Nobody Says It's Easy

32

It was late. A heavy fist was pounding on the camper door.

"I told you he'd never spend the night in that car alone," said Lou Edna. "He's probably wet his pants."

"I'm coming, Beanie. I'm coming. If I can uncurl my pretzel body from sleeping in the munchkin's crib."

"Don't open that door wide open, Hadley," Lou Edna said. "The cold, damp night air will wreck havoc on my facial mask."

"Who are you kidding, Lou Edna? You just don't want to make Beanie scream."

"You are evil, Hadley."

"How do I open this thing? It's stuck."

"Oh, I forget to show you the code."

"What code? There's no numbers on this door knob."

"Not a number code," Lou Edna said. "Felix at Dorky's said that these camper doors can be temperamental, sometimes."

"Now, that's a code I understand. It means 'cheap.'"

"Oh, it does not," Lou Edna said.

"Well, get over here and show me the secret sauce that opens this blame thing before Beanie busts down the door."

"I'm trying," Lou Edna said. "I can't find my robe."

"Yeah," said Hadley, "we wouldn't want you to get arrested for indecent exposure. Just wear mine."

"I wouldn't be caught dead in that thing. It's a muumuu."

"Lou Edna! Put a sack over your head and drape your sheet around you. Hurry up! Beanie must be having a panic attack."

"I told you not to bring him. Didn't I tell you he'd be nothing but trouble?"

Lou Edna forced open the camper door. It swung open. In the rectangle of yellow light that illuminated the night stood a man. But it wasn't Beanie.

A vicious growl emanated from behind the campground owner.

"Shut up, you," the old man grumbled. "Forgive Wolf."

"Wolf!" Lou Edna said.

"My pet, ma'am. A big lug in bear fur. He won't bite you."

"That's what I used to say," said Lou Edna. "I had a tiny little dog like that once. Made the biggest racket. 'He won't bite. No. He won't bite.' One day he chewed my ankle to the nub."

Lou Edna strained to see what kind of animal stood behind the man, but it was impossible to see in the dark.

"Is there something we can do for you?" Hadley asked.

"You told me you were one tent and a camper. I see the camper. Where's the tent? And who's the hobo sleeping in the car?"

"I'm sorry," said Hadley. "He not a hobo. He's our friend. He can't sleep in the tent."

"Got wet on the way up?"

"Something like that. Here's an extra twenty. Is it alright if my friend sleeps out there, tonight?"

He snatched the bill from her hand and crammed it into his pocket.

"Well, I reckon. Since he's a friend. Just don't make a habit of it. Wouldn't want my place to get a bad reputation. We're a family establishment, you know."

"Uh, yes. Of course. We'll buy him a new tent, tomorrow. And thank you for being so understanding."

"Mind the bears. Keep your trash up. Goodnight."

Hadley shut the door and stared at Lou Edna. Her facial mask was starting to melt.

"Bears! Did that old codger say something about bears?" Lou Edna asked.

"He said we just needed to be careful. We are out in the wild and wooly wilderness, after all."

Lou Edna took a forefinger and wiped a big glob of goop from her eyebrow that was threatening to ooze right into her eye.

"If you ain't a sight for sore eyes, I don't know what is," Hadley said. "What does Elwin say about this beauty regimen of yours?"

"Elwin thinks all this natural allure is God-given. He has no clue how hard I have to work to maintain these gorgeous looks."

"Uh-huh. Look Gorgeous Georgette, I'll be back in a second."

"Gotta make a Beanie run? You coddle that man too much, you know that?"

"I just want to make sure he's alright."

Hadley returned in a couple of minutes.

"Well," Lou Edna said, "how's your little bouncing baby boy?"

"Don't be snotty, Lou. It clashes with that sludge and gluck you fictitiously call a beauty mask. Beanie was sleeping like a log."

"How? It sounded like we were being attacked by jack hammers in here!"

"It's been a long day for him, I guess."

"Well, I'm sure it was taxing for him. He's sure to be worn out because he's probably dreaming about how to smuggle that nasty old toilet home."

"Lou Edna, please. If you'll kindly move your knee, I'll try to pretzel myself back into this shoebox you call a bed."

"Oh, Hadley. It's not that small."

"Neither is an atom."

"What did you say?"

"Goodnight, Lou."