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5

5

[Lee Saeyan]
9th Mar 2023

           Fourteen days. 14 days since I last saw you, when you left me with a galling notion, the one which itched my brain in all the wrong ways. I thought about it. How you said you didn't want my life to be unfair on me. Why do you care? I don't care about my life myself. If it's unfair on me, I'll let it be. I'm past the point of living cautiously. If anything, I've become too careless and devoid of any responsibility.

          Reckless I was, I dropped out of college, gave up on making a career. You don't know that about me, you don't know many things about me. This place, where the cafe is, belonged to my father. I told him I wanted to open a cafe on this street, right by the intersection and opposite to the city park. My cafe thrived for years, and it still does; I've long forgotten about my decision of dropping out of college. You visit my cafe without having any knowledge of it—you don't even know my name. But I do know yours.

          Jeong Yunho, you're a conundrum for me, an enigma which stays under the pretence of being happy. Your fake smiles have cracks in them, your eyes veil endless spaces of darkness and your mind, you've given up on life. Yet, I wonder what you write. Your debut novel, I would love to read it. Because you have a way of perceiving this world, it is uniquely catered to you. I wonder how you perceive me.

          Wooyoung was talking about his insomnia, and his recurring nightmare. He blabbered on about, while I tried my best to ignore it. At the end of every day, when the ambiguous night dawns over, I take a gander at the street and then at the road. I liked to watch people walking, stumbling in their feet as they dragged themselves back home. As I did today. It was already past our closing time; everything was cleaned and tidied, preparations were already made for tomorrow. When I peeped at the street, I saw a glimpse of you impatiently checking the time on your wristwatch. I wonder why you were standing there, tapping your feet to the rhythm of your irked mind. Me and Wooyoung walked out of the door, listening to the melody of the bell by the entrance.

           I stayed back to lock the cafe behind me, while Wooyoung moved on ahead. He smiled at you, and you exchanged small yet heartfelt greetings; when he trudged along the street, leaving you alone, you stepped close to me. Nervously, you picked at the stray strands of your peachy hair, falling over your forehead. You then scratched the nape of your neck, lips trembling to speak. With the moon over our heads, and your eyes silently speaking of your intentions, I fathomed the possibility of you asking me out, maybe. Maybe.

          You were right, clinging onto false hope is certainly heartbreaking. Seconds ticked louder in my mind, and my heart raced. I was waiting for you to say something and then you did. You took a deep breath and spelt out the words stinging on your tongue.

       "Can I walk you home?"

        I thought it was weird at first. Why would you wait for me to get off my shift and ask whether I wanted to be walked to my home or not? But I shrugged it off, just as I did with my other concerns. I let you walk me home. It came to my attention that we shared the same route to our apartments, and then you went on to say where exactly you stayed; a block away from me.

       We talked about vague topics on our route. You asked me what my favourite cupcake flavour was. And I lied, saying it was cinnamon toast. We kept asking each other various questions, I got answers to all of mine and you to yours. I asked you a lot, from your favourite movie, to your favourite season. I realised you talked a lot. You liked talking a lot if you had someone to listen to you. I didn't mind it. I would listen to you forever if I could.

      You asked me my name. And I told it you. "Lee Saeyan" whilst trying to prevent myself from blushing too much.

      "Unique name," said you, who were staring up at the stars, "it means new and white. As much like the moon."

     "There's nothing new about the moon." I rolled my eyes, pressing down a scoff.

     "Oh, there is," you wanted to prove your point, "every phase of moon is new. You look up to the sky, you come across the same old phases, but are your wishes the same every day?"

     I quietly shook my head, and you carried on, "your wishes are new and they should be new."

     We walked in silence after that, under the doting moonlight. It didn't last long, however. You ached to speak, you ached to escape the silence between, because I did too. I wanted you to talk, keep talking. Between our synchronised footsteps and the hefty sound of our boots, you asked me something.

    "Do you have a boyfriend?"

    Maybe, it wasn't a false hope after all.

     "No." I spoke. I didn't tell you the whole truth; about my ex and how he was back in town, asking me if there ever was a chance to us getting back together.

     You believed me. Didn't pester me any further. I thought you'd press the question onto me, ask me if I was free tomorrow night, tell me you have a dinner reservation at some fancy restaurant. But you didn't and I knew why: you were waiting for the coffee to get cold.