The secrets I hold

Entry 3: march 21,2013

I'm in class and I just wanted to write a few thoughts.

Everyone has been judged. Right?

So, when I walk into a room all I think is that there judging me. Talking. Whispering about me. Its hard, to get over the things that happen.

Why? That's what goes through my mind twenty four seven.

Why? Am I here.

Why, is this happenimg?

Why? Did I make that first cut.

I hate myself for making that first cut.

Ever since that first time that blade touched my skin. And I felt that cold blade slide across my skin.

It was it for me. I was done.

It hurt like a bitch. I didn't think that it helped me. I swore to myslef that I wouldn't do it agian.

I say to my self now. Why? Why did I have to do that. I never thought that it would become an addiction. That I wouldn't be able to stop. That whenever I'm hurting inside, I would hurt myself. But, that's what happend. I can't help myself now. I'm dying inside.

Theses are the thought that are constantly going through my head all the time. That are eating me up inside I try to keep myself busy with things but it doesn't help. As soon as in done. I'm lost in my thoughts. There's no escape.

This quote explains it

"You say to yourself just once more....

But there will be fresh marks there the same time next week."

That exactly what happens. You become addicted......

And you try and try, to quit it but you can't, that makes you feel alone. The cycle begins.

If your reading this please don't cut. It will only make your life a living hell. Only thinking about this everyday. Fuck, I wish I would have token my own advice. But, it's too late. For me, I don't want to get better! Not yet.

But, hopefully you do, want to get better.

It's a world you don't want to join.

There's just too much, pain to deal with and yeah for those five minutes it does help, but not for long. I'm trying to stop its been 4 days since I last cut. I'm trying to fight the urges.

It's so hard. Yesterday I had the blade ready. I was planing to but, I fought the urge by doing other things. I fought through it. It hurt not to cut. My cuts where itching, I wanted too so bad.

But, I didn't and when the urge passed. I felt courage to keep fighting these thoughts.

But, inside deep in my mind I know that ill slip. And go crashing down again. But, for right now I'll lie to myself and hope it's true.

I have always been religious. But, it's hard to be it now when all you are doing is sining. Why, would god put me through this. Maybe he has a plan for me but, I. Wish it could have. Ce with a Manuel because I don't know how to deal with this.

Lie..

Lies...

Lying.....

Is all I'm surrounded by now. I can't put this plastered smile on anymore. I can't keep saying I'm okay. I can't keep lying to myself, friends, family. To the people I care the most about. I hate it. This. The person I have become. The thing I am now that unused to despise. I used to think that they where crazy. Stupid , shit unused to say how could someone do that to them selves.

Now I have become the thing I thought I would

Never...

Become, but that is what I am. This is it

Lost...

Worthless..

Dead..

Fat...

Ugly....

Numb...

Empty.....

Stupid....

Hopeless...

Alone.....

Overwhelmed......

Comfused.....

These are the things that go thought my head. It never stops.

__________________________

I feel better now! I had my favorite dinner. Spaghetti I should make a shirt that says" I <3 spaghetti" that's how much I love it.

I'm proud of myself that I haven't cut in four days. I feel. The urge and I suppress it.

Even though I have got so close to cutting. I don't, because I know five minutes after I would think it was dumb.

I'm trying my hardest. And once again I'm writing to get things off my head. My therapist said that I should write to keep busy. That every time that I feel the urge write and I do. I'm jotting down every thing I feel.

I'm supposed to go with my grandparents this weekend. I can't wait. But they might not be able to pick me up because my grandfather got his license token away for drinking and driving.

That's another thing. My grandfather drinks alot. Sometimes too the point that it hurts Him. I know that he's a sick man. You can hear it in his voice. He's also addicted to gambling. He loses all his money, because he get drunk and then he can stop himself. We used to got to Atlantic city all the time he would rent a room. Then her would go to the amusement park on Thursday beachside there's a discount. Then they would take turns watching us while they gamble. There wasn't one time that they wouldn't fight. They would leave us in the room and gamble, they wouldn't come back till they were arguing.

Then our grandmother would leave back home. Leaving us there while he still gambles. I'm the mornings he would. Apologize...

He says not again. And we would be naive enough to belive him.

Then, he'll go find mama when we get back shell be a madilenes house and they'll fight then, things will get back to normal. Until they go there agian, the cycle starts. It's both of them!

He would stop. Over doing it. We stoped staying there. Which made me think that we only went down there for. Them not us.....

Then, they built a casino around my house.... Must have been the worst thing they could have done. He started to do it agian gamble. Lose all there money. But I never went beacause it wasn't that big, like with hotel rooms and stuff.

I started to notice that they wouldn't come see us unless they came to casinos them stopped by our house. It hurt when, they would come by and say that we can stay long we came from the casinos it's getting late we have to go.

When my grandfather came out of nowhere at 3:00 am. Saying begging our mom for money that hurts.

He says he been in Philly for days. I would have never seen him unless, he went bankrupt.

He promised me again that he would t do it again. I said " don't say that if your not planing to do it". I could feel my self being to cry. I was just tired of people telling me lies. He said I would t lie to you . And I said that's what you said about Atlantic city.

I just hope that they can, pick me up. They live in jersey and it's a relief. I wanted to argue with my mom when I got home. But, didnt.

I called her, to tell her that I was going to therapy she said I couldn't. Because I had to clean my room, I have all day to do that. She. Hasn't been letting me go every week, she comes up with a. Excuse. She doesn't understand that it helps me. It's not about if she thinks it or not. It's not about her, this is for me.