dokyeom sits at the party, his body physically there but his mind somewhere far away. the world keeps spinning around him as he stays still, wanting to scream, wanting to tell everyone he's stuck. but he doesn't scream, he doesn't even say a word. he just sits, and watches as everyone else goes along with their lives, making him feel as though his brain is the only one broken. he hasn't been himself lately, and the parts of him that used to so intensely define him have began to slip away. the doctors would call it depression, he calls it disappearing, because that's what it feels like. you have noticed his subtle switches in personality, his lack of conversation, his loss of passion for the things he once loved. with no other basis as to why this is happening, you assume its something to do with you. you are naive, and all you know is that he doesn't talk to you like he used to, he doesn't touch you like he used to, and its not the same as it was.
this party solidifies it for you, making it hard to ignore. some days are good, better than others, almost normal in fact. today, is not a good day. you spend the whole night trying to get through to him, but nonetheless feeling like you're talking to a wall. you want to understand, but you find yourself getting frustrated. what did i do?, you think to yourself.
his friends engage him in a conversation, to which he gives short answers, just long enough to keep everyone off his back for now. you are sitting next to him on the couch, but not touching. before this all started happening, he would be all over you. thigh touches, soft kisses on your check, hand holding. you crave the old part of him, the part that loved you like this. you anxiously reach your hand over, resting it on his knee. some sort of contact, any sort of touch, would suffice. he stares ahead, remaining in the conversation, but only you can see that he is not paying attention at all. he's lost.
"kyeom" you whisper, loud enough for only him to hear. you desperately try to snap him out of his trance.
"hmm" he says, after a few seconds. his eyes stay ahead, but flutter momentarily before looking at you quickly, immediately returning to looking at the ground.
he can't even look at you, you think.
"did i do something to upset you?" you finally ask, taking your hand away from his knee, and resting it on your own. sadness seeps off your voice like honey, begging for your boyfriend to just be honest.
this is when dokyeom snaps out of it, even if for a brief moment or two, he's back. he isn't upset with you, not in the slightest. in fact he loves you more and more everyday, even through this. he goes to bed every night thinking you're going to leave him now, and he fights these thoughts daily, alone. he doesn't have to do it alone, of course, but he doesn't know how to open up. he sees now, how hurtful this has been to you. he knows he's been the worst boyfriend recently, while you've been nothing but amazing. he hears you now, and he sees you now. he looks at you, his eyes finally making contact with yours. he notices how yours are red, threatened with tears.
he shakes his head, a shake filled with guilt and sadness, "no" he pauses "no not at all baby", he reaches forward, taking your hand that previously rested on his leg. he holds it softly, rubbing his thumb back and forth. you feel his warmth, his presence that you missed oh so much. you almost melt at the simple touch, ready to forget everything.
"i'm sorry" he sighs, eyelids heavy and looking away from yours. he stares at both of your hands, feeling miserable.
you don't even know what exactly he's apologizing for, but you are just happy he's here, for now. he looks at your face, reading the signs of confusion and distrust, wondering if he means it when he says he isn't upset with you. he stands up, still keeping your hand in his. suddenly, he pulls you up and into a hug, one that speaks a thousand words. your body is flush against his, as he wraps his strong arms around you, keeping you close. you are so surprised with the sudden act that it takes you a couple moments to hug back. once you do, once you wrap your arms around his waist, you feel whole again. he brings his hand up to your head, gently cradling it close to his chest. you hear his heartbeat, moving quickly and pronounced.
"i promise i'm not upset with you. i've been a shitty boyfriend, baby. i'm so sorry" he says again, softly into your ear. he means every word, hoping that you take in his apology and swallow it whole, feeling just how much he loves you. he can't lose you, he wouldn't even know what to do. you take it all in, knowing that he is sincerely sincere with his words. you aren't mad at him, and you surely don't think he's a shitty boyfriend. you want him to be himself again, any way he knows how. you lean your head back from his chest, wanting to look at him when you say this.
"don't say that, kyeom. i love you. i just want to help you. please let me help you" you practically beg, cupping his face. he stares into your eyes, and he gets it. he knows that you are there for him, and he no longer has to do this alone. he knows pushing you away is the wrong answer, and he doesn't want to do it anymore. he misses you, god he misses you so much.
with an agreement thats spoken more by the look in his eyes than with his words, he whispers a soft "okay". he leans forward, resting his forehead on yours, kissing your nose. he doesn't even need to say i love you back, because he does it without words. he holds your hips, pressing you into him, and he kisses you. he kisses your lips and makes up for all the lost good morning and goodnight ones, you so desperately missed. he is going to show you with actions now, never letting you think he's upset with you ever again. you are the one thing in his life that he feels makes it worth living, and he's not going to let that go. he's here now, he's back.
