Another Way

Chapter 21: Freedom

Eventually, Sue woke up.

She had no idea when that happened, nor did she have much reason to care. Not anymore, at least. There were a few details she could piece together without opening her eyes, and that's what her mind decided to focus on distracting itself with. She couldn't sense anyone else nearby.

Unless one of the night kin gave her an unexpected visit, it meant she was alone.

The faint glow that penetrated her eyelids told her that the sun had long risen. And, by extension, that she'd slept in hard. Suppose with the chaotic, mentally exhausting mess of yesterday that was hardly a surprise. Still, the awareness of her own laziness made her feel just that bit worse.

On top of all the other things Sue felt horrible about.

I rushed straight into Newmoon like an idiot. Likely sabotaged their peace talks before they even began. Maybe-

The thought choked up the Forest Guardian as she curled tighter on her bedding, thinking back to Spark's despair. To Sundance's grave injury. To the absolute clusterfuck of a mess that Ginger accidentally toppling a third of Night Mother's shrine would cause.

Maybe it's all my fault.

Maybe I really was meant to die when rescuing Spark and Pollux, and all this is a consequence of me being allowed to live.

The train of thought was immensely unpleasant to think about, even beside the obviously horrible undertones. It was far from the first time Sue had consideered ending it all, but on a practical level, she knew she didn't have it in her. She was a coward through and through, one much too used to wallowing in her own pathetic misery to even consider freeing herself from it.

Through any means, not just the most drastic.

Her mind took its sweet time torturing itself, listing every way in which this could've been avoided. From things as simple as listening to Sundance like she should have, to her just not showing up here in the first place. Sue had no way of knowing, of course, but suspected that if she hadn't been on that particular trip on that particular day, she wouldn't have ended up here.

If she had friends, any friends instead of pushing through with an internet-addicted loneliness. Even just acquaintances, literally anyone to just hang out with on that fateful day, regardless of if she liked them. Or had gotten herself a boyfriend already. Or took up a side job to not waste time strutting through the woods at the ass end of Scotland and instead pad out her savings some more.

If only I was just fucking normal.

Those thoughts didn't lead her anywhere and never would; Sue was well aware of that fact. Throwing a wrench into their ever winding spiral was always the hardest part. Anything to let her brain switch tracks into something less depressing.

'Less' was definitely the load bearing word here.

She opened her eyes with a grunt; a slight movement of her neck to look upwards revealed just how sore she was all over. Empty tent, Solstice's bed neatly made. There was a lighter patch of canvas further up; the sun was shortly before, or shortly after, noon. Neither of those possibilities was particularly encouraging.

Something else to think about, something dumber.

That dream.

Sue still remembered it clearly, despite her lack of any interest in what had transpired inside it. Night Father deservedly chewing Night Mother out, two weird small shadows she couldn't quite place. Eventually, everything falling apart.