I DON'T CARE !!chris sturniolo

19

My eyes opened, the eerie silence of the empty dark that comes out at night ringing through my ears.
I was wide awake when I sat up, just a couple seconds after having woken up.
My eyes darted over to the sleeping chris. The only sound- Chris' light snoring. Not the annoying, lousy kind, the kind you could only hear in complete and utter silence. Soft and manageable.
I laid my head back onto the pillow and closed my eyes. After a few minutes of not sleeping with my eyes shut I snuggled my arms underneath the pillow and positioned my body to lay on my stomach.

5 minutes.

10 minutes.

15 minutes.

20 minutes.
24 minutes.

30 minutes.

40 minutes.
1 hour.

1 hour and 20 minutes.

1 hour and 36 minutes.

1 hour and 57 minutes.

2 hours and 8 minutes.

I opened my eyes yet again, annoyance practically radiating off of my body. I threw the thick hotel blanket off myself and stood up, walking to my backpack.
My fingers met at the action of holding the zippers and spread apart, going down the hill of the backpack.
I reached in and pulled out a pack of cigarettes along with a bright red lighter.

I walked over to the window and separated the blinds covering it. I then opened the window wide, I sat down with my back against it to hold it in it's position.
I put the cigarette in my mouth and lit it, the smoke caught between my teeth and getting pushed down the gates of my throat as I softly hissed while inhaling it into my lungs.
The smoke escaped my mouth after a few seconds. My middle and index finger brought it back up to my mouth. My lips wrapped around the edge of the cigarette, sucking in the smoke. As I pulled the cigarette away the smoke got pushed down into my lungs again.

The cycle repeated over and over. When I had smoked half the cigarette, I heard the bed ruffle along with a raspy male voice behind me. "You smoking?" Chris spoke sleepily, getting out the bed and walking over to me. His speaking made me turn my head to look at him, "Yeah." I responded plainly, continuing my cycle of inhaling and exhaling a bitter smoke which held a weird comfort.
"Why aren't you sleeping?" He asked, sitting down on the other side of the window sill, facing me.
"I tried." I sighed out the smoke from my mouth. "I woke up and then I couldn't fall back asleep." Looking over to Chris it was obvious he wasn't impressed nor satisfied with my answer.
"And you're smoking to fix that?" He continued, sounding as if I was dumb for smoking.
"I'm not doing it to help me fall asleep." I said with a slightly mocking expression.
"Then why are you doing it?" Chris continued asking, this time sounding genuinely interested.

"Cause I don't know what to do." I admitted, his eyes softening with pity. "Maybe watching a movie will help. Background noise." He suggested.
"Yeah." I huffed, taking the last puff and finishing off the entire cigarette, pressing it down onto the stool of the window. "What movie you wanna watch?" I asked, getting off the window sill and closing the window.
"I don't know," Chris shrugged, "You pick."
"Alright, let's watch the animated Addams family. That's on Netflix, right?" I inquired, grabbing hold of the remote as I sat down on the bed.
"Do hotels even have Netflix?" He thought logically. "Hmm..." I skimmed through the various tv buttons before reaching Netflix. I quickly made an account.

The sheets ruffled in the silence as Chris laid down next to me, the sound of button clicking as I typed it the movie of choice.
"The animated Addams family isn't on Netflix?!" I yelled out in disbelief before groaning and clicking on The Croods: A New Age. (true story. fuck u, netflix.)

I let out a deep breath, putting the remote next to me and laying down by Chris. I shut my eyes in an attempt to sleep.
The movie went on and on, seemingly never ending. I didn't know if Chris was asleep by now but judging by his breathing, he was very much awake.
And so was I.

Agitation rang through my body half way through the movie, still wide awake.
I opened my eyes again and sat up, leaning against the bed frame with my arms crossed, looking directly at the TV. "Still not sleeping?" Spoke Chris.
I sighed in response, looking over to him with my brows furrowed into a pathetic puppy dog expression. I looked away and shut my eyes roughly, holding my face in my hands for a second before going back to my original position. As I stared at the ceiling I could feel Chris staring at me.
Feeling an uncomfortable annoyance rushing through my veins, I avoid his piercing blue eyes.
I hate it when people stare at me. I don't like being acknowledged, I hate it when people look at me. There's nothing to see. I don't like looking at myself, I hate everything about me down to the smallest details of my personality, the microscopic blood cells passing me by. I don't like how I look, I don't like how I act, I don't like who I am despite being lacking the knowledge of who I am.

-
I can't make out what Clo feels like, ever.
I just stare at her endlessly in confusion, in admiration, in affection and attention, in sadness and pity. It's like she feels so much to the point that she's an empty vessel of physical touch.
"You want a hug?" I asked softly, making her turn to look at me. Nothing but everything behind her tired pain filled eyes. "Yeah." She breathed out, leaning her body closer to mine as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders. Clo laid her head on my chest, a heavy breath escaping her mouth- sounding almost of relief.

I like holding her. Her hands are freezing cold but the rest of her body is filled with endless Sahara warmth.
The feeling of her hugging me, the feeling of her touch, it's something I've been looking for, for as long as I can remember. I just didn't know what it was. For the first time, I don't wanna run. I wanna stay.

My hand played with her pitch black coloured hair. I know I'll wanna run eventually. I'm fine with how it is now, eventually I'll feel trapped. Like a dog in a cage. I'm aware. I don't wanna hurt her. I really don't. I'm all the things she doesn't deserve, all the bad things that she doesn't deserve. Maybe I should break it off before it gets serious. It's better to be mean before someone loves you so they don't get a chance to, because it'll hurt more. It'd be selfish of me to be so nice. It's selfish of her to be so her. Self centred, a little. She has red flags, right? Well, I wouldn't call her self centred but there's something bad about her.

.
.
.
.
.

What's bad about her?

I shut my eyes and breathe out through my nose aggressively. I don't want her hugging me. I wanna be distracted from her, from the future of might, from the present of is.
I hug her tighter, my thoughts torturing my entire body from the bottom of my toes to the top of my scalp. I don't know what to do.