safeword

eighteen

Your leg hasn't stopped shaking since you sat down at your table for two alone. It was mid-morning, and on the third floor of a business building, you sat at a round table tucked towards the back of the dining room. Waiting. It's been fifteen minutes.

You lie and tell yourself that you aren't nervous, but you are. You should've taken notes - should've recorded Touya and Keigo's voice in your phone so you could show it when needed. However, you're here alone, with no proof behind you but your words.

Two more minutes pass and you're at the bottom of your water - you order a coffee.

"Missed my train stop." Lucy slides into the side of the chair, slinging her bag along the back. Her small voice is tired, yet professional in the way she always keeps it groomed. At attention, you're all nervous smiles, nodding before she can speak, and standing up to greet her. "Please. Sit."

"Lucy." You place both your hands on the table, reaching forward to grab one of hers. You two have been in close contact since she started seeing Touya about a year ago, and these shared meals aren't anything abnormal. "I'm sorry to bring you so far out of the way."

"No, not at all." She shakes her head, gathering some of her shoulder-length brown hair under her jacket to pull free. "I only stayed in Tokyo last night for a seminar. I have back-to-back sessions all day, so you're perfectly convenient,"

"I wish you told me, we could've met in Tokyo." Your voice fades when a few drinks are set on the table at Lucy's entrance. You smile, wait for the server to walk away, then continue. "Did Touya tell you anything at all in his past session that... worried you?"

Lucy shakes her head slowly, giving you an odd look. "I am not at liberty to say. Why? You don't think he's suicidal, do you?"

"No, I..." You stop, looking down at the polished table. It doesn't feel like a lie when you shake your head, but Lucy is skeptical. You can read it all over her demeanor. "I don't think he'd hurt himself, but I also don't think he'd fight to save his life if it was endangered."

"If I had any reason to believe he is a danger to himself, I would have notified you." Though she tries to reassure you, you're still nervous. So much so, that your hands shake as you bring your coffee to your lips. "I am sorry you're so worried. Is there anything I can do for you?"

After a scalding sip, you're left with numb lips and a throbbing heart. Lucy's solemn gaze felt like dirt being thrown over your coffin. When the server returns, you're hardly able to focus on eye contact and placing your mug back on the table without spilling.

"Uh, whatever you'd like - it's on me."

"Oh, you're kind. In that case..." Lucy goes about ordering, her words fading to static in your mind. You're curious - how she does it. All day she must hear tortuous tales of abuse and pain, but she doesn't carry it with her. She's the freest person you think you've ever seen.

Touya blinks water out of his eye, lifting a hand to wipe at his left.

Against the wet shower wall, he leans forward, arm holding him up. For what felt like hours, he's been trying to think - to remember. It's only when you're gone that he gets this peace.

There isn't much to remember about his past - about who he was and is. There are times in his mind that feel like a stranger's life. The close touch of a mother, a childlike lust for what was unknown. Then he remembers Kegio somewhere amongst the emptiness. His sneakers were white - stained and unmaintained. As a child Touya noticed. He brought it up to the young blonde once, too.