you wrap your arms around yourself, desperate to get some warmth from the cold in the air tonight. you rub up and down on your arms as the wind hits you, making its way through the holes in your sweater. your boyfriend is walking ahead of you, swaying into the other members as we walk down the block to the club. some of them pregamed a bit too hard, including dokyeom. he nearly trips over, well, air, and falls into seungkwan. everybody erupts in laughter, giggling at his misfortune. you attempt to giggle lightly to fit in, but in reality you are feeling very anxious. he moves back to the end of the group and meets up with you, wrapping an arm around your shoulder. you feel warmer in his touch, leaning into him momentarily.
"hey pretty" he mumbles, trying to appear less intoxicated than he is, and failing at it.
you say hello back, wrapping an arm around his waist to steady his walking. he moves you over to the inside of the sidewalk. in this position he gets too close to the curb too often for your liking.
"kyeom" you urge, "please be careful" you say, trying hard not to be a nervous ninny.
he moves you both farther into the sidewalk, leaving the curb a safe distance away. he looks at you for a moment and you notice how tipsy he is, but how immediately sober he can become when it comes to you.
"sorry baby" he hums, making you feel better now that he's more steady.
"KWON SOONYOUNG!!!" he yells suddenly, his voice booming throughout the streets. other groups walking by look over at you all briefly, and quickly go back to what they were doing. hoshi is only mere feet away, but he yells back with the same volume. they start talking about something you aren't even listening to, their voices getting lost as you all file into the club.
they immediately merge into the sea of people and hit the dance floor, begging you to come join them. you don't feel like it quite yet, so you insist they go on and sit at the bar by yourself. dokyeom leaves a gentle kiss on your cheek before he disappears into the crowd. he does hesitate for a moment, looking like he had something else to say but he decides not to. you sigh softly and sit down at the bar stool.
you wish you didn't have to be this way. you wish you didn't feel like you suck the fun out of every thing you attend. every time you tell yourself it will be different, and you will be better. but it doesn't happen.
your father was an alcoholic growing up, loving the bottle more than he ever did you. you remember growing up in that house, hiding away in your room any time he was around. you were just a little kid, and you had to grow up at a rapid rate. you would come home from school to find him laying on the couch, out cold. you would pick up the empty bottles, and clean up quietly before he woke up. he treated your mom like shit, something that you'll hate him for for the rest of your life. there were even moments that you were scared he would hurt you, that he would finally cross that line. you were terrified of him, walking on eggshells constantly. he passed away years ago, after you had not spoken to him for nearly a decade. you never really processed it, you didn't know how to. maybe it was your own fault. maybe if you had, then you wouldn't be such a no fun loser.
dokyeom knows all about your past and your relationship with your dad. he has listened attentively to your words, making sure you were able to talk to him about it whenever you needed. you have slowly started to open up more, allowing yourself to heal at his hands. since knowing you, you know without a doubt that he has held back when it comes to drinking at social gatherings. he knows you feel uncomfortable around people who are drunk, something you're not sure if you will ever get over. you never intended for him to do this, and you have let him know plenty of times that he should not hold back on your account. you know you are safe with him, and you know that he would never put your in harms way, ever. but the second that smell of alcohol hits your nose, your heartbeat speeds up and you are suddenly that 6 year old girl again.
