Teenage Veracity

i liked you

I didn't think that I'd write something about you. 

We never happened, and that's why I don't know what your relevance is to this story. But I get it. Maybe because it's summer right now and you happened to be there one summer. You've taken up so much space in my head that I need to write it down before I burst. Well, if you'll ever give me a chance to know what I think about us during those short-lived moments, then this chapter is for you.

I know you'll never read this, and I don't want you to read it because it's embarrassing, but if you do, I just want you to know that I liked you.

It is like my heart is electrified whenever I think about you. I liked you without a clear reason. We see eye to eye, and everything sparks within. That was it. The start of my hurting.

For the first time in my life, I am thinking about a person nonstop. I thought of you while I was staring dumbly at my cat. You don't remind me of a cat. It is just that you infiltrate my mind so freely and confidently. In everything I do, I think of you. I even feel sorry for myself because I exhaust my brain by thinking of someone. Seriously, how dare you take up too much space in my mind?

Our days are numbered, but we've interacted a lot. Those days were the best moments of my year, and I've never been so happy. It's like you suddenly watered my droughting days. I feel alive. You made me feel alive. I can't sleep properly because you made me want to meet the sun immediately. I can't wait to spend another day with you, and I hate how time became my greatest foe. I hate how time runs faster whenever I'm happy. But at least I'm happy.

Also, I can't believe how the people around us caught our spark and were subtly rooting for us. I am rooting for us. I was convinced that we were made for each other. You gave me reason to think that.

I've caught your eyes looking at me without needing to look at you. I caught the concern behind your words. I've felt your stares behind my back as I walk past you, and when I turned my back, you were still looking at me. I've felt the connection between us. It's just that we are both cowards about taking a step, but it's there. I know you felt it too.

When you reached out to me first, believe me, I was jumping around the kitchen. But I still don't know you, so I don't know the true meaning behind your words. Are you just friendly? Are you just like this? Or are you making a move? You made me doubt your moves, but my delusions still won. You might like me. And that hope made me cling to the possibility of us.

Days of jumping to conclusions. Days of sketching our future. Days of electrifying moments whenever I think about us. Days of entertaining the possibility of you liking me. Days of waiting for you to make a move that stretched to months until one day, you've got someone. And it's not me.

I don't know how it happened. I was just waiting for you to do something, and then suddenly I heard that you are now with some other girl who's younger than us. You made me feel that it was my fault for not being competent enough in this kind of thing. If I could just evidently show you how much I like you, you might not give up on having me and look around to find someone.

I was blinded by the idea that you also liked me. I've compromised my leisurely act, but I still want assurance from you. I was confident that you liked me, and that was my mistake. You make it so believable that I've got to be your number one believer. I was so confident that we were made for each other, and that was my biggest mistake. I made the idea so pathetically logical that I became a slave to it.

My bruised heart produced lonely and confused words. I wrote a letter for you addressed to my past:

Do you know why it's been hard for me to let you go? Because every time I'm trying to move on from you, my heart won't let me. I keep coming back to you. My mind operates on thoughts of you. I still ended up stalking you. Seriously, you infiltrate my life carelessly. Seriously, I don't know how it happened. I don't know why you became such a huge part of my life. I don't know, but I can feel it. Do you know why I can't let you go? Because I feel like there is a connection between us. We are connected for some reason. It feels like the universe is rooting for us. Do you feel it too? Probably not, because I know I am just delusional because I like you. You are hurting me, but it's not your fault. I am hurting because I am rooting for this to happen. I can seriously imagine my life with you. I can see my future with you. And why do I feel like we have a future together? The first time our eyes locked, I knew there was something. The spark is there. We just don't really understand what that is. Maybe not the right time? Or maybe this is all in my head?

I'm a champion of being delusional, and I'm sorry for making you my victim. You see, my mind is my own nemesis. You didn't do anything wrong, but when you are hurting, you tend to find someone to blame. Still, you owe me my happiness during that one summer, and it will be forever carved into my mind. And if ever you really considered me as someone you wanted to be with, even momentarily, then that thought alone would make me happy.

Several months have passed, and I have moved along with life, and everything has now become my past. Now that we are fading from possibility, I'll always remember how we could have been the best thing if it ever happened. I know we might be something, but it's our fault for not risking anything. I want to blame you for not pushing harder, but I also want to blame me for not coming closer. After all the thinking about you in the distance, it now becomes blurry, and it's finally clear that we have no chance.