The secrets I hold

Entry 5: march 22,2013

I woke up this morning, and I was happy. For the first time in so long I didn't have the weight on my shoulders. I could breathe.

Threw out my life I always felt like there was something on my chest not letting me be free. But, surprisingly this morning it's gone. I don't know if its because I'm at my grandfathers house, or I confided into my friend, but I'm glad for what ever reason it is.

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I have came to terms that, when I cut. The emotions flood out of me and for that split second I become free. That's why I'm addicted to the feeling. When I feel the blood, pour out of my body I'm in control. And I love it.

I have no control over my life. But, I do when it comes to my self harm. It's MY decision,MY choice. It's all ME.

It's sad for the fact that the only way I can feel alive and not numb and dying. Is if I cut.

With out cutting, I would probably not be here. It's killing me inside when I don't cut. For the longest I have been using this to help and guide me.

But, really deep inside my mind. I know that one day I'm going to cut too deep. That one day cutting isn't gonna work. That one day if I don't help,I will die completely inside. That one day I would lose the fight to carry on. One day the people I love the most wont be with me.

But, for right now I cut. To live, to be alive, be free.

Even though,I know it's killing me slowly.

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I just feel so lost, as if I have been sucked into something I just can't get out of.

A succulent black hole, where the light of happiness can't escape.

I feel like a ticking time bomb,at which any moment can explode.

And when it does there's no telling what I can, or, will do. But right now all I Can say is that I just don't care anymore.

I don't care if I live, die, drink to much. When I start to care it only pain seeps in.

So what happens after this, it's not in my hands anymore.

If whatever Ill turn a blind eye. It's what I have to do, to survive.

Not many can understand what I'm thinking, to some it make no sense but to myself it makes plenty.

I have to tell my self I don't want to die.

I have to hold my breathe and jump in to the world.

And when that happens I will me free.

I have to let go.

Of the thoughts of worthlessness.

I have choice to sulk I'm my misery. And worry about my past. To relive the pain and suffering. To relive what happened to me.

Or get over it. Let what happened make me stronger. Let all those people that weren't there for me see me strong . Motivate me to do better. To prove them wrong.

There's an obvious choice. But am I ready to forget, to forgive. Fuck no, I won't forget what has happened to me. Yes, it will make me stronger. But, the fuck it won't make me better. It only fucked me over.

I can't go a day with thinking about those times, that I was helpless,alone. When I was waiting for my mom come home. When she left me in that house with that man. While she went out and partied.

When, she chose her husband over us, her kids.

I never used to touch a bottle. Now I'm hardly ever sober.

I see demons all around me. I see hate.

Some people, expect me to forget what happened. I was scared, alone. With no one to help me. But, now you want me to respect you, call you mom. That doesn't work. We will never have a relationship. It pains me to remeber the times when we used hang together, watch movies, relax. Spend hours in your arms. They way way we used to laugh with each other. Talk with one another. But, as I got older I remembered. What happened and that's why we're not close. I can't,every time I get close to a person, I feel like there just going to hurt me. It's horrible way to live. Yes, people been through worse. But, I'm just not that strong.

But, I will make it through the tough time to prove to them wrong , the people that hurt me , they didn't break me. I'm still here. It might take a while to fight it. But I have to, or I will risk everything.

That night, those months, it took EVERYTHING from me. My innocence, my peace of mind, security, my future. I am BROKEN. I am SCARED,Every single day that

I wake up, but I fight through it.

To live, to love. I just feel like I'm too close to edge, to come back now.