The secrets I hold

Explanation

There's been problems ever since I was born. I have always felt unwanted. My mom was on drugs when I was born. I lived with my grandparents through out my young life, they loved me dearly. But, I always felt like a burden....

My grandparents gave us back to our mom. That was the worst thing he could have done, my life changed so much after that one decision..

Hate Is a very strong word, but I can honestly say I hate a Few people in this world.

-----flashback-----

I'm in my room . Which you can call a basement because my mom couldn't afford a house so we are living with her mom.

We have been cramped in this basement for the longest. I can't wait till we get our new house. It's all four of us kids and Raul, he's our uncle. Uhhh it pains me even to say his name. It's night time, I know what's going to be coming. It's been going on for so long now that I became oblivious to the real pain I'm feeling. I can hear him upstairs moving around. There's nothing I can do. I'm hopeless...

I can feel him coming closer to my bed I praying someone can wake up. Save me. There's no one. There to help. I try to make a noise but, he says that he'll hurt me and my family.

I just pray that will be over soon...

---end flashback---

I was so young and naive back then. I was so Young, I told my grandparents they forced my mom to move us into our new house.

I thought things will get better but they didn't, they got worse.

I never thought that I could have kept so many things to myself. I was bullied , scared, miserable, raped for years. I didn't think it effected me until now. I'm fucked up now.I pushed it to the back of mine but it's always been there. Those secrets that I hold inside of me. There slowly killing me from inside out. On the outside I look happy.

But if you knew that all that was a facade to all the world of hurt,

Pain..

Hopelessness ...

Misery...

Lost...

Empty ...

Numb...

Depressed...

Unloved...

Unworthy....

Worthless....

Dead...

World that I now live in, you'll be shocked.

I have always been afraid of my stepdad, but on my 14 th birthday that's when I felt things change inside, it's like it lit a match that set fire to all my thoughts.

Now I'm trapped in my head, there's no escape.

I will never forget that night.

I told my mother after months of molestation, huh she didn't belive me.

She choose him.

That was it for me, after that I knew that mines and my moms relationship would be done.

That summer of 2012, I broke.

I cut for the first time. I felt numb to world around me I wanted to feel something, anything. After that first cut. I promised god and my self that I wouldn't cut anymore.

I lied

It became an addiction.

Every fight with my grandparents I cut, with my mom I cut

I felt alone I cut

I felt worthless I , you know the rest.

The blade against my skin was now so familiar I didn't regret it. It helped ease the pain, it was a horrible cycle

I cry

Cut

Then cry again

Those scars that slowly fade are a rememberance of the battle I lost with my self,

I'm broken, I don't know if I can get fixed. I been to therapy it helped for a while I quit cold turkey, but those feeling flooded all back.

After a fight with my mom, I attempted to kill myself, I took 14 pills it didn't do anything. She knows about My suicide but not about the cutting, she never took me to the hospital I thought I was gonna die,that'a what hurt the most.

She offered for me to move to jersey with my grandparents, but It would only hurt them more. So I wanted to stay and suffer.

I can feel the urge it's so strong to cut, I'm trying not too, but I can feel my self slipping. So now you know more about me than my therapist, or closet friend. You can't judge or effect me so. I trust this, I'm trying to realize some feelings.

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Thanks for reading, comment what you think, self harm is a touchy subject, I don't think anyone should do this. If you do cut get help.

Have a beautiful day!!