Life After You And Me

Whispers of Sorrow

I sit on the edge of the bed hugging my phone close to my chest. My heart feels heavy - burdened by a longing that's plagued me for years.

You know that saying, 'It gets easier with time'? - well... it doesn't.

I've waited for the healing to start and for the forgetting to follow suit, but every day is as painful and heartbreaking as yesterday.

My fingers tremble as I unlock my phone and scroll through my contacts. My eyes stay fixated on the name.

Memories of laughter and tears flood my mind.

I take a few deep breaths to convince my heart somehow that everything will be okay before I press the call button.

I then hold my breath, hoping they don't answer the phone because I don't know what I'll say. I'd been practicing the words in my mind for an eternity but nothing could've prepared me for this moment.

'What will I say?'
'What if they hang up on me?'
'What if they don't and I actually have to speak to them?'

I don't know what's worse.

The phone finally rings and the sound echoes in the small bedroom of an apartment I can barely afford.

Each ring feels like an eternity, amplifying the ache in my heart. But then, the call abruptly ends, causing my heart to sink.

Voicemail - I guess now I know what would hurt the most.

My eyes well up with tears while a knot forms in my throat.

In a strange way, reaching the voicemail feels a little like a relief. It means that there's still a connection, however faint, between us. It means that the number is still active... that they haven't changed it. It means that I'm not blocked from their phone.

I take a moment to compose myself as the automated voice message sings loudly in my ear, "Please leave your message at the tone."

Surely this is my chance, right? I get to say something without hearing what they have to say back. I don't have to worry about their response... not right now at least.

But why don't the words just come out? Why won't my heart stop its erratic beating?

A beep suddenly bursts loudly through the speaker, letting me know that my time is up.

I'm forced to sit up on my bed and grapple with the reality that, once again, I failed to say what was on my mind - a flaw that has caused me a great deal.

I finally put my phone down, but just as the tears threaten to spill from my eyes, I hear,

"Gewd moming, mommy."

My heart immediately starts healing itself and a bright smile suddenly forms on my face.

That's all it ever takes; Zoe's existence.

"Are you ready to conquer the last day of the week?"
I ask her but I indirectly ask myself too.

This whole week has come from hell but I need to put a stop to that.