72 hours

Nothing Seemed To Help

I need you

A few minutes after I hung up, I looked up and saw my brother drive up and rush out of his car. He ran towards me and instantly hugged me. He didn't ask anything, or even say anything. He just hugged me as tight as possible, without making it hard for me to breathe.

I cried even harder, yelling as the tears ran down my face. He rocked us back and forth trying to calm me down, but it didn't help. I was crying so hard, I started to gasp for air.

"Breathe Billie, It's going to be okay. I know it may not feel like it right now, but it will. I'm right here. I just need you to breathe," Finneas said lowly in my ear rubbing my back in a comforting motion, which happened to work.

He pulled away from the hug and I could feel him staring at me. My eyes instantly shifted to the ground, as I anxiously played with the ring on my index finger.

"She's gone," my voice cracked and tears started easily falling down my face again.

He knew about Aliyah since I met her. I told him about everything. The first sleepover, first kiss, everything. I kept texting him while I was in the hospital waiting for her to wake up. He's been my rock throughout all of this.

"I'm so sorry Bil," he said and pulled me into another tight hug.

"Can you do me a favor?" I pulled away after awhile and looked at him, a few tears falling.

"What do you need?" He placed his hands on top of my shoulders.

"There's an envelope in her bedroom, on her nightstand, with my name on it. Can you get it?" It took everything in me to not scream cry at this point, scared about what could be inside.

"I don't know where her room is, but I can go with you?" he questioned, almost scared to see how I'd react. He stood up and I hesitantly followed his movements. I was too scared to go back into that house.

"I don't think I can go in there Fin," I looked at him and shook my head. My eyes became watery and my chest started to hurt from trying to hold back my tears.

"I'll be right here the whole time," He grabbed my hand and I took a deep breath, leading us towards her room. I made my way over to her nightstand and picked up the envelope, scanning it and handed it over to him. 

I froze right before leaving out the front door, taking a deep breath. I turned around and walked back towards her room. I stood in her doorway and took a good look around her room, tears now flowing down my face.

"Billie, what are you doing?" Finneas asked from behind me, scaring me a little bit.

"Just be careful with the envelope please," I looked at him and he nodded, holding it to his chest.

I slowly walked into her room and carefully sat down on the edge her bed. I stared at the floor in front of me, the visual of her lifeless body while I was on the phone came flooding back.

How am I supposed to have a life when I don't even feel alive
Those words will forever haunt me.

I caught her dissecting herself the first night we met, but I chose to ignore it. I kept replaying that moment in my head over and over again, until I fell asleep that night, and it was the only thing on my mind that whole day once I woke up. I wanted to talk to her about it, but I was just scared and didn't want to scare her away.

I should've known something was wrong by the way she was always zoned out, but I refused to say anything. I always wondered what went on in her mind.

It was so obvious she was going through something, but yet I refused to say anything. I wondered if I could've saved her if I had said anything, or met her earlier.

Even though I sort of knew she was sad, I thought if I was able to make her laugh and take her mind off of things, it would help. I've always tried my best to make people smile and laugh, because I thought that if it cleared their mind even for a minute, they'd realize there was still a chance of things getting better.

I got up and walked over towards her mirror, studying the pictures that were on it. Pictures of her and Jess from different places, both of them having a big smile on their faces in every single one.

My eyes landed on one picture in the top right corner of her mirror. It was a small Polaroid of just her. She was smiling, her brown eyes looking above the camera, i'm guessing to whoever was taking the picture. She looked so happy, carefree, everything she wanted to be.

"You doing okay?" Finneas spoke up, scaring me a little bit, since I didn't know he was still there the whole time.

"Can we go?" I looked at him through the mirror and he nodded. I looked back to the picture and carefully took it off the mirror, putting it in my front pocket.

I walked towards her bedroom door, stopping right before I could leave, and turned back around to scan the room one last time. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, taking in her scent one last time. As much as I hated being in this house, I didn't want to leave her room.

My legs felt heavier with every step I took towards her front door, and away from her room. My chest started to hurt even more. I could feel my heart being torn apart the further I stepped away from her room.

"What are we gunna do about your car? I'm not letting you drive," he looked at me and I just looked back at him, feeling completely numb.

"I'll come back for it in the morning," I said lowly as I stared at the ground while we made our way to his car. I opened the door, and got in but he stopped me from closing the door.

"Here," he handed me the letter from his back pocket and closed the door. The whole ride home, I stared at the envelope in my hands, studying the hand writing. I knew what was inside, but I just refused to open it. I couldn't. It would be like her final goodbye to me, and if I didn't read it, she wouldn't leave me.

When we got to our house, I ran to my room and quickly shut the door behind me. I put my back against the door, quickly sliding down until I hit the ground, with my knees hitting my chest. I was in so much pain, I had no energy to yell and scream, even though I wanted to.

I couldn't stop crying. As much as I wanted to forget the image of her in the tub, it's all I could think about. I'd try to think about the second time she slept over but after a minute, that same image of her would come back.

I hit the back of my head against the door a couple times in frustration, secretly hoping it would help get that image out of my mind, but it didn't work. I tried to think about anything else, but it didn't help. I tried to close my eyes, but that only made it worse. Nothing seemed to help.

Is life even worth it anymore?

Do yall want me to write a chapter about what the letter said or no. Still unsure if I should or not.