand why she's crying now? Don't you notice that she does this to manipulate you?!" He says angry, unable to differentiate the emotions of a child from the reactions of an adult. And Taylor's had enough. She officially had enough of this. All of this.
"Manipulate me? She's a child. Children run across the street, which is why adults should have an eye on them. And she's crying because you scared her. Good job, Robert." The man with brown hair just looks at Taylor, then at Eleanor and then back at Taylor in disbelief.
"Are you being serious.."
"Are you being serious?!" Taylor gives back, anger raging in her. With his phone still in his hand, he just shakes his head and walks off. Taylor looks after him, knows she should feel the need to solve this, but she simply doesn't. She watches him walk away and just shares a look with Elizabeth. The brunette woman looks shocked. She didn't expect to witness this situation. Joe told her that Taylor's in a relationship again, but she surely did not expect him to be like this.
"Elizabeth, I'm so sorry..." Taylor just looks apologetically to Elizabeth, as she slowly knees down to be on one level with her daughter. Eleanor's still tearing up. She really got scared. Taylor can feel that.
"What happened, baby? Mhm? Tell mommy what happened.."
"I just wanted to go to the bench on the other side of the road.." Taylor nods, immediately kisses the little wet cheek a few times. Eleanor doesn't have to explain.
"I know. It's dangerous to just run across the street, but it was not okay that Robert yelled at you. I'm so sorry I wasn't here." she whispers, her eyes almost teary. She should've ended this a while back. She should've trusted her intuition from day one. She shouldn't have let this man enter her life for once. She shouldn't have let the man enter Eleanor's life for once.
"Look, baby, I met grandma." Taylor says then, in an attempt to make Eleanor feel better. Elizabeth just smiles warmly, immediately drops her shopping bags in the street and pulls her granddaughter into a warm hug.
"Oh, my Eleanor. I missed you so much. Don't you cry, darling." She whispers and kisses the blonde girl s a few times. Taylor just slowly stands up again, reaches for her phone and starts texting.
December.
"Let's go home." Joe murmurs, his arm around Naomi's shoulder, her giggle in his winter jacket. She cannot believe how tipsy she's feeling, just slowly walks through the cold winter air with him. Snow is falling down to the street.
"You shouldn't have ordered me that last glass of wine." the petite woman is laughing, while walking down the street with him. Joe slowly looks up, the usual Christmas lights are lid up at Carnaby street. He loves how empty this street is late at night, how dark all the shops are where usually life is buzzing. How magical London always looks like as soon as it's covered in snow. It was a fun night out with his friends, right before the Christmas holidays. With his leather shoes, he keeps strolling down the street, his arm still around Naomi.
"I cannot believe Jared and Louise are spending Christmas in Mexico. It's so irresponsible to travel right now." Joe just looks at her, a low laugh escaping him.
"We were just in a small pub with like fifty people. Do you think that's so much safer?" he says and Naomi sighs. Just when she was about to counter him is when Joe's phone starts buzzing. He slowly reaches for his iPhone in the pocket of his jacket, doesn't even listen to Naomi anymore as he reads the text he just received in shock, over and over again.
_________________
"Do you think she will fly to America? We could take care of Eleanor for a while if she..."
"I don't know." he interrupts aggressively, his leg moving uncontrollably for a while now, his face turned to look outside of the window of this taxi. Naomi knows that he's worried and that this is why he changed his entire demeanor just minutes ago. But she doesn't appreciate the tone he's speaking to her with. His mind is somewhere else. She knows that.
"I was just saying. It's fine. I'm happy to take her for a bit." Joe doesn't say anything. He just shakes his head in disbelief. He's mad. Naomi can feel that but just looks at him in confusion. She feels horrible for Taylor as well, especially because she knows how close she is with her mother. However, she doesn't understand why Joe seems to affected by this. She doesn't understand whether that's the alcohol in him, or something else.
"Why are you like this? I'm just trying to help and be supportive, but you always..."
"Not tonight, Naomi." He interrupts her with the greatest frown she's ever seen in his face.
A few minutes later, the big black London taxi stops right in front of Taylor's house. Joe leaves the car faster than Naomi can, has already managed to open the gate with the fob on his key set that he always carries with him. The car drives off, and Joe has already made its way up to the front of the door. Naomi just walks behind him, her boots a bit slippery on the snow frozen ground. It's way past midnight by now, and she cannot believe he's making such a fuss to come over here. Joe aggressively rings the door bell a couple times. Just when Naomi manages to speed up to meet him in Taylor's entry way is when he's already decided to open up the door himself with his key. Something he usually never does.
"Taylor?" she hears him say loudly and concerned, as she walks behind him, now also enters the big warm house. A small light is burning on the chest drawer right in the hallway. Taylor's always had a great taste in interior design. Naomi is well aware. However, the next thing she sees simply takes her breath away. Joe races into the living room, immediately stops where Taylor is sitting. Naomi remains in the doorway, speechless. In nothing but her pajama, Taylor sits on her couch, crying horrendously. She seems to be crying so hard that it almost feels like a scream. A cry for help. She's unable to move. Joe just knees down and within a matter of a second he holds her as tight as he can, with everything he has. His right hand lands on her head, his other arm is securely wrapped around her body. She seems weak, but manages to hold onto him with her hands as if her life was dependent on it. He knows she wants to speak, but the only thing coming out of her is a helpless cry.
"I'm here, Tay. I'm here. It's okay." he whispers into her ear. His hands are shaking too. Her crying feels like a massive wave that demolishes on his soul. He cannot hold her closer than he already does, her wet face in his winter jacket. Her cries getting numb in the thick wool of his sweatshirt. Joe closes his eyes, knows that she's never needed him more than now. He turns his head, kisses her temple as hard as he can. And Naomi stands there, speechless. After a few minutes of Taylor uncontrollably crying, he slowly lets go, both of his hands wandering to her face. He's never seen her like this. Both of her eyes are deep red, she's got red spots all over her face, which always happens when she cannot stop bawling. She cannot really speak, cannot say anything but hold onto his hands.
"Tay, I'm here. I'm here. Take a deep breath first." he says, tries to calm her with his voice as much as possible. He's still kneeing in front of the sofa in her living room, still wearing both winter boots and his jacket. His black boots on her white carpet is something she'd usually get mad about, but not this time. This time she cannot think straight anymore. Joe's hands remain on her cheeks as she tries to force herself to come down. As he watches her fight for her normal breathing pattern is when he realizes that it never should've come this far. It never should've come to a point where she had to call to tell him that he needs to be there. He should've been there, anyways. He should've been there, always.
"She's in a coma." Taylor suddenly cries, as soon as she's managed to breathe a bit slower. With every word escaping her mouth, Taylor starts crying more and more again. Joe just looks into her eyes, feeling every ounce of her pain. His hands didn't let go off her face yet. "She was in surgery and now she's in a coma and I can't fly to her. They won't let me in. The flight I had was cancelled because of the snowstorm and because of stupid covid they won't allow me to use my own jet and now I won't be able to be with my mom before she dies." Taylor cries louder, her face immediately falling into his chest again. Joe truly has never witnessed her like this before. Not when she experienced a miscarriage. Not when she got the news that her life work's been giving away to the person she hated the most. This version of Taylor is something he's never expected to get to know. But being here right in this moment, for the mother of his child, for the one great love of his life, is what it means to feel some sense of purpose again. He's supposed to be here. He's right where he belongs.
"She's not dying, listen to me." he says with a deep low voice, his hand carefully in her neck, while she cries recklessly into his shoulder. "We will find a way, Tay. I'm here. We will figure this out together." he whispers, has fully forgotten the fact that Naomi is still standing in the doorway. She looks shocked, to say the least. It takes another five minutes for Taylor's cries to get less, her head still resting against his winter jacket. She's too weak to let go off him, unable to stop crying even though she's got no strength left anymore. Joe can finally feel her get quiet in his arms. She's not able to cry anymore, and he looks down to her carefully, a bit worried that she might have passed out. Joe is not moving, only sinks his head again to kiss hers.
"Has Tree tried getting you a flight?"
"No." she whims again. Joe's hand on her shoulder is drawing a small circle. She seems to have been ready to go to bed, since she's wearing nothing but her square- patterned pajama. The one that's so old, he's always made fun of it. The lights in the living room are dimmed. He cannot believe Andrea's surgery went wrong. Cannot believe this is happening to his family.
"Okay, here's what we will do. I will call Tree. There has to be a way for you to enter the country. You have citizenship. They can't just..."
"Joe, I tried to schedule the flight and it kept bouncing back because of travel restrictions. I swear to you, I..." Joe watches her reach for her phone and how she tries to unlock it hectically. Both of his hands land on her upper arms again. With a firm grip, he manages to get her looking at him again. Her hands are shaking. She's not able to unlock her phone.
"It's fine, put your phone down. I will call Tree now, and tomorrow morning you're flying out. I promise you." Taylor just keeps looking at him, feels so much confusion in this moment. The fear of losing her mom being the prominent one that almost makes her feel numb, drowsy, unconscious. But then there's also thankfulness. He's there. The only person she ever needed is here. She's not alone in this right now.
"Thank you." she says, starts tearing up again. Joe doesn't say anything, just presses another kiss onto her forehead as she falls crying agains his torso. With both lips on her forehead, he starts to mumble.
"Where's Eleanor?"
"In her bed." Taylor cries, as Joe just nods and automatically reaches for her legs before he gets up. As weak as an injured deer, she just frantically holds onto his neck, doesn't mind that he starts carrying her to bed. She cannot think straight anymore, almost feels like fainting. Joe slowly makes his way past Naomi, looks into her face once and can see the shock in her eyes. He should feel horrible, right now. He should behave differently. He should keep his distance from Taylor. But he can't. He did for a long time. But he can't anymore. Not when she needs him like this. Naomi takes a step back, just watches Joe disappear upstairs with Taylor in his arms. She cannot believe what her eyes just witnessed.Joe just slowly walks up the stairs, Taylor still resting in both his arms. Every step he takes has so much confidence, so much safety in it that Taylor feels okay. She can let go. He's here. Trying to be as quiet as possible to not wake his daughter, Joe slowly enters Taylor's bedroom. Her bedside lamp is lid. Joe just carefully places her in her bed, then reaches for the big white blanket to cover her up. But Taylor doesn't let go of him. Her hands still holding onto his neck. It's been long since he's been so close to her. It's been long since he let her.
"I know you can't sleep now, but just try to rest and close your eyes and tomorrow..."
"Thank you for being here." she suddenly whims a bit louder than before and Joe takes a deep breath. Her head is resting on her pillow, her bangs all messed up and her eyes as swollen and puffy as ever. But right now, he knows why she's crying again. For a slightly different reason than before.
"Joe, I..." she suddenly hiccups. "I don't know if it takes my mom being in a coma or dying but I need you to know that I can't live without you. I wanted to but I can't. And..." Joe swallows hard, his hand still caressing her cheek. It's taken her years to get these words off her chest. And he knows he should get up now and leave, and respect everything that happened in the past years. But he can't. He won't.
"I'm so sorry for everything." she cries again, this time, her entire body shaking under the blanket that he so carefully covered her in.
"Tay.." Joe mumbles, feels his eyes getting teary as well. His chest is vibrating. He feels heat rising in him. He gets emotional. Extremely emotional.
"I might loose my mom now, but I can't loose you. I know I already have. But if there's just..."
"You haven't." he suddenly interrupts her bawling words, and she looks up at him in nothing but shock. She doesn't know what she expected from her rambling but she surely didn't expect this quick, determined, fast answer.
"You've never lost me, Tay. Never." he whispers, his chin trembling a bit. She knows he's trying to hide it, but he can't. With tears still streaming down her cheek, Taylor turns her face to meet his hand that's still on her cheek. With closed, hot eyes she keeps on kissing the back of his hand.
_________________
Joe takes one last look at Eleanor. She's still sound asleep in her bed, turned to the side, her blonde curls in all directions. The little pink lamp next to her still lid. He knows his baby too well. She still cannot sleep without some light in her room. Joe who stood in the doorway now slowly closes the door to her room, is more than glad that she didn't wake up in the past hour. With slow steps, attempting not to wake any one of the two women sleeping in this house, Joe slowly makes his way downstairs. He does feel a bit ashamed, as he finds Naomi standing in the hallway. She's still wearing her winter jacket, still has both her arms crossed. He can see the shock in her eyes, has never before seen her like this. She doesn't say anything, seems to wait for him to explain himself.
"I'll have to stay here tonight. Taylor's not able to look after Eleanor or..."
"No you're not." she suddenly answers and Joe, who was just about to take off his shoes looks at her all confused. It's extremely quiet in the house, finally. A type of quiet that should be normal at two in the morning.
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. You're not staying here tonight." Naomi says. A sense of anger and dominance in her voice, that he's never heard before.
"Naomi, Taylor's mother is in a coma on the other side of the world. I have a daughter sleeping upstairs, who cannot be..."
"Taylor Taylor Taylor. I cannot listen to this anymore!" she suddenly yells at him and Joe looks at her in blunt shock. He's never seen this calm woman fall into a wave of rage, has never heard her yell at him. "If you stay here tonight, then you can leave. Then you can get your shit out of our flat and stay gone for good. I've seen enough tonight of you... kissing your ex, treating her like you love her. If you stay here Joe, it's over. I mean it." she says, her eyebrows raised in fear that he might say anything she doesn't want to hear, her chest heaving nervously. She's been loud. Too loud, and Joe knows why. She should be in rage. She should hate him for this.
"Okay." he suddenly says in a low voice. Naomi just stands there, swallows once, then looks at him again.
"What?" she whispers, feels like the floor under her is trembling. She didn't expect this. She absolutely didn't expect this.
"I will stay here tonight. I want to stay here tonight, with Taylor. I'm.. I'm so sorry." he answers, can't dare look into her eyes anymore. He knows he's breaking her heart. He knows she deserves better than him. A lot better actually.
"I cannot..."
"I will pick up my stuff next week. I'll pay rent until the end of our tenancy agreement. I'm sorry." he says quietly, his entire demeanor being the opposite to her. He's calm. Decisive. He's made up his mind. But he can see the hurt in her eyes, the anger as she reaches for her handbag on the dresser next to her and storms off. She bangs the massive door behind her, ensuring that everyone in the house wakes up. But Joe doesn't mind. She deserves to hate him forever. She deserves to not forgive him for this. He's got no idea what just happened, cannot believe what came over him. He slowly places his shoes next to the doorway, then enters the dark kitchen at the end of the living room. He carefully turns on the light over the sink, reaches for a glass from the shelf in front of him. With slow movements, Joe fills some water into the glass, turns off the light again and makes his way out of the kitchen. With every step he takes, he awaits anxiety to kick in. With every step up the stairs he's expecting to feel shock, regret, confusion, insecurity. But he feels nothing. He feels nothing but peace, security, certainty, determination. He knows that Taylor is confused, hurt, caught in a cloud of anxiety right now. He knows that she could regret everything she just said to him. He knows in fact that she would've never had the guts to tell him what she just told him, if she hadn't been in this situation. But he also knows that he's finally following his gut instincts. That he's finally taken a step he anticipated for so long. He cannot lead a relationship with someone who's... not her. Joe slowly opens the door to her bedroom, is more than surprised but happy to find her passed out in her bed. The lamp next to her still lid. Her face swollen from her crying. Her iPhone firm in both her hands. Joe carefully places the glass of water next to her and turns off the light.