His Forever

12

'The most painful thing ever is having feelings for someone you can't be with."

Waking up next to my boss was definitely the strangest morning I've ever had. His large, tattooed arm was wrapped around my waist and his dark, fluffy hair was tickling my neck.

Gulping nervously, I slowly tried to release myself from his hold but it was to no use. I tried and tried again, till eventually he turned around and moved his arm off me.

I took the opportunity to leap off the bed and run back into my room. I closed the door behind me and sank down to the floor.

My hand went to my mouth to try and muffle the sounds of my sobs whilst tears were streaming down my eyes, making my vision become blurry.

I felt so overwhelmed and alone. I had no one to talk to, no one who would understand what I was feeling. I didn't even know how I was feeling.

No one apart from my family had ever gotten me such a thoughtful gift, and sleeping beside him with his large protective arm around me made me feel so warm and loved.

This can't be happening. I didn't care that I was feeling these type of feelings for a man but I cared that it was him that I was feeling this for. I felt disgusted that even for a second, I let myself think that this could be the start if something. He probably wasn't even interested in men, and even if he was, he would never want to be with someone as pathetic as me.

He deserves better than to be with someone who he needs to constantly reassure, someone who get panic attacks over small things, someone who can't even talk to someone apart from his family without getting nervous and he deserves better than someone who doesn't even love himself.

I can't be that man for him.

I don't think I can be than man for anyone and that made my heart hurt.

I was subconsciously playing around with the small arrow charm on my bracelet before I stopped and looked down at it, making me cry even harder.

I knew that I would have to draw a professional line at our relationship and I hope he realises that it isn't because of him, it's because I don't think I would be able to survive being so close to something I could never have.

After brushing my teeth and going for a quick shower, I washed my face to try and get rid of any evidence of my breakdown but looking at my reflection, there was nothing that could cover my reddened face and watery eyes.

Leaving the bathroom with a sigh, I moved over to the closet and picked out some clothes to wear.

I put on some black jeans and a cream knitted jumper my mamma made, before grabbing my laptop bag and making my way downstairs.

Luckily I was getting used to the layout of the house and I was able to navigate my way to the kitchen, admittedly after going the wrong way a few times.

Opening the door, I was met with a table full of various breakfast items and my boss bringing two plates over before noticing my presence.

"Good morning", he said with a smile, coming closer towards me.

Before he could come any closer, I began to walk to the opposite side of the table and sat down, mumbling a small good morning in greeting.

"Stai bene? (Are you okay?)", he asked, his smile slowly turning into a frown.

"I'm fine Mr De Campo", I replied, my heart stinging at how blunt I was being.

He sat down opposite me and we both began to eat, the silence wrapping around us, slowly suffocating me.

I could feel him looking at me but I didn't dare take my eyes off my plate.

"Last night, we managed to track down Volkov's base warehouse. We found a shit load of files and documents on a hard drive which we've bought back to be decoded. We've captured all the men who were at the warehouse and managed to intercept all lines of communication to Volkov. He's in Russia currently and doesn't get back for two weeks. We've got until then to track down all the places he is keeping children hostage and to return them safely back home. Then when he comes back, we can finally kill that son of a bitch", he said darkly.

"I'm glad everything is going to plan, Mr De Campo. I'll start decoding", I said, standing up and walking towards the door, still not looking at him. The urge to ask him how his injury was, was killing me and I knew I wouldn't be able to look at him without crumbling again.

He got up after realising I was leaving the kitchen quickly came in front of me, blocking the exit.

"Matteo", he suddenly said in his deep, alluring voice, his thick Italian accent suddenly appearing.

"W-What?", I asked quietly.

"Call me Matteo", he breathed out.

"I can't do that, Mr De Campo", I whispered, swallowing nervously. Calling him by his first name would mean that I see him as something other than my boss. Once I crossed that line, I knew I wouldn't be able to come back from it and that road would eventually lead to disappointment and heartbreak on my side.

Without sparing him a glance, I went to the office and grabbed all the things I would need, including the hard drive which was placed onto my desk, and headed up to my room.

There was no way I would be able to work in there with him without him questioning my odd behaviour. There was no way I could lie to him. I was a horrible liar in general, but I knew I would never be able to tell him anything but the truth to anything he would ask me, and I couldn't risk that happening.

I had only known him for a few days but what I was feeling was so foreign to me. When I was younger, I always kept to myself; truthfully, it wasn't intentional, but when people didn't want to spare a second glance at me, I became used to being alone. It didn't bother me at first that I didn't really have friends, but growing up, my heart ached for friendship, for love, for someone to willingly take even a minute out of their day just to ask how I was.

There weren't any opportunities for me to really discover who I was and what my sexuality was but I figured that it didn't really matter; no one wanted me anyways.