I DON'T CARE !!chris sturniolo

18

We had spent the entire day walking around the endless streets of New York, gawking at tall and beautiful buildings, laughing away every little and big worry of living and talking about anything we wanted.

At this point it was 11:34 at night. We were sat on a bench on the roof of our hotel building, the cold night breeze brushing through my hair as I admired the dark blue sky.
I took a the last sip of my pepsi and put down the can next to the bench. Clo sat next to me, her feet comfortably on the bench as she finished eating a plain cupcake. "Ya know, people are more honest and truthful at night." She spoke calmly, also admiring the view. "I get really sad at night." I confessed which made her turn to look at me. We made eye contact as Clo asked me, "You sad?" Her eyes were droopy, the dark shadows of the night surrounding and detailing her face. Her hair was tucked in behind her ears although the wind still managed to aggressively play with it, strands being shoved into her face, some of them blowing up and down playfully.

I thought about it for a moment, looking at her. I think I'm sad. I'm sad a lot. I'm always sad. But, it feels a little better with her. I'm sad but it's okay. Then again, it's not okay. It's like the feeling of pain killers for an open wound, it feels better but being aware that it's still there, it still hurts. I'm happy I met her. I'm happy I know her. I'm sad with the happiness of being with her.
"A little." I shrugged.
"You always a little sad?"
"I think."
"Is that ok?"
I paused before replying, "...I think."

A small, gentle smile spread across her face. It was so comforting to me. And the more I felt the comfort, the more I wished I didn't. These aren't 'friends' feelings no matter how much I want them to be. She looked at me for one more moment before turning back to the view in front but I don't look away. I feel myself get lost in thought of the admiration of her. "You don't have to accept sadness."
"What?"
"You don't have to accept sadness."

Sometimes I try to convince myself that love isn't real, that I don't believe in it.
And I hate to say that deep down I know I'm lying to myself.
I wish I didn't believe in stuff like soulmates, stuff like true love. I don't want it. I don't. I so badly don't.
It scares me, I feel horrified. There's something so scary about loving somebody. To love is to need, to love is to depend, to love is to get hurt and to love is to be dumb.

"Come on, let's go back inside." Clo speaks after a few minutes, snapping me out of my trance. She stands up and grabs me softly by my hand. I stand up with her, her hand slides down to my fingertips- she holds on firmly but softly, leading me behind her.

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"I'm gonna go take a shower." I stated lazily. "Mhm. I'm gonna go to sleep." Clo responded as she took off her shoes and coat.
I grabbed a comfy change of clothes and walked into the bathroom.

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I walked out to be met with the sight of a sleeping Clo.
I brushed back the wet hair from my forehead upwards with my hand, putting my old clothes, now folded, into the small hotel closet.
I carefully got underneath the thick and nicely cold blanket, eyeing Clo to make sure I don't wake her up.
I grabbed my phone and finally checked me and my brothers groupchat.

I clicked on Nick's voice note.

"So I edited some not too old videos for the Fridays, but we missed a few Wednesday videos. People are like freaking out over it and kind of making up assumptions and theories. But, everything is good thus far. We're trying our best with the content, the easiest is like...the pod cause we just bring different people on it but everyone is questioning why you aren't in them.
Oh my god, I read this fucking comment where someone said you decided to quit youtube?? And another person said that we weren't getting along and we must've gotten into a fight. People are so annoying with their stupid fuckin' ...just, jumping to conclusions.
But yeah, everything is okay and I hope you're okay and I can't wait to have you back home. I miss you, text me or call me when you hear this. Bye, love you."

I felt relief hearing Nick's voice. I miss my brothers in a way I can't describe. It's not overwhelming or debilitating but that doesn't mean it's not a strong feeling.

I read through the texts I had missed, chuckling at a few once in a while.
I then clicked on the little microphone on the right bottom corner of my keyboard.

"Hey. Uh, I'm doing good." I start, my voice droopy and lazy, "I'm actually having a lot of fun, I'm just really tired tonight, I've been walking around New York all day.
I'm sorry for putting so much stress on you with youtube, but I'll be back soon enough and hopefully everything will be back to normal in no time. Yeah...I miss you guys so bad. This is legit the first time we've been apart for this long, it feels so strange.
But imma go to sleep so good night. Love y'all."

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