safeword

thirteen

You thought that everything would make sense once you finally read the results, but they were negative.

The pregnancy test was negative.

It takes a few moments for it to sink in as the faint red lines stare back at you, but you can't deny the truth, and you don't have time to take another test. In fact, you were running late.

"Hey."

Two knocks on the bathroom door make you look up, hand flying to your face to wipe gathering tears. You didn't even know you were crying.

"Come on, we're going to be late."

Touya's voice is soft and close to the door, and knowing you'd be met with his cold blue eyes as soon as you opened it made your stomach drop. He didn't know about the test, and he didn't know about the suspicion you had in the first place. Your plan wasn't to tell him unless the test turned out positive, so now you didn't have to worry about it, though the guilt was already suffocating you.

Quickly, you take the test in your hand, tossing it in the trash as you walk out of the room. You meet Touya on the other side with a fake grin, remnants of tears still coating your cheeks. He doesn't notice, or he doesn't mention it, because he smiles so wide when he sees you, that you can't help but smile back.

Today has been a day you've been dreading for a few weeks, now. Keigo would officially announce his retirement on a live news broadcast across the nation, and if you didn't already feel sick, it'd bring a nauseous creep up your spine. This entire week, he'd been on the phone in long PR meetings, or even in the city. He was beside himself with worry, you could see that, and it was contagious. Still, you couldn't shake the feeling - every day you'd been sick with headaches, nausea, and anxiety, and if pregnancy didn't write it off, it had to have been stress.

Touya keeps his eyes lingering on your face as you push past him into the bedroom, eyebrows furrowed in worry. He swore to himself that he saw the glint of residual tears in your eyes, but didn't know if it was shaky ground to walk on. So, he tiptoes.

"How are you feeling today?"

"Just want it to be over with." You respond, wiping at your nose with the back of your hand. It was early into the onslaught of winter, so you wrapped yourself in a light jacket, using the fabric to pull close to your body. You might not have been pregnant, but you felt oddly aware of yourself and your body. Especially standing in front of Touya who knew it like the back of his hand.

"The car is out front, we're just waiting on you." he's still tiptoeing, though he wants to reach out and touch you. Kiss you, even. All you've given him all morning was an indirect kiss from your coffee cup, since he refused to make his own. "No cameras, either. Security has the place swept."

You don't respond to him yet, moving about the bedroom to gather a few of the things you'd need for the day. Touya focuses on every one of your footsteps. That is, until he grows impatient.

"Keigo should be outside already."

"Don't rush me." You snap, grabbing your bag to push over your shoulder.

"Well, if you would move with some goddamn urgency-

You're out of the bedroom door before he can continue and before you turn this into a fight. The tears on your face are gone, but you still run your hands over it, forcing any discoloration or sadness from the slate. You're sure you will cry later. It's only a matter of time.

For now, you push it all to the side and focus on not stepping on your own feet as you head to the front door. From the high-rise windows, you can look down straight to the street, and straight down to where Keigo's stepping into a tinted-out van. His phone is pressed to his ear - he looks worried. You blink away, then you feel Touya's hand over your back. You must have disassociated long enough for him to get close enough to touch you - either way, the lingering touch doesn't go unnoticed.