72 hours

Us 'Till The End Of Time

TW: suicide note // long chapter

2:17pm

I woke up on the floor, blinking heavily trying to get used to the bright room. I reached for my phone and checked the time. I can't believe I slept for twelve hours.

I don't remember falling asleep, but even after all that sleep, I still felt tired. A different tired, one that I've never felt before. Everything felt different, as if I was still dreaming.

I felt so emotionless and empty. I just didn't feel like myself. I could already tell my eyes were swollen and red without looking at them. My body felt heavy, and I just wanted to lay here forever and give up. Even though I refused to believe it, and convince myself last night was just a dream, deep down I knew it was all real.

I looked over my right shoulder and saw the envelope laying on the floor, just out of my reach. I knew I was going to read it eventually, but I refused. Not yet at least. I needed to be completely alone.

It took so much energy that I didn't have just to get off the floor, but after a few hours, I was finally able to get up. I walked over to her house to pick up my car. I didn't want to ask anybody for a ride, because I needed to be alone. It wasn't that far of a walk anyways.

I drove over to the cliff, where we last hung out, and sat down in the same spot we were once at. The sun was just starting to set, creating the most beautiful, multi colored sunset ever. I smiled knowing it was her.

I pulled the envelope out from my pocket and stared at it for a couple minutes, hesitant to open it. I was scared of what it could say. I wasn't sure if it would be good, or if she'd tell me she secretly hated me. I took a deep breath, and slowly opened it. I took another deep breath to try and calm down, until I was ready to start reading.

Billie,

I'm so sorry, and I hope one day you're able to forgive me. As much as I know this is going to hurt you, it's going to hurt me even more. I just can't live knowing everything will forever be different. I don't want you to keep looking at me in a different way, like you're scared to lose me. I can't have you live every day in fear that you won't see me again.

When I was in the hospital, I heard you talk to me. I felt when you'd grab my hand and squeeze it, bringing me a sense of comfort. I felt the kiss you left on my forehead, and I was hoping you'd leave one on my lips, despite having the tube in my mouth.

I heard the nurse tell me that you passed out, and that scared me. I was so scared to lose you. Even though I tried to take my life, I didn't want anything to happen to you. I couldn't lose you. I needed to hear your voice and your laugh. I needed to see your smile and your beautiful eyes. I needed to be in your arms again. I just needed to see you once more.

Normally, you'd think I'd regret everything and never do it again, but that wasn't the case. My mind only became worse, and I'm so tired of this. Of everything.

I'm tired of waking up every day, disappointed I'd have to last another day. I'm tired of going to bed every night, hoping I won't wake up the next day. I'm just so tired of being tired.

It felt nice to get out of the hospital and be with you, but seeing that look in your eye, made me realize the voices in my head were right. Nothing would ever be the same.

There was so much leading up to this, way before I met you. Once I had the fight with Jess and she never came back, I realized it's what I absolutely had to do. I'm tired of losing the ones I love. First my mom, who once cared for me years ago. Then Jess, the person who's been there for me through it all. You ended up being all I had left, but I refused to live in a world where I'd lose you too.