tw: mentions of depression and suicide
"y/n, please, i don't want to fight with you" he begs, his voice teetering on on the brink of a breakdown. he's trying to remain calm. trying to remain steady and responsible.
"well i do! i want to fight with you! i'm tired of us pushing our problems to the side and pretending they don't exist!" you scream back, not matching his calm energy at all. you've had enough, and this evening was your breaking point.
"we can talk about our problems without fighting" he answers hesitantly, hoping you don't continue to escalate things.
but you do.
you're not sure why his calm, non urgent tone is bothering you so much, but it's making you feel like he doesn't care. and that's pissing you off.
"we clearly can't! because you never tell me what you're thinking! it's a battle everyday where i'm apparently supposed to just read your mind. where you get quiet and then disappear for schedule for hours on end and then we never talk about it. ever!" you yell, getting completely frustrated. you're going to be letting out things you've wanted to say for a long time now.
dokyeom looks down at the floor, your words not falling upon deaf ears. you hit a weak spot. he knows he's not good at sharing his feelings and thoughts with you. he knew you would get fed up with it eventually, despite his efforts to fix this bad habit. hearing you say it made it real. he's scared you won't have the patience for it anymore. you can tell that you got to him.
"i'm trying, y/n. i really am" he says quietly, wishing the confrontation would just end. but he knows he messed up.
"you're not dokyeom! sometimes i swear i don't know anything about you" you say, as if you're punching him in the gut. you regret your words instantly. you wish you could shut your mouth.
he shakes his head sadly, "that's not true. you know everything about me. i've opened up to you" he says, trying to finally stand up for himself.
"then why are you always sneaking off and disappearing everyday, for way longer than i know you have work. and why do i hear rumors of things going on in your life that you have never once told me? that you'd rather tell anyone but me? do you know how much that hurts me?" you say angrily, but the tears well up in your eyes, conveying an all too different emotion that you try to push to the background.
what dokyeom hasn't told you about is the extra hour a day he's been going to see a therapist. he hasn't told you about how he's been really struggling to get out of the shelter of the bed sheets for months now. or how he doesn't have the energy to fight with you. but how he wants to fight for you. how most days he only stays alive for you. he sees now that that hasn't been enough.
all you want is to be there for him. you want to know what he's thinking all the time, and why he will randomly go quiet and get that far off look in his eyes. you want to be in on the secrets that everyone else is. you want for him to let you love him. you don't want it to have to be done this way, but you can't get through to him any other way. you feel your heart tearing apart with every word you yell at him.
"i've been going through some stuff" he trails off, avoiding your eyes still. he looks defeated.
you quit the yelling. "some stuff? what does stuff mean?" you ask. you are still irritated, and feeling so utterly left out and helpless. you can't help him if he doesn't admit what he needs help with.
he breaks down.
he hasn't cried in months. he hasn't been able to. his eyes have been dry and his body has been numb. but looking at you, seeing you get angry with him for something he's so desperately trying to fix for you, he loses it. he didn't want you to know. he didn't want to be the broken man who feels like he can't even keep himself alive. you fell in love with a happy, optimistic dokyeom who brightened up your day. he doesn't feel like that person anymore, and he couldn't bear to find out what would happen if you noticed.
