Entry 5:
December 4, 2020
It seems no matter what I do, embarrassment follows. I might sound like I'm being over dramatic, but this is serious!!!
It's been a while since I last wrote in my journal due to exam season. I've gotten so much closer to my new friends, but I'm struggling a bit too. It's been impossible to befriend Yang Jungwon.
When I think about the night of the sleepover a couple months ago, I get a bit sad. I honestly wish I could've become friends with Jungwon.
Yang Jungwon.
It seems he's everywhere now. It might just be because he's constantly on my mind. I don't even know why!! It's not like we're close. The only interactions we've had since that night is me constantly embarrassing myself...Just the other day I was mocking an ugly face Haerin had made while sitting at lunch with the girls, and he JUST SO HAPPENED to be walking up to our table with Sunoo. HE DIDN'T EVEN IGNORE ME. He COULD'VE just acted like I never made the face, but nooooo he had to judge me with all his might. AS IF I WASN'T EMBARRASSED ENOUGH.
I swear these journals need to be BURNED, my literal deepest secrets are in here. I would actually run away and change my identity if someone found out about the time I slept walked outside and went up to strangers asking where the nearest restroom was...EVEN THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME SHUDDER.
I'm ranting again.
It's just so frustrating trying to be friends with him. I've come so far this year, but he makes me feel like all the hard work I put into "coming out of my shell" was useless.
Is it bad that I feel this way? Am I allowed to be feeling like this, or is that selfish of me? I shouldn't expect that just because I've grown to being more extroverted this year, others will too.
Maybe he's not good at making friends. Maybe he lacks social skills. Maybe he's struggling with something and is too preoccupied.
Maybe he just doesn't like me. And although that should be okay with me, it isn't.
Usually, if someone doesn't like me, I just brush it off. It's only natural; I can't be everyone's best friend. But there's something about Jungwon that makes ME want to befriend HIM, and the thought of him disliking me puts me in a rotten mood right away.
There's something alluring about him.
It could be how he's always receiving good marks in class while being in student council, various other clubs, and the school soccer team.
It could be how he so rarely talks in class but seems to be the most outgoing person when he's with his friends.
It might be how he laughs at Sunoo's failed jokes when moments of silence pass.
I don't know what it is.
But I do know he peaks my interest like nothing before.
Published: September 24, 2023
Edited: —
Other Works:
special - nishimura riki
when i was your man - park sunghoon
farewell, neverland - tomorrow x together
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diary // yang jungwon
FanfictionChae-eun sees writing as a way of letting out her emotions without telling people her vulnerable truths. She's written in her diary daily since she was nine...until there was a bump in the road. Literally. Started: December 30, 2022 (May 4, 2022) Fi...
