It's been two weeks of bliss with my girls. Today though, I'm having my first session with a therapist. Miley has transitioned well into school. She's on full days which surprised the fuck out of me. I thought it would take her longer.
I've been contemplating my relationship with Riley. As much as it's whole heartedly what I want, is it worth the risk? "Flynn Archer?"
I look up to see a middle aged woman. She's wearing glasses and pinned back, black hair. She's in a pant suit. I stand and follow her into her office. "Take a seat where you feel comfortable."
I look around the office and there's a couple of single chairs and a couch. I take a seat on the couch and she takes a seat in one of the single chairs after she grabs a notebook and pen.
I researched the best therapist in the area. This seemed like the best fit for me. "So, what brings you here, Flynn?"
"I have anger issues. I've tried therapy before but it didn't work. Whether it was because I didn't want to change I don't know but I need help." She nods taking in the information.
"What made you change your mind?"
"My girlfriend. I'm worried that I may lash out and hurt her again. Or worse. She's adopted my sister and I fear that I may hurt them."
"Was it accidental or did she push your buttons?" I frown, does she think I'm like James?
"What? No. I get consumed by my rage, I see red. She tried to stop me hurting someone. I didn't realise I hurt her until I calmed down."
"It's it an isolated issue or ongoing?"
"I hurt my ex badly. I broke her jaw, I felt sick to the core. I left her in hospital, I couldn't handle seeing her like that. I've only hurt my girlfriend the once. I broke up with her after that. I just didn't think it was worth the risk. She just keeps drawing me back. She's the one, my Angel.
"I've started getting these thoughts that I should call it off. She'd be safe. At least until I get some help."
"Do you know your triggers? We need to find the cause of your rage but that can't be done in one session." I sigh, yeah I know. I've been through this before. "I think that only you know what's right. I can't tell you what to do, only guide you and give you coping mechanisms."
"My anger these days stems around my girl. I'm overprotective of her, I'm jealous, I'm possessive. I mean, she challenges me and frustrates the hell out of me most of the time but when we're alone together, I'm fine.
"It's other guys around her that set me off. My girl has gone through so much and I want to shield her from everything, even herself."
"It doesn't sound healthy, Flynn. It's good that you recognise your triggers but if she's been though a lot she doesn't need you consumed by rage. She needs you stable, dependable, safe."
"I've never loved anyone before her. She's all I think about, all I see. I need to be protective of her. She's been involved with some arseholes. She can't handle touch unless it's with me.
"I heal her, if I leave, it will destroy her. It's me or no one for her. Yet, I'd rather her destroyed than dead."
"You need to heal yourself, Flynn. How can you expect someone to love fragments of you? You aren't whole right now. You need to learn to control your rage and heal before you get involved with someone. What's the root of the rage?"
"My parents died four years ago in a car accident. I don't think it all stemmed from there. It wasn't a happy home. My mother wasn't a natural parent. She was strict but fair.
"My Dad would leave for days at a time. The house was quiet even with us all in it. I feel out of control, like I can't live my life the way I want it.
"I get frustrated easily. My sister is all kinds of messed up and I don't think it's just from losing my parents either. She's been in care but she was always having meltdowns as toddler."
"You like to be in control. That's understandable, quite a lot of people do. It's normal if done in a healthy way."
"My whole life I've been detached from everything. I used sex for control. I liked to be a dominant. It was the one thing I could control. With my girlfriend it's different. I let her take control but it's out of my comfort zone."
"You trust her, you love her. What does she think about your rage?"
"She accepts it, she likes that I'm protective. She feels safe, she thinks the idea of me leaving because of it, is ludicrous. But she doesn't value her own life. I still remember the words she said to me in the beginning. I'm only thankful for mortality."
"Is she receiving therapy? That's classic depression, right there."
"No, she's not interested. I've seen her nearly drown. I've seen her drink until she got alcohol poisoning. I saw her drink whilst she got her heart disease results. I've seen her raped, I've seen her bruises from an abusive relationship. My anger is me feeling useless and anxiety that I could lose her."
"She needs help, Flynn. As do you. You're her clutch, she can't heal if she has you covering the scars. You may love her but she's vulnerable right now. Your primary thought is her and not yourself.
"Maybe when you've both healed it could work but you're both clutching each other to patch up scars. Like I said, I'm not here to tell you what to do but help guide you. If you didn't think it was right you wouldn't have brought it up or come to me for help."
"I feel lost without her, it doesn't make any sense when we're apart. It nearly killed me when I called it off last time. I drink to numb the pain."
"It's not going to be easy, Flynn. You need to heal and find your true self before you can build a life with someone. It's not fair on either of you. I'd strongly recommend you guide her towards therapy herself."
I laugh, "Yeah, there's no making my girl do anything if it's not what she wants. She's a very private person. She tells all her feelings to her diary and it's dark."
"I think you'd both benefit from therapy. Just suggest it and if you ever need I also do couples therapy." I nod, yeah that could be good. "Times up I'm afraid. I'd like to see you again in a week. We will go through some coping mechanisms. Try writing your thoughts down when you feel your rage coming on it the mean time."
I'm no good at writing. I just about scrape by with my assignments. Riley's diary though? She captivates me with every word. She could be an author if she wanted. The way she phrases things and the way it flows.
I nod as I stand. I thank her and head to reception. I had to go private this time, I thought if I'm going to do it then do it now. "That will be 150 dollars."
Fuck my life. This is some expensive shit. I look at my two cards, my own and the one Hayden and Abigail gave me. As much as I hate to do it, they will probably be over the moon to pay for this.
I pay and arrange another appointment. I get my phone out and I have a couple of texts.
RILEY- Jax asked me to work. Are you able to watch Miley tonight please? X
Yeah as much as I'd like a quiet night in with my girls I need time to think.
ME- Yeah no worries. X
TYLER- Ruby said Riley is in the cafe again. Why do you think she goes there every morning?
ME- Fuck knows but I don't like it.
TYLER- That's because you're a protective fucker.
ME- And?
I say and but it's not healthy as my therapist Sandra Gilbert pointed out. It's not normal to be this protective. I head to my classes for the day and meet Tyler at lunch.
"My sister was scary as fuck this morning dude." That doesn't surprise me. "She wanted to know what I was doing about Ruby's Dad."
"Is there anything you can do? He's an arsehole but he's not a huge threat, is he?"
"I said she can move in with me but she says it's too soon. He controls everything, man. Barely pays her, pays her rent, won't let her go to uni even though she hates working at the cafe."
I shout lunch today but use the credit card they gave me. Look at me using the credit card twice today. "Why won't she get out of there?"
"Fuck if I know, Bro. I don't how else to help her. Yeah, it's soon to move in together but when you know you know, right?" I laugh, yeah I know what he means.
"Still got blue ball?" I raise my eyebrow.
"Fuck, don't remind me. I literally have to keep wanking in the shower. I respect her decision but I've never gone this long without sex."
"Those days were not cool. I feel for you. Are you sure there's nothing else going on? I mean, normally girls don't wait this long."
He shrugs, "I've told her she can talk to me about anything but she doesn't. I don't know what more I can do. I have limited time with her anyway, she's always working."
Our food arrives and I tuck in. I wonder what Ruby's problem is. "Maybe she's just not that into you," I joke.
He shoves me and I laugh. "Fuck off, she's in to me. I've never felt this connection with anyone else."
"Is she a virgin?" His eyes widen and he stops his fork mid air.
"Fuck, I've never considered that before. Surely not, she's to die for hot. There's just no way." I shrug, it's not impossible. Some girls like to be sure they are the one.
"Maybe she doesn't believe in sex before marriage," I counter. Tyler puts his fork down as if he's gone off his food.
"Stop," he groans. "I don't know how much more I can take. She makes me hard with just her looks and I have to awkwardly hide it."
"Eh, I've stopped hiding mine, Bro. I didn't really hide it in the first place. She knew I was hard but didn't care." He groans louder and scrubs his hands down his face.
I feel for him, I do but this is funny as fuck. He laughed at me about my misfortunes now it's my turn to take the piss. He picks up his fork again and angrily stabs the steak. "Stop talking."
I do and concentrate on eating. We go to our lectures and I head home. I meet Tyler at the door. Looks like he was just going in too. "Scrounging for food again?"
"Fuck yeah. The kid is good for something, she requires regular feeding like me." I laugh and let myself in. Riley gives us a drop dead smile. Fuck, she disarms me in every way.
"Flynn could you help Miley out the bath please?" I chuck my keys on the table and do just that.
I walk into the bathroom and Miley turns her head. "Flynn! I had a test today and my teacher said that I got the best score in the class."
"Amazing, well done Smiley." She claps her hands and then holds her hands towards me. I grab a towel and lift her out the bath. "What was the test?"
"Maths." She's going to be a huge nerd. I set her on her feet and she wraps the towel around herself. She bounces to her room.
She dries herself and puts on her PJ's. We eat dinner and Riley cleans up. She starts getting ready for work. "Want to go out tonight when Lee gets home?"
"I'm tired mate, you go." I need time to think about what I'm going to do. It's a big decision and I'm not sure Riley will ever forgive me for it.
I like how our life is now. "Don't be such a bore, we can have pre drinks here and then we will go." He's not giving me any room to get out of it. Maybe I can talk through it with Tyler.
He's probably going to be all for me leaving Riley. Riley kisses my lips and leaves the apartment. "I'll get some beers from our apartment."
I nod and encourage Miley to bed. She's actually being helpful and complying. I read her a book until she falls asleep. When I enter the living room Tyler has his feet on the coffee table.
I imagine Riley would beat him to death if he saw him do it. I slump on the couch and grab the beer he's left me. I take a swig, "What's wrong with you?"
I sigh, "I saw a therapist today. I guess I have a lot to think about."
"I thought you gave up on it, you said it didn't work." Yeah, I did and it didn't at the time.
"I want to be with Riley, Bro. Enough to really give this shit a try but my problems are still a huge issue."
"What did the therapist say exactly?"
"What I didn't want to hear but I've been thinking about it since we returned home. She said we both need help, we can't build a life together if we're still damaged.
"I can't expect Riley to love fragments of myself. She thinks Riley is vulnerable and using me as a clutch instead of healing. We both need to find the real us before we can build life together."
"She has a point, Bro. You know that. I've never been supportive of your relationship. I know you love her but is it right? You could hurt her and you'll feel worse."
"Yeah," I sigh. "I just don't know what to do. She's the one and I see a future with her. I want her to be my wife, I want her to be the mother of my kids. If I call it off she's never going to forgive me."
"If the time apart and therapy heals you then she can't be angry about that. In time, she will see it's for the best. You can't stop yourself from healing because of my sister.
"If it's what you both want when you've sorted your anger out then I will fully support you. My sister will be okay, she always is, in her own way."
"I don't think she's been okay since James. She acts tough but she's not. My therapist wants me to persuade her to go but I can't see that happening. She wakes up in the middle of the night, terrified."
He shrugs, "That's nothing new, she always has nightmares."
"No, this is different. She can't breathe it's that bad. She never remembers the nightmares. She just says she's scared. I've seen her nightmares and that's not it."
He frowns and takes a sip of beer. "That's weird, every night? When did that start?"
"Yeah every night without fail. I noticed when we went home for Christmas. I didn't ask if she got them before."
"Do you think it was James? She could be worried about him still. Especially as he hasn't been sentenced yet."
"I thought that but I'm not sure. I think James definitely set her back. She flinches when I touch her sometimes but I have a feeling it's something else." I don't know what but something doesn't add up.
Around half ten Riley comes home. I feel lighter after off loading to Tyler. "Yes, let's go bro. We have some drinking to do."
I sigh and make my way to Riley. I kiss her soft lips, soon I'm going to have to end this. For now though, I'm going to make the most of this.
"Go before I keep you here," she mumbles into my mouth. I peck her lips and walk to the door.
"Don't wait up sis," Tyler calls as we leave. He blows her a kiss and she shuts the door.
"You're a soppy git. Sometimes I wonder if you love Riley more than Ruby." I nudge him with my body as we head to elevator.
"I do but obviously in a different way. She will always be my favourite person in the world. Always."
We head to the small pub down the road from the apartment so we can walk home. We find a seat at the bar. I order Jäegermeister and Tyler orders gin. I think it's going to be a long night.
About an hour later I get off the stool and stagger to the bathroom. How am I so drunk already? I squint my eyes and focus on where I'm going.
Once I'm done I wash my hands and use the wall to guide me out. I end up walking into someone on the way out. "Fuck." I use their body to remain upright. I look at their face and hold their face once I get my hands under control. "Ri?"
"No, I'm Scarlett, remember? Ruby's friend?" Fuck, I should know if it's Riley or not. I let my hands fall from her face.
"You want to have a drink with us?" I start to stumble towards the bar and awkwardly climb up to my seat.
I notice Scarlett take the seat next to me. "Did you get lost?" Tyler jokes. Arsehole.
"No but I'm a little bit drunk. I may have just called Scarlett, Ri." I sip my drink, not that I think I need anymore.
"Ruby and I were talking about that. She could be Riley's twin."
"Not really, Riley is beautiful and slim. I'm just fat," Scarlett mumbles. I turn in my seat and stare at her horrified.
"You're not fat and you're beautiful. Riley's just too skinny." I wave my hand behind me and manage to hit Tyler. "Ain't that right, Bro."
"Yeah. You're not fat Scarlett. You think you're not beautiful?" I'm not seeing clearly right now but even when I first saw her, I couldn't deny that she's pretty.
"Oh please, you don't have to do the gentlemanly thing and be nice. I know I'm not as pretty as your girlfriends."
I laugh and then snort. "We are no gentlemen. Have you not heard our reputation? I'm the bad boy and he is the player. He wouldn't fuck you if you didn't look good on your arm. And you'd have tapped her, right bro?"
He laughs and claps my shoulder. "Fuck yeah."
"And in all honesty I'd have fucked anyone but I wouldn't have lied. I'd have told you what I thought. I'm probably too honest."
Tyler snorts, "Yeah he's brutally honest, so you have to take our word for it."
"Umm thanks, I guess. So you aren't with your girlfriends tonight?"
"It's guys night, my girl can't drink and she has my sister to look after."
"My girl is always working. When she's not she's exhausted. I'm getting blue balls." I laugh as Scarlett's eyes widen.
"He's not getting any and I soon won't either. I'm breaking up with my girl soon." Fuck, why did I say that?
"Is it not working? You looked happy together."
"It's complicated, I need to fix myself and I can't do that around her."
"I'm sure she'd understand that. She can't be mad for that."
"You think so?"
"I don't know, I mean if it was me it would be harder to move on if you said that. If someone said they cheated then I'd be angry and move on eventually."
I frown, I don't want her to move on but I do need her to back off. It hasn't worked when she thought that I still wanted her. She knew I didn't like Regan. Not really.
Would it make it easier for her if she thought I cheated? Will she believe it?
I finish my drink and I'm ready for my bed. "Mate, I need my bed. I can't drink anymore."
"Alright, Bro. I'm going to stay for a couple more." I nod and slide off the stool but end up flat on my face. Tyler's bellowing laugh sets me off. "You've turned into a lightweight."
Hands help me back to my feet. "Why don't I help you home?" Scarlett. Okay. I put my arm around her shoulder and she holds my waist.
"Sure, you know where I live, right? Because I'm not sure I'd find it. Everything is spinning."
"Yeah of course, down the road. Apartment 19."
"18, he lives at number 18. Don't disturb my sister in that state, Bro."
"Fuck. Just because you have blue balls, doesn't mean you have to give me the same fate."
"Bro, she won't take kindly to you turning up with a girl." Fuck, yeah he's right. Even though nothing has happened, she will still be quick to react. She has a short fuse these days.
"Bye bro." I wave as I look in front of me. It's a long walk to the apartment as I keep swaying and nearly tripping over.
When we finally make it to my apartment I chuckle to myself. "That was a mission."
I pull my keys out my pocket and try putting the key in the lock. It won't go in the hole. "Fuck."
"Let me try." Scarlett takes the keys from me and manages to open the door. "Where's your room?"
I point to the left room and she helps me to get there. I flop on the bed and shut my eyes. I grumble, "You can't sleep in your clothes, Flynn."
She pulls off my shoes one by one. "Sit up."
I lift up my top half up and my top is removed. "You're bossy, Ri."
Hands undo my jeans. "Ri, I need sleep."
"Remember, it's Scarlett, not Riley. Just help me get your jeans off and you can sleep."
I lift up and she shimmies my jeans down. I lay back down and I reach for Riley. "Come here, Ri."
"Good night, Flynn. See you another time. I'll leave your keys on the table."
"Where are you going, Ri? Stay with me?" I don't get an answer and it's not long before I pass out.
I wake to loud shouting. I grumble, my head hurts. "How could you do this to me, Tyler?"
"I swear, I don't know what happened, babe!"
"You made love to me, Tyler. That's what happened." I drag myself out of bed. I need them to stop shouting. I slide on my clothes from last night.
I take in the scene in the living room. Ruby is hitting Tyler's chest as she cries. Fucking Regan is in the room. Oh, and my girl. She's a sight for sore eyes. Why is she here? She has my sister in her arms. "Really bro? Her?"
"I don't remember, okay?" he grumbles with his fingers to his temples. "What happened bro?"
"The hell if I remember." Everything seems hazy at the moment.
"Real nice that is. You made love to me last night. Told me how good I felt." Fucking hell, I've just got rid of her and he sleeps with her? He's not that stupid, surely?
Riley settles my sister on the couch as Ruby lunges for Regan. Tyler manages to grab Ruby. My girl seems to be on a mission and I'm intrigued at what she will do.
I'm not holding her back, Regan deserves what she gets. Riley takes a fist full of her hair. Regan screams and Riley covers her mouth. "Get the fuck out of here. You're like a little rat that gets into a house that no one wants. You're poison."
She pulls her to the door by her hair. Regan fights against her but Riley clearly has the upper hand, my girl is strong.
She opens the door and lobs her out as if she's a trash bag. "Go find someone else's family to haunt, leave mine alone!"
I would have liked to have seen her at least punch her once but it was entertaining to watch. She shuts the door and she picks up Miley who's now awake.
"Please Ruby, I don't know what happened. Please believe me, I was drunk. I love you."
Ruby recoils away from Tyler. "She was in your bed, Tyler. I can't trust you."
Riley takes Ruby's hand. "Come with me, Rubs."
She nods and follows my girl. "Wait no, I need to explain this. Ruby, I love you. It was a mistake, I was drunk!"
Riley stops and releases Ruby's hand. She puts her hand to Tyler's chest. "Stop Ty. Ruby needs space from you right now. Nothing you say is going to matter at this point. Just let me handle it."
Fuck, this is going to be me soon. Frantically trying to reason with Riley when I call it off. Tyler nods, he's a blubbering mess. Riley takes Ruby's hand and they leave the apartment.
I need a coffee I know that much. There's cups overflowing in the sink. Fucking hell, I've enjoyed having a fresh cup each morning. I rinse two and flick the kettle on. "Bro, do you know what happened?"
I glance at him and he's still staring at the door. "No but I'm pretty sure I left before you."
"I wouldn't cheat on her, would I?" I focus on making the coffees. "I love Ruby, I know I'm not getting any but I wouldn't go else where, would I?"
"Bro, I don't know what to say. Why the fuck would you even hang out with her after the drama she caused me? I could safely say I wouldn't cheat because I can't but I wasn't there bro."
"I don't know. I know I wouldn't when I'm sober. Maybe I should talk to her again."
"Let's have coffee and shower, then go round. My girl will sort this out. She has your back as much as Ruby's. She will find a way to sort this mess out, I have no doubt."
Not sure how she will but she will. I pour the water in the cups and I hand one to him. I take a sip of mine and then take it to the couch.
Tyler prizes his eyes away from the door and takes a seat. "I feel absolutely useless. I'm not drinking again."
I scoff, "Yeah, until the next time, Bro." He's said this many times before. Perhaps I should have stayed but I wouldn't have been any good at all. I could barely see straight.
He gulps down his coffee and stands up. "I'm going to shower." I nod, I'll shower after and then I need to see my girl.
Will she still let me see her after I leave her? I hate being here when she's next door. I hate not knowing when I'll see her next. Even if she's angry at me, I'll take it, just to spend time with her.
I turn the TV on and carelessly flick through the channels. I'm not really interested in watching anything, I'm just waiting for Tyler to get out the shower.
My phone rings and I answer it. "Hi Mom."
"Hey Honey. I checked your bank activity. Are you seeing a therapist? I'm just checking you're okay." She doesn't sound overly impressed at the activity on the card.
"I thought you'd be happy to pay for my therapy. I'm okay, I just want to get my anger under control." That's putting it mildly, if I didn't have my anger I could be happy and be with Riley.
"We are happy, I told you to use the card for whatever you need and want. I just don't really see why you need it. How did the session go?"
"My triggers revolve around Riley, Mom. I can't heal myself when I'm constantly worrying about her. I need to take a step back, even if she's going to hate me for it."
"Is that the best thing, Honey? Why should you put your life on hold? You want to be with her right?"
"Of course I do, Mom. More than anything, it will be good for the both of us. Focus on ourselves instead of each other patching up wounds instead of fixing them."
I hear the shower cut off and I go to my room. "I guess so but what about her? Do you think she will cope with that?"
"How knows? I don't think she will do anything stupid whilst she has Miley. My therapist wants her to see someone. She said I'm her clutch and she won't be able to move on from her trauma if I'm fighting her demons. I don't want to do this Mom but if we're going to have a future, it has to be this way."
I walk into the bathroom from ny room. I clutch the phone between my ear and shoulder, stripping out of my clothes. "That does seem logical but will she get help?"
"Doubtful, but I can't not do this Mom. It's never going to work."
"Alright, well, call if you need us. Goodbye Honey." I say goodbye and hang up. I place my phone on the sink and climb in the shower.
It has to work, right? It's all for us and our future. I can't expect Riley to marry me if I'm a liability.
I don't linger in the shower, just enough to wash. I get out and wrap a towel around me. I shove my clothes in the wash basket and collect my phone.
I enter my bedroom and find some clothes to wear. I quickly dry and get dressed. When I walk into the living room Tyler is pacing. "What took you so long?"
I grumble as I follow him out the room, collecting my keys as I go. He's not going to calm down until he's seen her or spoken to Riley. I unlock the door and we walk in. I shove the keys in my pocket.
Doesn't look like Ruby is still here. "Lee, is she okay?"
"No bro, she's not. What we're you thinking?" she growls. Man, she's pissed.
"I don't know, okay? I was so fucking drunk. I remember being at Joe's with Flynn. We were doing shots, then the next I know I'm being woken up to a shoe flying into the wall and hitting my head."
Riley turns her death stare to me. What the hell did I do? "Where were you?" I hold my hands up, I don't want to fight with her.
"Ri, I left after I had too much to drink. I didn't want to wake you so I slept at mine." I walk to her table and notice a drawing of Miley. It's got so much detail in it that I'm in awe.
I pick it up and examine every ounce of detail. "When did you do this?"
"When I couldn't sleep this morning." Fuck, she doesn't sleep without me. I didn't even tell her I was staying at my apartment. See, this is why I need therapist, I just don't think.
"Will she ever forgive me?" Tyler asks. "I've never loved anyone before but I love her so much." Jesus, is this going to be me asking him that?
"You guys have a funny way of showing it sometimes." Do I not show her enough that I love her? She asks Miley to go get changed. "She needs time, bro."
Tyler sighs and leaves the apartment. I hastily pull Riley flush with my body and kiss her. I need to treasure the time I have left with her.
I grudgingly pull away and follow Tyler out. I'm assuming he went back to the apartment. Sure enough he's on the couch.
I take a seat next to him offering my silent support, there's not much more I can say but at least I'm here. Supporting him and being by his side through his fuck ups.
YOU ARE READING
Her Lost Soul 2
Roman d'amourThe second instalment of the series in Flynn Archer's perspective. How will he react when the love of his life is withdrawing from him? When finds the cause of her worries, how will he react? All he wants to do is protect Riley but he hates himself...
