ANOTHER UPPERMOON GC

Vent

Like I said in the last chapter, this is just something I need to get out and you guys don't need to comfort or console me in any way, these things have just been swarming in my head for years now and I just need to get them out.

Ever since I was 7 I always felt like such a disappointment to my parents, and now, I'm 11 and I still feel that way but now I'm slipping to the side of where killing myself might actually be an option I could consider, I considered it so much to the point I almost did it twice, the first time was the hanging method, it was a busy day, my parents were working outside along with my grandmother, I was alone in my room thinking, until the idea came into my head, 'im alone....I'm not doing anything......Im gonna do it.' I walked into the living room and grabbed a chair, at this time, the light bulb in my room wasn't working all to well and it had a string hanging from it to turn it on and off since I didn't have a light switch.

I grabbed another long piece of cloth and stood on the chair while tying it into a knot, I remember thinking, 'so....this is it? I'm just gonna put my head through and walk off the chair? I'm gonna die?' but for some DUMBASS reason I didn't do it, I thought about how selfish I was being, I was going to take my own life for my own desires and let my parents suffer the burden of taking care of me just for me to kill myself? I got off the chair and put it next to the desk in my room and when asked about why I tied another piece of cloth to the string I said I was bored and had nothing to do. At that time I was 9

Now the second attempt was with a Razer blade, I planned to cut myself so much that I would practically bleed to death, and I did so, I remembered seeing a pack of razor blades in my mom's room so I took one in secret and began cutting myself from time to time, eventually I was cleaning my room and I lost the blade, and I know I couldn't take another just in case my mother looked and saw that too many were missing so I just stayed with the small cuts that never left a print on my arms but they definitely left some on my thighs..... I was in the range of 9-10 when this occurred.

Recently i got a C in my test....again....and I really let my parents down, and earlier on today my grandmother was talking to me about how my mother never used to stay up on her phone but she used to stay up and read books, but I literally do the same, I may not read very educational books and I might watch a lot of crap on YouTube but does she ever wonder why I'm up at such times or how I'm up at such times? I don't think so cause she never asked, there were so many times I woke up at like 2am and I would walk into my kitchen and see a knife and think about stabbing myself, no one will hear me scream, their all asleep anyways.....but I could never bring myself to do it, and the reasons why I'm up at such a late hours watching crap on YouTube or reading on Wattpad is to stop myself from crying cuz I know I'm gonna think about moments like this and waterfalls of tears are gonna come out my eyes, my dog died last week and that has done a great total on my mental health, even though it has been a week and a few days I'm still crying and mourning him, everyone in my family is and my father was closeest to him and hes probably more sad and upset than me, but I'm a kid, his mental health might be a little stronger than mine, another thing to add, when my mother came home I was so happy to see her but then when she came and hugged me and whatever, she asked if I had washed the clothes, I thought she asked that cause it kinda smelt like soap cause me and my father had just finished washing the dishes but then she asked if he did but I said no, and then she said "well why didn't you wash them?" I didn't know I was supposed to wash clothes today is what I told her but then she told me "it's not about not knowing, it's about what you see, you saw it had a minimum amount of clothes, why didn't you wash them?" Normally we wash clothes on a weekend, but all of our clothes got washed by ME and my grandmother last week, they couldn't thank me for that? No it's ok it's my fault I should have been a more responsible child and washed the clothes to make it less of a burden for them, I'm sorry that I had a small amount of clothes so I thought I could just wash this weekend, not to add but our washing machine in broken so we use our cousins washing machine who live close to us, IT WAS WET OUTSIDE, it would have been hard to constantly be going back and forth while it was wet outside, perks to my grandmother who normally goes outside and does work but I don't think she did today, and even though it was wet, if you wanted me to wash clothes you have my number, you could have called and said something and I would have told my grandmother and we would have done it.

At this point I already know I'm a good for nothing, useless piece of crap who doesn't deserve love and affection and whatever I do wrong is entirely my fault and I should just curl up in a ball and die and I don't deserve all the love and affection and hard work and money that has been spent on me during the years, all my parents deserve is a loving, caring, smart, A+ student, hardworking child instead of well me who is the absolute opposite.

I had more to put but I think that's enough for now, wow 1107 words that's quite the lot anyways if you did read this bye👍😀