The secrets I hold

Entry 1: March 19, 2013

Hey, today it's been especially hard. I feel the urge to cut. I been pushing it down but I don't know how long I can keep it that way. I feel ashamed worthless, disgusting. I hate that I cut. I hate worrying that someone would find out.

It's been about 3 days since I last cut. I want to so bad. I have a blade that I took out of my shaver. In a box under my bed. I know where it is when ever I need it. I don't want to but as I writing write now I want to.

Each time I drag that blade across my wrists.

And watch the blood slowly start to pour.

I pray for courage

To press down a little more.

I'm numb, I need to realse all this pain. I feel like no one understands. I need help. I don't know if I'm getting better or getting used to the pain.

I fight the urge, but I can feel myself falling.

When I cut every problem disappears. I'm not saying that it's the right thing to do, it has ruined my life. I thought I could control it, it will only be small cuts.

But as the pain got worse, so did the cuts.

I know that it's wrong but I can't help it. I see there faces everyday.

The cuts are getting deeper and deeper.

I'm losing the battle.

I lost hope, I just wamt all of the pain to go away. I don't why I have to deal all this on my shoulders

Why? Why me? Are the questions I ask and the thought of being uncontrollable makes me feel the urge to control.

I'm trying my best. Well goodnight e everyone