The secrets I hold

Entry 2: March 20,2013

It's early in the morning, I don't feel the urge anymore I'm proud that I didn't cut. I hope it gets easier. I don't ever want to tell my mom, I feel as though they wouldn't understand.

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Ever since that first cut, that's all I can think about. When I'm in school. When I'm with friends , I try my best to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I find my self constantly looking at my scars. I where bracelets all the time now. To cover the healing cut, or scars. It's sad to say no one notices the scars, the pain , the hurt.

But then again i can't blame anyone because, I am good at hiding the the pain behind a smile.

I look around searching people's arms. Looking to see if they have scars. But they don't

There arms are clean.

And when I do I feel desperately alone. I feel like know one is going through what I'm going through. I shouldn't be here. I'm only a burden.

That's the cycle. I start to think, I think about what could have been if I wasn't here. And to cover up that pain and to push those thoughts down inside.

I cut.

I've tried everything. Drawing a butterfly, snapping plastic runner bands. Counting down, therapy.

But no nothing helps, I'm lost inside a world that there's no exit.

I try so hard but it's hopeless

Hopeless.....

That's the word that goes through my head.

Constantly.

Where ever I am. It's there. I would never forget the time when I saw my mother cry over me.

---flash back--------------------

" I don't know what you want me to do" she screamed.

I can hear tears brimming at her eyes.

I just stay there tearing.

" I don't think I was that much of a bad mother, I have changed from when we used to live with grandmom" she says her voice lowering.

" I don't know, why I feel this way" I say barely a whisper.

I can now see her full on crying. I feel a great pain in my chest. I can barely breathe let alone answer.

" it's was just too, much for me. I have all theses things on my shoulders. I can't take it. I don't want to live anymore all I do is cause drama to your life. I'm only a burden."

I'm now screaming.

" no your not, it's just you need to learn how to stop your self from acting up" she says kindly

It shocks me.

-------end flashback---------

That's when I thought I wanted to end it all. That was a few weeks ago. But I can't do anything to help that right now all I can do is try to cope.

Right now while I'm putting a smile on my face and I'm sitting with the family. All I want to do is cut. I have all theses thoughts and feelings and I don't know why's to do. I know what your thinking, oh she's just a teenager hating life, she has no respect , she's a drama queen. And you'll be right I kinda hate life but I can't help it. My bodies a map, and every time I cut I'm making a river or lake. It's just that I came to like the feeling of the blade against my skin. The feeling , makes me substitute internal pain for external.

I get a. Rush. The warm tear stream down my face. I made a choice after i made that first cut. I will have to wear. Bracelets all the time. Flinching when some one touches a scar. Worrying if anyone sees my Scars. I hate it.

I can't do anything to help that. It's an addiction. Every time I'm sad , the urge is too strong. There's know way for me to stop it. I run to my room. And the cycle continues.

I find the box. I've hidden it pretty well. Even if someone finds it, they won't. The blade is taped to the. Back of a small candle.

I have cotton balls close by, I press the blade into my skin. I watch as the warm beads is blood pops up. That soon becomes a stream of red sea. When I'm done I clean up and tend my wounds.

Then there's the guilt. Soon after I feel reget. I start to pray that I won't, do it agian.

But who am I lying too, I know I will as soon as I feel the urge I will cut. I lie to myself so I can get through the night. To think that I can stop would be bliss. Not have this on my shoulders. But it feels so good to though. To realse all the built up problems let them slowly leak out my wrist.

It's only a small time frame for this realse. Soon the thoughts will flood in again. The pain will come back.

But to have a little calmness. I will do anything for it.

These thought never leave my mind.also this question

What if?

Why?

Who else?

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Authors note

Hey, I'm not sure if anyone is reading these. But if you are comment and vote. Thx

Have a beautiful day