ANOTHER UPPERMOON GC

BACK TO SCHOOL

BROOO soon we have to go back out to school and I'm so upset. Not because I want to be home for longer or cause I hate school or studying or something, but the fact I know I'm gonna disappoint my parents again like, for test, I got a c but I still got second place by like, two marks. But my mom and dad were still upset and disappointed, my whole class is actually doing horribly, and my grandmother is always like, "It's not like we beat you, or harm you, or bring you down. So why do you keep making bad marks?" And all I can say is I don't know. Because I know if I explain, they're gonna tell me that's not it. If your wondering what's so wrong with second place that me myself was disappointed was the fact that. Most people don't understand that we set goals and expectations for ourselves. And when we fail to reach those goals or expectations, its hard for us to hold ourselves. Not getting the "Perfect" grade, score, or placement, makes us feel like we know that we could do better. That we should've done better. It's failing ourselves. Like this is exactly how I felt, and then my mother was talking about this one girl who spoke chinese and how when she came back home after graduation she had so many medals, her tutor was talking to my mother about how much of a hard working girl she was and that when she didn't understand something she would stay up all night just to learn how to speak proper English to make her parents proud. And if she could do it and she came from a different country and didn't even know English meanwhile I was raised in this country and know English, What's my excuse?

I literally don't know.

I try and I try and I try and every time I fail and let my parents down. Can you guys relate to this. I don't know why I just started thinking this at random but I'm believing that I'm not okay. With all my cutting and suicidal thoughts getting to my head I think it might justbe driving me insane all I want to do is make my parents proud and I already know I won't ever be able to do that just because of my sexuality to begin with like, there is no way they would accept me if they call people from the LGBTQ+ community 'vodoo'or 'witch craft' im so fuckin pathetic. I'm crying over something that is my fault. Please don't comfort me or feel bad for me. I just needed to write these feelings out. This wasn't even supposed to be a damn vent and I'm so mad at myself and I just don't know what to do and I just wanna die and be tortured to the full amount or more than I'm supposed to I just feel like shit. I might keep this in my drafts goddamn it I shouldn't even be calling out the lord's name HE is probably disappointed in me. Any deceased family member I have is probably disappointed in me. And whenever my parents actually decide why not read my books THEY will be disappointed in me. Ya know, I had asked my mom if she would allow me to curse in my books and she immediately said no. But sometimes I wonder, why can't I just ya know. Be in a private room where I could just curse and let everything out. This is already getting to long so I'm ending it here.

I know I talk a lot about my mom being most of my problems but I do love her dearly and she loves me too. She had a worse childhood then I do because she was literally abused by her father. So please don't spread any kind of hate to her. Things happen for a reason so all this is probably happening for a reason.