His breath is visible in the cold winter air, both of his hands deep in the pockets of his thick but old leather jacket. Joe just stands there, realising now that it would indeed have been a good idea to put on a scarf before he left the house earlier.
A bit impatient as always, he just stands there right by the entrance and next to the big brick stone walls of the old school. He doesn't care what Taylor or his mum say, this preschool definitely is a bit too elitist for his taste. He feels awkward just standing next to the other parents, most of the adults being females and certainly of different backgrounds than he is. Even though money wise it seems that Taylor and him as parents do belong here. But for everything else, they both definitely don't.
He can feel a few stares on him, tries not to pay attention to any of it. His stare instead falls onto the masses of children who are just leaving the building. It almost looks like an evasion of tiny humans. At least fifty children at similar height are excitedly leaving the old building, running through the snow right into their parents arms. Joe smiles at a little redhead boy, who falls into his mother's arms who stands right next to him.
A little more impatient than before, Joe just stands there waiting, had promised Eleanor that he wouldn't be late this time. After yesterday's incident of him being fifteen minutes too late because of traffic and Eleanor standing all alone at the gate, a little more anxious than she usually would, he has rescheduled all of his auditions and meetings to ensure that he will be there this time. Right on time. Right next to all of the other parents, who pick their children up at school.
It takes a few minutes until the biggest batch of children has left the building. It's just in this moment, that Joe gets a bit confused. Why is his daughter not leaving the building?
Just when he feels a wave of parental anxiety rush over him, is when the big door at the entrance opens once more and a little girl of much smaller frame than the kids next to her slowly walks across the schoolyard. The curly head isn't even looking for him. Joe has to laugh. Of course her attention is fully focused on the snow underneath her. Eleanor drops her bag in the snow for a second, knees down to touch the white magic on the floor. Joe just witnesses the situation, shaking his head. He can't believe it. She's got this fascination for the little things from her mother, that's for sure. Just when Joe was about to call her name is when the six year old lifts her head up again and her eyes meet his. Eleanor immediately smiles, runs towards him in excitement. Joe can't help but laugh a little louder this time, feels this immense rush of happiness overcome him. He already knees down a bit more than he usually would, just so the little person can meet him on her level and fall into a hug with him. He understands the romance of it all now. Picking your child up from school. Seeing this little face light up at the thought of their parents waiting for them to come home.
"Hello, my love. Why's your jacket in your hands? It's cold!" Joe says into the hug, has immediately lifted her up and stands on the same spot as before, his daughter looking at him with a big smile. Just when she starts rambling about her not being cold, a discussion topic he's used to by now, is when Joe automatically presses a kiss onto her little mouth. He doesn't care about the stares of the people standing next to him. If there's one thing he got used to since having Taylor in his life, is the annoying stares of strangers.
"I'm not cold, daddy."
"Yeah you always say that but I don't want you to get sick." Joe answers, slowly letting her daughter down again and taking the little cat themed backpack from her shoulders. He knees down onto her level again, helps her put her green winter jacket on. Her curls are messy again, and cold from the icy wind too. It's about time he helps her put on her winter jacket.
"How was school today?" He asks, helps her lead both arms back into the leash of her backpack over the jacket. "Good. Can we have pizza for lunch?" Joe, who still struggles to close the tiny zipper of her jacket, just breathes out laughing.
"Someone's hungry?"
Eleanor nods. Her eyes still focused on the little doll she's had in her hands since this morning. Joe explained to her that she could take her favourite toy to school if she wants, but only under the condition that she puts it right into her backpack when class starts. Joe knows that Taylor would've asked her to leave her toys at home. But he also knows that Eleanor has been struggling being away from her mother for the first time in her life. It's been five days now. The longest Eleanor has ever gone without her mother. If this little doll gives her some sort of distraction or safety, then he's all there for letting her bring it to wherever she wants.
"Daddy, can we call mummy today?" She asks quietly as if she's listened to his thoughts just now. Joe nods quietly. He still squats right in front of her, his face close to hers. His big hand wanders to the small cheek. Like automatism, he presses a kiss onto her head, stands upright then and reaches for her cold hand.
"Of course. I think mummy might still be sleeping right now because it's... very early in Nashville. But I'm sure she'll call as soon as she wakes up." He says and Eleanor nods. Together with Eleanor, he now slowly walks down the little road towards his car. He can feel how quiet Eleanor is, and Joe decides to speak about it.
"Is everything okay? Are you sad?"
Eleanor shrugs, her attention still fully focused on the doll in her right hand.
"When is mummy coming back? I miss mummy." She says with a quiet voice and it breaks his heart. Joe knows that all of this is new to her as well, just as much as it is for him. He realises with a slight ache in his chest, that it has always been Taylor who would pick her up from school, do lunch, do dinner, just being the daily constant in the little girl's life. But he wants Eleanor to know that her mother hasn't left her. And that him picking her up from school, bringing her to bed, doing bath time with her - is something she will experience way more often from now on.
"Mummy will be back when grandma is doing better. She told you yesterday, remember?"
Joe looks down to Eleanor just as the both of them reach his car. Eleanor still remains more quiet than usually. Taylor was right. She was right when she told him on FaceTime two days ago that Eleanor is always needy after school, simply because she's tired. It's a new rhythm for the young child to be at school every day from 9-12. This is the first time in her life, that Eleanor has commitments. One hour of pre- school turned into three.
Someone definitely is in need of a nap.
"What kind of pizza do you want?" He asks as he starts the car, takes a look into the rear view mirror. Eleanor's eyes light up for a second and Joe has to smile automatically.
"Pumpkin pizza."
Joe starts laughing.
"Pumpkin pizza? Is it still Halloween?"
Eleanor laughs out loud. "With pumpkin and gingerbread."
Joe can't help but smile again as he drives the both of them home.
"Pumpkin and gingerbread and..."
"And monkey poo." Eleanor squirms and then giggles again, clearly loving her own joke. He sometimes can't find the right words for how humorous this little human being already is.
"Alright then, monkey poo pizza it is!"
_______________________
"I can't believe she's knocked out already? What did you do to her?"
Joe places the phone on the kitchen counter, upright just so she can see him standing in front of the kitchen sink, folding the kitchen towel he just used to clean the plates with. She can't help but laugh at him. Joe's always had two left hands when it comes to household activities. She's well aware in what condition she might find her house again once she comes back.
"We had pizza, she ate exactly one half of a slice. But of course made daddy buy her a large one. Then she told me she needs to go to the bathroom and once I got upstairs she was passed out with her little horse toys in her hands."
He hears Taylor laugh through the screen, watches her laying on her bed on the other side of the ocean. Her eyes still smaller than usually. He likes the fact that he's been able to make her smile, even if just for a split second. The last days have been taking a toll on her. In every possible way.
"I told you preschool has been tough for her. She's not used to this new rhythm. Promise me you put her to bed as early as I told you to."
Joe sighs but then smiles again at her.
"Of course I do. I'm her dad, you know. Not a babysitter."
"I know, I know. I didn't mean to..."
"No, it's fine, Tay. How are you?" He asks, his voice softening immediately. He still stands there in the middle of the kitchen, his face fully focused on his iPhone screen. Taylor likes this sight. His navy flannel shirt, that is not fully buttoned up. His facial hair. The strand of blonde hair casually falling into his face. A rush of calmness overcoming her inner storm.
"I slept for a few hours. Which has been good. I'm waiting until 10 though because they won't let me visit earlier. Dad said they told him yesterday that she's stabilising. I can't believe it though unless I can physically talk to her and.. see that she's okay."
Joe nods. No one understands how tough this has really been on her. Nobody is closer to their parent, than Taylor is. Andrea is her world. Her support system. Her anchor. He knows how deep these fears are running, which she experiences right now. Reason enough to remember, what really matters. And to remember what never really mattered at all.
"That's the first step. She needs to stabilise before she can speak to you. That's such a good and crucial step, Tay."
"I know, I know." She sighs, clearly lost in her thoughts again. She doesn't even look at him, her face focused somewhere else. He loves staring at her though the lenses of her camera.
"It's just.. you just have these horror scenario thoughts of like.. what if I never see her again? What if we will never speak again?" she goes on a ramble, as she did so many times these past days. And he can't blame her. Seeing your own mother unresponsive in a hospital bed is the scariest thing he could imagine.
"Tay.." he interrupts her, wants to take her right out of her horror thoughts.
"No, I'm serious. I know it's too early to say this but last night I woke up and... Joe, the only question I had on my mind was: will I ever feel happiness again?"
Joe doesn't say anything. Her feelings are valid. He can see Taylor move on her white bedsheet. She really is not doing okay. And he wishes he could take the pain from her that she's going through right now.
"I think happiness is something so natural and profound that even without you trying - at some point in your life you will be feeling happiness. It's inevitable I think."
Taylor nods, thinking about his words for a bit. He's probably right. She knows this is her mind confusing her.
"But Tay, I just want to remind you that your mum is still here. She's sick. Her body has been through a lot. But you haven't lost her yet. Don't forget that."
Joe can see the blonde woman on the other side of the pond nodding, as she slowly sits up and makes her way through the apartment. Her beautiful face still big in the camera. How much he appreciates that.
"I know. I just.. ugh. I needed that reality check. You're right. Thanks."
"You're welcome." he says silently, just loud enough so that she can hear him. Taylor feels the elephant in the room more than before in this moment. Just when silence kicked in. And so does Joe. But neither of them seem to know how to address the big and loud and beautiful but fearful elephant, right between them that has been there ever since that night before she left.
"So." she says then, acts distracted while speaking to him. He knows she's faking it.
"So?"
"How's.. Naomi?"
Joe looks at her, slowly places his elbows casually on the counter in front of him and starts to smile. She knows exactly how this situation ended, but she seems to want to hear it herself, which is valid. He can feel this low level of anxiety arise between them that she doesn't seem to want to have to endure.
"You've got jokes."
Taylor just looks at him again, stops the process of filling her coffee machine with Nespresso capsules just to look at his facial expression. She doesn't know where she's at, doesn't know anything for certain right now. She doesn't know what she wants to hear. But she needs to hear something. Just something.
"That was a serious question. Did you speak to her?"
"I didn't." Joe says slowly.
"Why?"
"I didn't want to." He says then. Silence taking over the conversation again. "I still don't want to. I just like talking to you right now."
"Okay." Taylor answers him. She doesn't know what else to say, doesn't have the mental capacities right now to go deeper into what they are. Her and Joe, their past, their future, their fragile mosaic hearts that are still crushed on her kitchen floor.
"Is that okay for you?" Joe asks carefully , slowly dares to take a step further than last time they spoke. He knows she's not in the mindset to think about what they are or what they could be. But he likes this. Speaking to her. Being close to her, even though she's so far away.
"Yeah, that's okay for me." She says a little shy and he can't help but smile. He knows it's too early for any type of reconcilement and arrangement. Instead, he knows that whatever could or should happen in the future is a long road ahead. But right now, hearing that she likes how things are, him not seeing anyone, but instead living in her house, with their child, speaking to her on the daily - is okay for her. And it sure is for him.
"Good."
"Good." She says, and Joe can sense her nervousness through the screen. She finally looks at him again, seems to wait for her coffee to be ready. In her pyjamas and hair a bit more messy than usually, she dares to take a look at him and Joe can't help but laugh. It's been a long time since things have been so awkward between them. Almost an old and familiar nervousness that seems to have made its way back to them. It's a positive nervousness though. Excitement. The realm of possibilities in the air. Like a new day.
"What are you doing now?" He asks to loosen up the mood again. And Taylor seems to be thankful. He can sense that immediately.
"Just taking a shower and answering some work emails before I head to the hospital. Can you.. can you promise me to have her call me when she wakes up? I miss her terribly." Taylor says and Joe nods. He knows that the separation has not just been tough on Eleanor. Taylor is struggling too. A normal motherly reaction.
"Of course, Tay. I will wake her up in an hour to get ready for Emily's place. And..."
"It's Emma!"
"Yeah, I mean Emma." Joe mumbles and Tay just rolls her eyes with a smile on her lips. He's not used to the parenting game as much as she is. Both of them know that.
"Sorry, I struggle to remember all the kindergarten friends names. Is there anything I need to know before dropping her off?"
"No, just be careful not to be late. Her mother is a bit of a fury."
"Lovely." Joe says sarcastically making Taylor laugh for a split second. He watches her fill her coffee up with some steamed milk. It's nice, watching her morning routine from here. It's nice watching her. It really is.
"Yeah aside from that, enjoy your free afternoon. Remember the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow morning."
"Oh god, I need to start taking notes." Joe rambles, clearly not used to Taylor's schedule yet. She just looks at him amusedly, how he runs with his fingers through his hair, his phone in his hand now, taking a note. He's stressed and she finds it endearing how hard he's trying to do everything perfectly for Eleanor.
"Yeah you really should."
_______________________
"Daddy?"
Joe can't help but smile about the little steps he can hear coming from the stairs. He's just put his laptop aside and wanted to make his way upstairs to wake her up again. But it seems that she's done that all by herself already. With a smile on his face, Joe goes up the stairs to meet her half way.
"My love. Morning to you." He just says sarcastically as the sleepy toddler holds up her hands, signals him to pick her up. Joe immediately does so, feels her hide her face in his shirt. She's still sleet and in need of some proximity. He can feel how much she actually needs him now that Taylor is not here. Within a matter of seconds, Joe has entered her room together with her, sat down on the big rocking chair in her room, holding her close to him. One hand securely around her waist, the other hand stroking her hair up and down while whispering sweet nothings into her ear. This is it. The real kind of love. The kind that you can only feel as a parent. So pure. So rare. So unmistakably strong and hurtful. Hurtful because suddenly there's something fundamental to loose.
Eleanor's hand wanders up to his cheek, her warm little fingers mindlessly resting on his stubble. He looks at her smiling. She really is grumpy from her afternoon nap.
"I love you." He says. Just because. Eleanor slowly sits up, lets her head fall onto his shoulder again. Her entire body is resting against him. An unconditional feeling of trust and warmth that he radiates in this moment.
"Did you have a good nap?" He whispers as his big hand is still protectively rubbing her back.
"Mhmhm." She nods, still not really moving.
"You know what? Mummy called a few minutes ago." Suddenly, Eleanor slowly sits up, looks at him, biting her lower lip in a smile. It's unbelievable how much happiness he can suddenly see in her eyes. And it makes him smile widely. Eleanor's hand is still on his shoulder, but her mind is with her mum. Joe knows that.
"Mummy called?"
"Yes. She misses you so much. Shall we give her a call back?"
Eleanor immediately nods. Within a matter of seconds, Joe feels her little feet move up and down excitedly on his lap. She cannot hide her feelings ever. Her entire face is lighting up as she sees the blonde woman on the iPhone screen.
Joe can't help but laugh at her face. And even more at Taylor's squeaks. These two girls love each other to the bone.
_______________________
"No, mum. Yes I know. We.."
Joe sighs loudly, his phone stuck between cheek and shoulder. His arms trying to juggle the groceries he just picked out. The tall blonde man quickly looks around. Massive amounts of people are doing their weekly shopping in this shop. But no shopping cart is anywhere in sight. He should have known when he entered the shop that he would need one. But instead, he just went straight to one of the fridges, confident that he would be able to be out of here within less than five minutes.
"She lives in Tufnell Park. Pine Road. Right between Kentish Town and.."
His mother interrupting him once more. If she won't let him end this phone call soon, he might actually drop a majority of the stuff he's holding in his hands right now.
"Mum, listen. I'll pick her up as soon as I'm out of here and we will be there on time. Promise. Okay? Gotta go. Bye, mum."
Joe manages to let his phone slip from his neck, right into his arms without dropping it again. With a firm grip, he lets it slide into the pocket of his jacket and makes his way to the next isle. Coffee, Milk, Biscuits. The blonde man with his leather jacket looks around. After a few seconds, he reaches for one of the more healthier looking digestives on the shelf. Are those the snacks that Taylor always gives Eleanor? He looks around again. There's nothing more nutritious- looking in close proximity. He feels sweat on his forehead. Why is it so bloody warm in this shop during winter? With another sigh, he makes his way to the end of the isle and to his surprise, finds one single empty cart right there on the ground. Someone seems to have left it there. With slight relief, he empties his arms full of groceries in the basket and stands up again. Now with almost free hands, it's way easier for him to get everything else he needs. Just when Joe was about to reach for the biscuits again is when his phone starts buzzing. Once more. He cannot believe his mother. How many more times does he have to ensure her that Eleanor and him will be on time for dinner? Joe reaches for the buzzing phone in his pocket, takes one step back to let a woman next to him pass by. He can't believe how crowded the supermarket is. But what he can't believe either is the name on his iPhone screen. He's surprised himself about his reaction, but the nervousness has come back. Taylor.
"Hey." he picks up, his voice definitely smoother than a few minutes ago when his mother called him.
"Hey." she answers, and he can just tell that her mood is better too. Joe just remains there, still between coffee and biscuits, just smiling to himself.
"You sound good."
"I am. Mom woke up. We spoke. She's going to be fine."
Joe cannot believe it. He just starts laughing out of relief, his phone still on his ear, the shopping cart in his hands completely ignored.
"What? Tay, that's... I can't..."
"I know." she answers and Joe can hear the tears in her voice. She's been crying. She's emotional. He knows that voice too well.
"I've been speaking to the doctors and she's going to need a lot of rest but she's awake Joe. She's responsive and they're giving her lunch. She wants to eat. She even asked them if she can take a shower. I just.. I'm so relieved."
Joe just stands there smiling, taking a deep breath in and out. It's like a massive rock has been lifted from his chest.
"Tay, you cannot believe how happy that makes me." he says, tries to keep his voice down to not have people notice him too much. But he struggles hiding his happiness. The happiness he's feeling when he hears her like this.
"I know, that's why I wanted to tell you." She says, making him smile once more.
"That's amazing. I can't wait to tell Eleanor."
Joe can hear Taylor smile through the phone.
"Where are you?" she asks then, must have heard the customer announcement in the background through the phone. For the first time in minutes, Joe looks around, remembers again that he was here on a mission. Dinner for tomorrow. School lunch for Eleanor.
"I'm at the supermarket actually."
"Oh really? So domestic?" She teases him.
"Yeah, I've changed." He grins.
She doesn't say anything. She knows for quite some time now. He really has changed.
"What's on your list?" She says instead, enjoys these mundane conversations with him.
"Milk, cereal, toilet paper, tomatoes, paprika, eggs... and I'm trying to figure out what biscuits Eleanor always eats." He says, takes a look at the shelf again.
"Just grab whatever you think she would like. She's easy with snacks." Taylor says, "But wait a second.. that grocery list...are you cooking for her?" She says in disbelief and Joe is already laughing again at the shock in her voice.
"Well, yes. I've found this very easy pasta recipe with tomato sauce and spinach. So..."
"Who are you and what have you done to Joe." She just says and Joe grins once more at her teasing. He places the biscuits confidently in the cart now and makes his way to grab some milk.
"Hey, I can't feed her with pizza and Chinese take out for another week. She might have diabetes by the time you come home."
He can hear Taylor smile through the phone. She likes what she's hearing. He likes knowing how much she's doing that lately.
"You sound stressed."
"Well, my mother has been butchering me for a week now that I need to bring Eleanor to dinner. Eleanor is still at Christine's house. And traffic has been crazy. I didn't find parking at the shops in Archway. So I had to come all the way to Kentish Town to get some bloody tomatoes and biscuits for two pounds. And then my mother just calls me every five minutes with a new reminder. And it's also so bloody hot in here. I swear, Tay, it's two hundred degree in this shop. And.."
"Oh my god, you got the Sunday blues." She interrupts him and he can't help but agree with her laughing. Sundays when you're a single parent certainly aren't as relaxing as they used to be. Instead of sleeping in, staying in bed all day with take out foods and lots of sex, it's now morning walks and making breakfast for a toddler, taking care of laundry so that your kid has something to wear in the upcoming week. It's driving them to friends, because children need to spend time outside getting some fresh air.
"I don't know how you do it, Tay." He says, knowing very well that he's about to start a very fundamental, very sensitive topic between him and Taylor right here on this Sunday evening, in the middle of the vegetable isle at Waitrose. But he's been feeling so close to her lately. She's so far away, yet it's been ages that they've been so open and intimate with each other. There's no sex, no physical contact, yet it's in the way he's been letting her in. It's in the way she's been letting him get close, telling him about her family, sharing her feelings with him. It's an old familiarity that's in the air whenever they speak.
"I'm serious, I just find myself... being in absolute awe about what you've done the past three years. Raising her alone. While working. Doing such an amazing job raising her. You're so on top of things. Like.." Joe once again finds himself rambling, but it had to come out either way.
"You just know how she likes her toast in the morning. You're so good at doing her hair. I've been spending two fucking hours last night with a crying Eleanor while I was trying to comb her hair. But she's got these half curls, half straight hair, just like you. And I was so worried to hurt her but then again, I can't let my child go to bed with her hair everywhere.."
He stops speaking when he hears the giggles on the other side of the phone.
"You'll figure it out. I might be good at the daily mom stuff. But you're good at other things." She soothes him, can't help but smile widely over the thought of Joe currently experiencing the toughest and realest and most brutal dad- training of his life.
"And what's that? Ordering pizza on time? Buying her a toy every time the dad guilt comes up?" he mumbles, his phone now between cheek and shoulder again as he's busy scanning his items at the self- checkout.
"No, silly!" She says, "You just... you smile at her once and she's yours. You say one sentence and her entire demeanor changes. You're her hero. You have no idea what an impact you have on her."
Joe gets a bit more quiet than before, just reaches for the plastic bag before leaving the shop.
"You just say that to make me feel better about the tomato sauce I will absolutely ruin tomorrow."
He hears her laugh once more. He knows that she meant every word she said. And it means a lot to him. She doesn't answer, and Joe enjoys this little moment of silence between them. He cannot wait until she comes back.
"I'm in a good mood today. Better enjoy my graciousness." she mumbles. The cold winter air in his face, Joe open his car from afar. He didn't want to go there but he just has to.
"When do you think you'll be back?"
"I'm not sure yet. I want to be here for the next days just to make sure she's okay. But Austin promised to look after her for a while. But then again, I know Eleanor..."
"Hey, take all the time you need." Joe says, the groceries on the backseat of his car now.
"Thank you." she says. "I'm so glad you're there with her."
"I'm always there for her, Tay."
_______________________
"Grandma, can we go take a look at the old scooters now?"
Joe shares a telling look with his mother, who has to laugh already. She shouldn't have suggested this before dinner. She should've known that dinner would have to be quick, knowing that this little girl would be too excited to contain herself.
"Let grandma finish her plate." Joe says in a calm voice, has already finished dinner and now looks at the nervous blonde child next to him. He can feel how nervously she moves her feet under the table, is interested in nothing else but playing with the scooters that her grandmother has told her about before dinner. Elizabeth has been cleaning out the attic and found these old city scooters and Patrick and him have been playing with in the past. And Eleanor has been excited ever since she's mentioned it.
"Why don't you play with your pocket doll house you brought until we're finished?" The tall man with the dark voice says again. He's too tired tonight to get stressed by Eleanor's excitement to drive up and down the street for an hour, meaning that he will he the one pushing her up and down the hill again and again. A workout he's not really in the mood for tonight. The curly head nods happily and crawls down the chair that she's been sat on. Elizabeth finishes the salad on her table and looks smiling after Eleanor. It's already dark outside but the cozy and yellow lamp on the side of the room lights up the entire living room. It was a nice idea, inviting Joe and Eleanor over. Richard has been out of town whilst her other boys had plans too. It was a nice idea spending time just with her middle son and his daughter. She missed both of them.
"She's like you." Elizabeth just says. Joe, who took a sip of the white wine in front of him, slowly laughs into his glass.
"Not true."
"Oh yes! You were so impatient as a child. Not a single dinner without you running off."
He looks at Eleanor who now sits on the floor in front of the TV, talking to herself and playing with her dolls.
"How did you do it? I mean.. I just spoke to Tay about it. I'm exhausted. I enjoy nothing more than spending every second with her, but it's also... a lot of work, that I didn't feel before when it was just her and me on the weekends."
Elizabeth takes another bite of her roast, looks at him and can't help but be surprised about Joe calling Taylor by her nickname. Tay. It's the first time since ages that he's been calling her anything else but her full name.
"You grow into it. You loose your patience here and there. But then you remember that it's all worth it and things work out again." Elizabeth says and Joe nods, watching Eleanor from afar. What his mother just said about parenthood is truer than he thought it would be. It's about forgiveness, for himself. It's about forgiving that he made mistakes in the past. That there are things he still hasn't figured out. He might not be able to comb her hair properly, or making lunch packages that are as yum as Taylor's are, but at least he's trying. At least he's spending every moment of the day looking out for her, trying to get better at this.
"Isn't Naomi helping you with this? I always thought, she was so good with Eleanor."
Joe suddenly gets pulled out of his thoughts, looks at his mother in shock of the sudden change in topic and clears his throat a bit uncomfortable.
"Well, mum. I actually, I wanted to let some time pass before I tell you this but.. Naomi and me, we.. we broke up."
Elizabeth puts knife and fork down and looks at him surprised. It's not the same shocked look she's had on her face when she found Joe crying in that old and empty house years ago, realising that Taylor and Eleanor had left him. She doesn't seem startled, more surprised. And Joe feels uncomfortable all of the sudden.
"Oh wow, that's.. that's some news." She says, takes a sip of her wine.
Joe can't tell what her reaction really is, but he surely feels uncomfortable in this moment.
"Did she break up or did you?"
"Why does that matter?"
"Well, I'm your mother. I just want to know what happened?"
Joe sighs. He should have known that she won't stop digging. He should have remembered how curious his mother always has been. Clearly.
"Well, it was me." He says, almost throwing his hands up, guilty, knowing that there's no reason to feel this way. However, she does make him feel like he should feel guilty. It's the look on her face.
"I ended the relationship because..."
"Because of Taylor."
"Excuse me?" Joe says, cannot believe that his mother has just gone there, out of nothing.
"Joe, I'm really sorry, but... don't tell me this isn't the reason you ended the relationship with Naomi." Elizabeth says then, almost a certain level of annoyance in her voice. Joe doesn't understand where this undertone is coming from. Since when has it been any of her business who he's in a relationship with and with whom he just broke up.
"And even if it because of Taylor, where is that anger coming from?" he defends himself, still not understanding why. He didn't ask for her opinion. He didn't cheat on Naomi. He simply ended a relationship that wasn't working. And since when does she hold a grudge against Taylor again?
"Joe, why did you end the relationship with Naomi? She was such a lovely person, so understanding of you and your child and..."
"Okay, mum. That's enough." He says angry, can't believe what he's hearing.
"I'm serious. Do you really think you will find someone more understanding of the mess of Taylor and you?"
"What did you just say?" He asks, speechless.
"Joe, I don't want to be insulting or anything, but.."
"Too late." he murmurs, ready to finish his drink and head off. If there's one thing he's not doing tonight, then it's listening to his mother's opinion on his love life.
"You know I love Taylor. She's like a daughter to me. But you both have a history. And right now, there's a six year old child involved. You both were on such a good way to be civil with each other. You're playing with fire, Joe. You need someone by your side who's stable. For you and Eleanor. And..."
Joe just looks at his mother, continuously shaking his head. He can't believe where this is coming from. A level of negativity that almost crushes the bubble he's been in ever since Taylor woke up in his arms two weeks ago. The bubble in which there's just him and his family again. Taylor and Eleanor. Eleanor and Taylor.
"Are you saying that Taylor is unstable?"
Elizabeth sighs, now pushes the plate in front of her aside. She feels that he doesn't understand her point. Or perhaps he does, but doesn't want to admit that she is right.
"I never said that. I'm saying that you and Taylor have tried this before. And it ended in such a horrific way. For everyone. Joe, you were.. we were so worried about you when she left you. And took Eleanor from you. I know you love her, but a relationship with a child takes more than that. And I felt like ever since Naomi was in the picture you were doing so well. You saw Eleanor more often than in the past years. I just..."
Joe takes a deep breath. He won't freak out now. He won't get up and yell at his mum tonight. After all, Eleanor is just next door and doesn't have to witness this situation.
"Mum, listen to me." he says, hoping she won't interrupt him this time, "First of all, I'm sorry but I didn't ask for your opinion on who I'm in a relationship with and who I'm not in a relationship with. Second, I didn't even tell you that I want to be with Taylor or that she wants to be with me. But you just jump to conclusions. This is mental. You also don't know Naomi that well. And I'm sorry to break it to you but there's also things between Taylor and me or Naomi and me that... that you don't understand."
Elizabeth just looks at him, can sense how worked up he's getting. She knows that she's gone a step too far. She didn't want to make him angry. Instead, all she wanted was for him to finally be in a fruitful and calm and secure relationship. Naomi wanted a family with him. Elizabeth could tell. But even without Joe admitting any of it, she just knows that what he wants is still a certain tall American woman.
"You're right." She says a bit more quiet and calm now. She can see the anger in Joe's face. "I'm sorry, Joe." The sixty year old woman says again. But her son doesn't seem to light up.
"I didn't want to make you angry."
"That didn't work out so well."
Elizabeth sighs. Her hand reaches for Joe's, that's on the table right in front of her. He still doesn't look into her eyes.
"I want you to be happy, Joe. I want you to... to have a family of your own again. And.."
"I have a family, mum." He says then, looks at her once more. His big and angry eyes meeting hers. "I have a family. My child is sitting right there."
Elizabeth feels the frown on his face radiating to her side of the table. She doesn't say anything else and nods slowly.
_______________________
"Mommy!" Eleanor screams loudly, already running outside. Joe is just standing in the door way, happy that he's been able to stop her for a second and make her put on some wellies before she's left the house and ran into the foreyard with nothing but her sweatshirt on. After all, it's still winter, right before Christmas, and fully snowing outside. He feels his stomach getting nervous with every second passing, can't help but smile at the sight of his daughter. Full of pure happiness, Eleanor runs towards the big black car that has just been parked in front of the house. It takes less than five seconds and Taylor has left the car, hugging Eleanor as close as physically possible, her face is similarly excited as Eleanor's. She's wearing sweats, her hair in a loose bun as mostly when she wants to be comfortable during a long flight. He can't help but laugh at the dozens of kisses that are being exchanged between these two girls. A lot of love between them. So much that Taylor can't seem to notice her driver carrying her suitcases to the door entrance right where he stands. For a second he steps aside, just looks at Taylor making her way up to where he is. Eleanor in the meantime has already started telling her mum all about the breakfast pancakes she's been making this morning with her dad. And Taylor can't help but smile as she finally enters the warm and cozy house again.
Home. It's been a while.
She quickly lets go off the toddler in her arms, takes a deep breath as she looks at Joe. She's been waiting for this moment for a quite a while now and it feels different.
"Hey, housekeeper." she says to him with a smile on her lips.
"Hey there." He replies, definitely feeling the awkwardness in the room as much as she does. Eleanor is already running up to her room, eager to show her mum what she's been crafting at school these past weeks. And the blonde woman in the hallway just takes another step towards the man right in front of her. She can't help but smirk quietly as she falls into a hug with him, giving his lips a casual kiss, just to say hello. But it's just then that the realizes that her kiss hello wasn't a casual kiss on the cheek as planned, but instead planted her lips right on his. She slowly pulls back from the hug and can see in his eyes that he's just as surprised as her about this enthusiastic way to say hi.
"How was your flight?" Joe asks then, acting like this little incident didn't happen. And Taylor appreciates it. A lot.
"Good, good. I'm.. so happy to be home." She says and takes off her shoes already while standing in the hallway. He can sense that she's tired. Joe signals the driver outside that he's good to go, as all of her suitcases are safely in the house. Joe remains standing there and looks at Taylor again. Her bangs are a bit sticky on her forehead. The bags under her eyes a bit darker than usually. She's in some need of rest.
"Do you.. do you want some pasta? We still have some leftovers from last night." Joe insists, knows how uncomfortable he seems. She can tell that he doesn't know what to do with himself, all of the sudden. With his socks he just stands in the hallway of her house. Has been waiting for this moment for a while now, fantasizing too much what it would be like to have her here again. After that one night, that changed everything completely. Joe ending his relationship to Naomi. Taylor and him sleeping arm in arm with each other, all night. All night until morning came and she left the country.
"That's sweet. But to be honest with you, I'm.. so exhausted. I didn't sleep in like twenty four hours. I feel so gross. I might just take a shower for now and try to nap if that's alright?"
"Of course. Of course that's alright." He mumbles, definitely feels like an idiot with his stuttering answers.
Taylor, who has now successfully put off her shoes looks a bit insecure, too. How is it possible that two people who know each other inside and out interact with each other on the same level of awkwardness as two teenagers who just kissed for the first time. Without saying anything, Taylor makes her way past him and walks up the stairs, already calling for Eleanor. Joe can hear her enter the little girl's room, being surprised over how beautiful Eleanor's art is that she's made at school this past week. He then hears her explain to their daughter how exhausted she is and it gets a bit more quiet after a few minutes. Which is just when he can hear the water in the bathroom upstairs running.
Joe just remains standing there. He feels like an idiot. Has he really thought that she would come home, fall into his arms and the both of them would pretend like the past three years haven't happened? It's awkward for Taylor too, probably. Knowing that he's basically moved into her house without her asking for it. Him insisting on her letting him warm up some food she didn't even ask for. Joe clears his throat, slowly makes his way into the living room again, where is laptop is still open on the sofa. He wanted to get some work done. He should get some work done. He should stop the rollercoaster of thoughts on his mind.
_______________________
"Hey."
Joe turns his head to the left and can see Taylor stand in the doorway. Barefoot. Her Christmas pyjamas covering her body. Of course she had to change into these as soon as she got home. Joe sits up for a second, doesn't mind the tv light flickering in the room. Taylor's eyes are tiny as she stands there in the doorframe. No wonder. Her little nap turned into a solid six hours of sleep. In the meantime, he's been feeding Eleanor, bringing her to bed and now sits on her sofa watching TV while answering some emails he received over the weekend. He can't help but laugh at how Taylor seems to have completely lost her sense of time and orientation. In shock, she looks at the clock in her kitchen, then takes a few steps towards Joe.
"What just happened?" she mumbles in shock and makes Joe laugh, who then turns down the volume of the TV to sit upright. She just lets herself fall onto the sofa next to him. And she looks extremely exhausted. He can tell that right away.
"You needed some more sleep, I guess."
"Joe, it's... nine in the evening. I just slept through the entire afternoon. What on earth..."
He can't help but laugh at her. She's just rubbing her puffy eyes again. Her bangs are in all directions, which is a direct result of her not blow- drying her hair before going to bed. He remembers that struggle from back when they were falling asleep next to each other every night.
"You needed sleep. It's fine."
"Is Eleanor..."
"She had dinner, we read her book together. And she passed out about an hour ago."
Taylor nods, is in fact a bit sad that she didn't see her baby girl tonight. But she's glad Joe and her seem to have established their little routine now. She loves how much time Eleanor has been spending with her dad. It's been necessary.
"I'm glad." she says then, sighs and places a hand on her stomach. Joe just looks at her, a second too long. And he can tell that she feels his stare immediately.
"If you want, I can head off now. I just wanted to wait until you wake up and..."
"Where are you gonna go?" she interrupts him. No sign of being sorry about that. And Joe feels caught suddenly. Already feels himself blushing before he's even opened his mouth.
"What do you mean?"
"I mean.. didn't Naomi kick you out? So would you be going to your parents, or would you be renting a hotel just to make things less awkward?"
He can't help but start laughing. And so does she. Joe just buries his face in his hands, sighs slowly. He can't hide the fact anymore that he doesn't know what to say or how to act. He feels insecure around her suddenly. Something he's never felt before with her. Ever.
"I don't know, Tay. This is your house. You're back now. I've been sleeping in the guest room with Eleanor these past weeks but I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I'm happy to give you some time alone if you want."
Taylor watches him being so focused on his hands all of the sudden. His beard looks a bit longer than last time she saw him. His big hands busy picking on each other. She slowly gets up, casually falls onto the spot on the sofa next to him. Joe looks up to her, the nervousness coming back again. Taylor doesn't say anything, just uprights herself and signals him to hug her again. Joe feels how she presses her face into his neck within a matter of seconds. How her small hands have already made their way to his back, caressing him slowly over the fabric of his sweater. Joe feels shaky all of the sudden, enjoys the sudden proximity but is also struggling to understand what it means. What she's trying to tell him. Is this all in his head?
"Are you okay?" He whispers, and Taylor lets go off him. She just looks at him and nods.
"Yeah."
"Good."
None of the two move.
"Stay here, okay?" She says quietly and Joe nods. He won't argue with her on that.
"Okay, sure."
"Good." Taylor replies, a soft smile on her face. Joe doesn't know what else to say but all he knows is that he's struggling right now. He's struggling with how close Taylor is to him. He struggles seeing her make up free face, struggles to not have her here and now. She looks so much more fragile yet confident than she did years ago when he saw her for the first time. Less make up, less pretending. More rawness. More honesty. Life experience. Motherhood shaping her more than anything. She grew up a lot, too. He realizes that in this moment, with both his eyes facing the woman he once called his first real love.
"Do you want some dinner?" He asks then, would do anything to end the awkward silence once more. Taylor nods quickly, and he can tell how hungry she must be. Her hands were still on his shoulder. She now slowly let's go off him and wanders with her hand to her stomach. She is hungry, indeed. Joe slowly gets up and makes his way to the kitchen. Something is in the air. One second she looks at him, and he's convinced they're on the same page. But then again, what if they're not? What if she wants him to stay here because she feels bad for him that he doesn't have a new place yet. Is that what this hug was all about? What if she just feels responsible for him as the father of her daughter. After all, he's been taking care of her for a few weeks.
"I made this gnocchi pasta with tomatoes and basil. You won't believe I made this. But I found the recipe on instagram. And I thought... I can do this. So now there's cooked dinner by me in the fridge. Weird, huh." Joe jokes as he can hear steps from behind come towards him. It's been quite some time since he's been so nervous that he'd just start babbling non sense. A nice flashback to his early twenties.
"Looks great." she smiles, taking a look at the pasta that he's just transferred into the small pan. Taylor reaches for a glass in the cabinet, quietly pours in some water before jugging down the entire thing. Joe smiles at her while stirring the food. Someone was slightly dehydrated, it seems.
"You good?"
Taylor puts down the glass at him, breathes heavily.
"Yeah. Sorry, I'm really... exhausted."
Joe looks at her and nods. There is that awkward silence again. He doesn't understand how it's possible that they've been so intimate and open and trusting with each other on the phone these past weeks and now experience this awkwardness in the air. Every FaceTime interaction felt like it was 2017 again. But now, that she stands here in front of him in flesh and blood - it almost feels like there is this wall between them. Is it the fact that they're now back in reality? And what is this energy in the room. Is there a certain look he's deeply familiar with? How she threw herself in the hug with him? A certain way she would move her body or do a gesture that would always signal him what is happening. What she's in need of right now. Determining whether they would be engaging in primal sex within a matter of minutes or whether she just wants to be held, loved, kissed and cuddled. He used to be able to read her body language too well. And it's been a while since he's felt this vibe between them. Is this actually happening or does he hallucinate everything?
"Of course you are. It's been a tough few weeks." he says, tries to ignore whatever he feels in the air tonight.
Taylor nods, just watches him stir her food. There's so much she wants to ask him, so much she wants to say. So much she wants to understand better and talk about. But her body is telling her differently.
"It really has been." she says then, opens the fridge again and reaches for the half empty bottle of wine she just found. She doesn't know what she's doing but she does know in fact that she will need a glass of wine for it.
"Do you want one as well?" She asks Joe, who still holds onto the spoon in his hand as if his life was depending on it. She doesn't know if he feels the same way, but it's almost like there's this undeniable energy between them tonight, that aches her entire body. She doesn't know if she's just tired and exhausted, delirious. But it's there. She feels it. She feels it clearly.
"Joe?"
"Mhm?"
"I think we should have sex tonight."
Joe doesn't say anything, wonders if he's once more hallucinating, caught in his own dirty little fantasy. Or if the woman next to him, the mother of his child, wearing her ridiculous Christmas pyjamas, jugging down a glass of wine just asked him this. Joe keeps staring the gnocchis in the pan on the stove, doesn't even care in this moment that the heat is on way too high. So high, in fact, that the meal is already half burned. But he just keeps stirring.
"Uhm, did you just ask me if..."
"Yeah." She answers, taking a huge sip of her white wine once more. "I know it's so inappropriate. And it's again the same pattern of you and me not talking about important things and instead just... having sex. But then also, I've been thinking about doing this with you for quite some time now. And I don't know if it's just my body going through a certain phase or if it's me knowing that none of us are in a relationship right now and so theoretically there's nothing stopping us? But ever since I walked in tonight and you were sitting there with this sweater, I just.. I just felt this need to just ask you. And this is not supposed to be mindless fucking. I mean it can be if you want, but Joe you know exactly how much I've been missing you. And all I could think about on the plane today was.. how much I want to feel you again."
Joe has turned down the heat on the stove now, just stands there looking at her after she finished her little speech. He can't help but smirk. Relief visible in her face. A massive relief. And it does things to him. Many things.
"What's with this sweater?" He asks, pretending to look down on himself, not understanding what exactly about it, got her this time.
"It's working for me. Weirdly. Do you know how needy that makes me sound? A wool sweater covering everything about your body is doing it for me. That's the level of..."
"Will you just shut the fuck up." He suddenly whispers and Taylor feels her knees going weak.
Within a matter of seconds, his lips are on her lips, his hands are under her shirt and his torso is pressed against hers. So hard that she feels the kitchen counter in her back, almost causing her a stinging pain. He's more passionate than she could remember from the last time they did it, the kiss intensifying itself within seconds. Taylor is almost grasping for air, both of her hands just slowly making their way from his chest onto his head. He's passionate. Passionate but gentle. As always. After a few seconds of Joe intensifying their kiss, Taylor feels his hands become more impatient. He slowly makes his way down her neck, his face pressed into her hot skin as if every sensation is new. As if he hasn't touched that part of her body ever before. When in fact, he knows it oh so well.
Taylor can't help but grasp for air, slowly moans into his neck. Her language being more explicit than before, but that's what happens when your body is letting go. She can't believe how fast this has escalated. All she can think about is how much she just wants his body to be close to hers. It's been too long. It's just been too long. Yet can't believe that she just politely asked him to have sex with her. She can't believe that spending less than ten minutes with Joe in this house tonight has ended with her melting in his arms, body pressed against the kitchen counter, and his hand deep down in her panties already.
"We need to.. guest room. Eleanor. Lock." She whispers, and Joe slowly lets go. After the past few moments of adrenaline causing his hands and lips to just work their magic, Joe now slows down, takes the time to look at the flushed woman in front of him. His eyes wander from her eyes to her lips, and then back to her eyes again. He presses a kiss onto her lips once more. This time, as casual and slow as she did before when entering her home tonight. Joe then leans his forehead against hers. Taylor closes her eyes, appreciates his sudden gentleness.
"Lock?"
"We need to lock the room. I can't have her walk in on..."
Joe interrupts her with another kiss onto her lips. His entire body melting into hers. Taylor is reaching for the counter now, feels so dizzy that she might actually trip and fall. Joe has noticed her weird hand gesture and stops for a second, looks at her with a smirk.
"You okay?"
"Yeah just... really good."
He can't help but laugh at her, grabs her hand and pulls her across the living room, up the stairs and right into the guest room on the other side of the hallway where Eleanor is sleeping. As soon as the door is closed and locked, Taylor makes her way over to him again and continues kissing him passionately. Joe laughs into the kiss, making her stop for a second to look at him. She's confused. He can see that in her face through the dark.
"What?"
"It's been ten minutes of you and me together in the house. And Santa Claus here has already asked me for sex."
Taylor can't help but giggle against his lips.
"Joe, I.. I really..." she stops for a second, her lips still parted, her voice quiet. She wants to say something but it's not coming out. Joe still stares at her through the dark. He's waiting for her to finish speaking. He wants to give her all the time she needs.
"I really want to feel you. Please let me feel you." she whimpers, half whispered, half spoken. Joe knows that it's more than just sex. This is it. Intimacy. Trust. She can trust him. Always.
Joe places his lips on hers once more, his tongue working magic. It takes less than a few seconds and Joe starts unbuttoning the top of her pyjamas. He's fascinated himself how easily he can pop these, confidently rips her top off of her skin within seconds. With her bare chest pressed against him she now stumbles a few steps back, sits down in the edge of the bed behind her. Her eyes are not letting go off his.
"I want to feel you too." he whispers then, leaning down to kiss her face once more. He can feel Taylor get more impatient with every second passing by. After a few moments of unconscious kisses, he reaches with both his hands for her waist and helps her lay back on bed. She breathes heavily, as his fingers reach for her pants, getting rid of both pyjama pants and her thong within two seconds. Even before he's touched her, is when he can already feel her moaning breath. Joe crawls up to her, his arms landing right next to her head.
"Thank you." she whispers, making him laugh for a split second before he kisses her again. She's always been polite, has always been thanking him for sex even before it has happened. It's been a while since he's been having her in such a passionate way. Her breathing not even slowing down a little but. Her face not really relaxed at all, but instead, begging him for more. Every move he makes is observed by her, every touch noted and causing her to breath heavier, louder, more and more desperate. She keeps saying his name, both of her hands on his head, grabbing his hair a bit too tight over and over again.
YOU ARE READING
invisible string - jaylor oneshots
Fanfictionjust a bunch of silly oneshots because they are such sweethearts. send in requests - cover credits to pinterest !
