Nobody Says It's Easy

34

"Come and get it," Lou Edna yelled.

Beanie and Hadley walked up to the picnic table.

"From the look on your face, Hadley, my reputation as a horrible cook precedes me," said Lou Edna.

"Your food looks good," said Beanie.

"Spoken like a true, lying gentleman," said Lou Edna.

"Huh?" asked Beanie.

"Nothing, Beanie," Hadley said. "Lou Edna can cook some things fairly well. She just doesn't think so. But I do. And breakfast is one of them."

"Well, if it's not my cooking, may I ask whose funeral did you attend?" Lou Edna asked.

"I'm on vacation. I ain't buried nobody," said Beanie.

"She's talking about me, Bean."

"Well, let me see this tent you two back-to-nature vagabonds erected," said Lou Edna. "Where is it?"

"Come on. I'll show you. You coming, Bean?"

"Nah. I'm thirsty."

"Get whatever you want out of the cooler. I know you hate coffee."

"Don't be too underwhelmed, Lou," Hadley said.

They came up on the other side of Old Betsy. Lou Edna laughed until she choked.

"It does look sorely pitiful," said Hadley. "I'm glad Beanie's at the camper. You reaction would have killed him. When he and I stood back to look at it, he commented that it had a homey feel, somehow."

"Homey or homely?" Lou Edna asked.

"My choice is Option B," said Hadley.

"Where did he get this wretched excuse for a tent?" Lou Edna asked.

"He told me got it at the campground store. And he was adamant that this tent is not an excuse for a tent like his pup tent. It's the real deal."

"Hadley, didn't the thing come with tent poles. Those small trees you got holding up that upside down V look like they'll fall down if the wind so much as puffs. Tell Beanie to take it back and get his money back."

"That's just it," said Hadley. "Beanie said his tent was free."

"That's because it came over on Noah's ark," said Lou Edna.

They were coming up on Beanie who was drinking a soda pop at the picnic table. He was talking to himself.

"Well," said Beanie, "I love it. Boys hide under their mama's apron. Only real men live."

"Who told you that?" Hadley asked.

"Mr. Campground Man. Y'all want something to drink?"

"I do," said Lou Edna.

Hadley went inside the camper. Lou Edna rummaged around in the cooler and pulled out a little bottle.

"This thing reminds me of those orange drinks we used to drink as kids, Beanie," she said. "The bottle looks a hundred years old. I'm lucky I still have a church key to open this top with."

Lou Edna pulled a bottle opener from one of the plastic boxes that sat on the end of the picnic table. She popped the top, turned up the bottle, and chug-a-lugged.

"Aurgh!"

Lou Edna spit the orange liquid out like an artesian well. Beanie burst out laughing, spewing soda all over the table. Hadley opened the camper door.

"What's going on?" Hadley asked.

"Are you trying to poison me with this?" Lou Edna asked.

"What is it?"

"I don't know," Lou Edna said. "Some kind of orange pop. It's the worst I've ever tasted."

"I didn't buy this," said Hadley.

Hadley took the bottle from Lou Edna and turned it up and sipped a small amount.

"Oh, Lou!"

"I told you!"

"What is it?" Hadley asked.

"Let me taste," said Beanie.

He took a small sip, worked the orange liquid around inside his mouth.

"Taste like the cheese in the Kundt's macaroni and cheese box," he said. "It's a bit strong. I think it could use a little more water."

"Beanie Fugate! You did this. And it's not funny!"

Lou Edna was about to blow a gasket.

"I did not," said Beanie, standing up at the table.

"Then why were you laughing so hard?"

"Blame it on Beanie! You looked funny. And I heard what y'all said about my tent. And it wasn't nice, either. Don't even ask me to take it back. That old man was nice. He gave it to me. It's swell. And so is my new toilet."

"What new toilet?" Lou Edna asked.

Lou Edna rolled her eye when Hadley explained Beanie's new sanitation arrangement.

"Calm down, Bean. Nobody's blaming you for that orange castor oil. I probably picked it up at Pixie's by mistake. I was just throwing stuff in that I thought we all would like. You know how pushed I was for time. It was my fault, I'm sure. Okay?"

"Maybe," he said.

"And the tent stays, too. It's a . . . well, it's quite a tent, alright."

Beanie was finally smiling.

"That old man likes me. He did me a favor. He told me Hadley's tip more than paid for this. Hadley?"

"Yeah?" Hadley remarked.

"How much did you tip him? It must have been a million dollars," said Beanie.

"Not quite that much, Bean."

"I guess we're stuck with it, Hadley. Beanie's got his heart set on keeping it. And at least you have your very own porta pottie," said Lou Edna.

"You're right," said Beanie. "I do. I don't have a front door or a back door on my new tent, but I do have some mighty fine air flow through it. I guess I'll still have to try to remember to do the back-to-front and front-to-back switcharoo with my tidy whities when it's dark so you two don't get mooned."

"What!" said Lou Edna.

"Nothing, Lou," said Hadley. "Let's eat breakfast before the raccoons carry it off."

"You're right," said Lou Edna. "There's nothing worse than cold clabbered eggs."

"I don't mind clabber," said Beanie. "Soured milk is good. Especially if it's thick and creamy. I like my clabber slathered on cornbread."

"I'm going to lose my appetite," said Lou Edna.