Brighter Stars // Billie Eilish gxg

t h i r t y f i v e

Carmen's POV

I wake up around 10:30 AM the next morning before Billie does.

I slip on one of Billie's designer robes hanging on the bathroom door, and silently slip out of the room, in search of the coffee maker in the kitchen.

"Chocolate chips AND bananas?" I hear a female voice laugh.

I turn the corner and see Claudia at the stove, and Finneas sitting at the kitchen table.

"Is it a crime to want both in my pancakes?" Finneas laughs.

"I typically like one or the other-" Claudia starts, before turning around and seeing me.

"Carmen!" She exclaims, running over to give me a hug.

I hug her back.

"Good morning!" I say cheerfully, trying to mask how sleepy I am.

"Haven't seen you in a minute!" Finneas says from across the room, gesturing to me to sit next to him.

"I need coffee. Like 10 minutes ago." I joke, approaching the coffee pot.

"We just brewed that pot, and there's oat milk creamer in the fridge." Claudia says, tending to the pancakes on the stove.

I make myself a small cup of coffee with cream, then go to sit next to Finneas.

"The hearing is tomorrow and I have no idea what to say." I sigh, taking a sip from my mug.

"I mean, have you asked Billie for help?" Claudia asks across the kitchen.

"I mean, it's not about my shitty writing skills." I say.

"Then what is it about?" Finneas asks, raising an eyebrow.

"I don't think I can even think about anything, let alone get it out of my head and onto paper." I say, looking at Finneas.

The room falls quiet for a moment.

"I mean I can't imagine..." Finneas starts, looking at me with pity.

"I don't want to be treated like a victim, at all. I just want to be able to make this mean something. Everything I went through can't be for nothing." I say, pushing my hair behind my ears.

Claudia approaches the table with a massive plate of pancakes, and three smaller plates.

"I made enough for both you and Billie if you want any." Claudia says, sitting next to Finneas.

"Ugh thank you!" I exclaim, putting one on my plate.

"Back on topic though, I think that when I have trouble pulling a concept out of my head, I always walk around outside and just connect with myself." Finneas says, grabbing a few pancakes from the platter.

"I'm not sure if a song writing technique translates over to a 'writing an impact statement' technique..." Claudia says, shooting a look at Finneas.

I laugh and have a couple of bites of my pancake.

"I'll try it after I eat." I say, taking a sip of my coffee.

We catch up with each other over breakfast, and soon Claudia and Finneas go to take their dog, Peaches, for a walk.

I take this opportunity to heat up my coffee, then slip outside to sit on their swing in the backyard.

I look around and try to take in everything.

I can hear the birds singing, the traffic from the city, and nearby chatter from the neighbors. I can see the sun shining and the way the trees cast their shadows.

I look down at myself, in Billie's robe, and my mug of coffee.

Yeah, I got nothing.

I rock back and forth on the swing, waiting.

Maybe everything will come back into my head in perfect memory if I just sit here in silence for a while.

The Mansion, Webb, Flora and the other girls.

The way Webb smiled at me when he noticed how scared or uncomfortable I was.

The way the drugs they gave me made my brain feel like it was melting.

Each time I feel myself remembering, it instantly all goes away again.

"Hey."

I jump a little and look up to see Billie in the doorway.

"Can I sit with you?" She asks.

I wordlessly scoot over and she sits next to me, our legs touching.

We sit in silence for a moment, enjoying each other's company.

"I'm sorry about last night. I don't know why I was being like that." I say, looking at her.

"This is a really weird time, Carmen. It's okay." Billie says, resting her hand on my leg.

"It's really not." I say.

Billie doesn't say anything, but looks at me with a soft expression.

"I treated you like shit yesterday, left without telling you where I was going, and then came home high." I say.

"Carmen, I forgive you." Billie says softly.

"I think I forgot that I'm not the only one that was absolutely traumatized by all of this. You were traumatized too, Billie." I reach up and brush Billie's bangs out of her face, and she smiles softly.

"Nothing I went through holds a fucking candle, to what you went through." Billie emphasizes.

I say nothing, but lay my head on her shoulder. Billie wraps her arm around me.

"I love you." I say, nestling in closer to her.

"I love you too, with everything in me."

//

a short one today friends. more soon ;)