Life After You And Me

Catch-22

My eyes unwillingly pop open as my head throbs with a gruesome headache. Confusion engulfs me as I frantically scan the unfamiliar surroundings, desperately trying to piece together the puzzle of my current situation. Where am I? How did I end up here?

Fragments of memories from the night before begin to resurface, like scattered puzzle pieces slowly finding their place.

I got drunk, again, only this time I wasn't alone.

The haze of alcohol clouds my recollection of the events that unfolded. The taste of those drinks lingers on my tongue, a bitter reminder of my reckless indulgence. Did I really drink that much in front of my colleagues?

 It's one thing to get drunk all alone at home but to do it near the people you work with is surely unacceptable. I was out of control and now everyone has officially seen me at my least pleasant.

I don't know how I am when I'm drunk but I know it's not a great sight.

My drinking is a form of escape. If I do it too much it's because I need to feel extra numb, to disconnect for a bit. But even that doesn't excuse the inappropriate level of consumption in public. There should be boundaries.

It was ok to drink but I should've stopped myself when I felt a little over tipsy. I knew I had an audience.

Perhaps this happened so I could finally expose and condemn my apparent drinking problem. My biggest fear is my daughter seeing me in that state... all feeble and helpless. What if she needed me and I couldn't be there because I was drunk again?

Did my marriage end because of my drinking problem? I know that definitely contributed.

I made a complete fool of myself in front of my boss last night, and as if that wasn't enough, I proceeded to pretty much beg him to take me home with.

What is wrong with me?

I release endless grunts like they'll somehow erase my embarrassment.

I should quit drinking, I know I should - but if I do, how do I survive the darkness? How do I show up on the following day unscathed? How do I look at my daughter and convince her that all is going to be alright when I don't even know that?

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. It feels like it should be easy but it's not.

After an eternity of berating myself with guilt and shame, I finally peel my meat body off the comfortable bed to leave the room that has partly sheltered me from my current reality - I'm in my boss's house the morning after making a complete fool of myself.

I don't remember everyone's facial expressions but I can assume they weren't impressed.

All I know is I can't hide in here forever even if I tried.

I take very small steps after opening the door, careful not to make any inviting sounds. If I can somehow leave without being noticed, that would be phenomenal.

I'll answer to my actions on my next shift, which happens to be tomorrow... unfortunately for me.

I manage to walk past the long corridor without getting an audience, and when I finally make it to the living room, I can't help but release a slight smile.